happily admitted. ‘Top bloke, he is. I used to do a bit with him down Docklands when it
was all going up.’
I didn’t have a clue what Alan and this enormous bloke used to do a bit of ‘down Docklands when it was all going up’, it could’ve
been tarmacking, chippying, drug smuggling or beating up taxi drivers for all I knew, but I nodded and looked as chuffed about
it as I could before hitting him with the first favour of our new-found friendship.
‘Look, Keith, mate, I don’t know what’s going on here, I seriously don’t. What’s this all about?’
Keith didn’t know so he turned to his mate Kev for answers. Kev told him that I’d threatened to beat up the bloke behind and
Keith took a look over his shoulder and cocked his head sympathetically.
‘Who said that? I never said any such thing,’ I lied as fast as I could. ‘I just asked the bloke if he could see his way clear
to getting a move on because he was taking all night pissing about with his little mates while I was stood behind him waiting
to get served. OK, I admit it, I swore and told him to get “a fucking move on”, but I certainly didn’t threaten him,’ I insisted.
‘What am I, a hooligan or something?’
‘That’s rubbish, he said he was going to break all of my records and teeth if I didn’t get out of his way,’ matey with the
record bag and bruised ego finally piped up.
I tried to look as wronged as I humanly could and my acting got an unwelcome boost of authenticity when his mate bullshitted
that he’d heard me say as much, which was as big a lie as my own as he hadn’t been anywhere near either of us when I’d offered
to do a Norris McWhirter on the little fucker’s record bag.
I clocked the changing expressions on Keith and Kev’s faces as the bag ladies launched into their own little tirade and I
got the distinct impression that the cavalry were starting to side with Big Chief Whispers with Menace after a while. Bag
matey and his little yapping poodle might’ve had the facts in their corner but they’d underestimated the importance of presentation
and the more they banged on about me and what I’d said, the more it sounded like they were telling the doormen their job.
Not a fantastically smart thing to do, so I figured now was the time to trip them both us with my peace pipe.
‘Look, I’m sorry if you thought I was out of order for asking you to hurry up, but you have to admit you were mucking around
ordering teas and coffees on your credit card, then jabbering on to your mates while the barman was waiting for you to type
in your PIN number,’ I pointed out, for the benefit of our bouncers, then stuck my hand in bag matey’s direction and offered,
‘No hard feelings?’
Naturally, bag matey snorted with derision and folded his arms in defiance to show me that he didn’t do deals with thugs.
That was when Kev apologised to Charley and me and even told me I was ‘all right’.
‘What? But he threatened to beat me up,’ bag matey protested with outrage.
‘Just get over there and let’s have no more of this, OK. The man’s just trying to have a drink with his girlfriend,’ Kev told
him. Charley shifted in her seat to show me what she thought about that particular can of worms and Keith gave me the thumbs-up
and asked me if I ever got down the White Horse.
‘Occasionally,’ I once again lied for seasoning.
‘But he should be thrown out of here,’ bag matey continued, then added for some reason that he knew the DJ.
‘Then do us a favour and go and lend him some of your records, he seems to have been playing the same one for the last half
an hour,’ I suggested, making both Keith and Kev nod in agreement.
‘Fucking dreadful, inne?’ Kev confirmed.
Bag matey couldn’t let it go, though, and insisted on seeing the manager. Keith told him he’d be seeing the double yellows
out front if they had any more trouble out of him, before wishing me all the
was all going up.’
I didn’t have a clue what Alan and this enormous bloke used to do a bit of ‘down Docklands when it was all going up’, it could’ve
been tarmacking, chippying, drug smuggling or beating up taxi drivers for all I knew, but I nodded and looked as chuffed about
it as I could before hitting him with the first favour of our new-found friendship.
‘Look, Keith, mate, I don’t know what’s going on here, I seriously don’t. What’s this all about?’
Keith didn’t know so he turned to his mate Kev for answers. Kev told him that I’d threatened to beat up the bloke behind and
Keith took a look over his shoulder and cocked his head sympathetically.
‘Who said that? I never said any such thing,’ I lied as fast as I could. ‘I just asked the bloke if he could see his way clear
to getting a move on because he was taking all night pissing about with his little mates while I was stood behind him waiting
to get served. OK, I admit it, I swore and told him to get “a fucking move on”, but I certainly didn’t threaten him,’ I insisted.
‘What am I, a hooligan or something?’
‘That’s rubbish, he said he was going to break all of my records and teeth if I didn’t get out of his way,’ matey with the
record bag and bruised ego finally piped up.
I tried to look as wronged as I humanly could and my acting got an unwelcome boost of authenticity when his mate bullshitted
that he’d heard me say as much, which was as big a lie as my own as he hadn’t been anywhere near either of us when I’d offered
to do a Norris McWhirter on the little fucker’s record bag.
I clocked the changing expressions on Keith and Kev’s faces as the bag ladies launched into their own little tirade and I
got the distinct impression that the cavalry were starting to side with Big Chief Whispers with Menace after a while. Bag
matey and his little yapping poodle might’ve had the facts in their corner but they’d underestimated the importance of presentation
and the more they banged on about me and what I’d said, the more it sounded like they were telling the doormen their job.
Not a fantastically smart thing to do, so I figured now was the time to trip them both us with my peace pipe.
‘Look, I’m sorry if you thought I was out of order for asking you to hurry up, but you have to admit you were mucking around
ordering teas and coffees on your credit card, then jabbering on to your mates while the barman was waiting for you to type
in your PIN number,’ I pointed out, for the benefit of our bouncers, then stuck my hand in bag matey’s direction and offered,
‘No hard feelings?’
Naturally, bag matey snorted with derision and folded his arms in defiance to show me that he didn’t do deals with thugs.
That was when Kev apologised to Charley and me and even told me I was ‘all right’.
‘What? But he threatened to beat me up,’ bag matey protested with outrage.
‘Just get over there and let’s have no more of this, OK. The man’s just trying to have a drink with his girlfriend,’ Kev told
him. Charley shifted in her seat to show me what she thought about that particular can of worms and Keith gave me the thumbs-up
and asked me if I ever got down the White Horse.
‘Occasionally,’ I once again lied for seasoning.
‘But he should be thrown out of here,’ bag matey continued, then added for some reason that he knew the DJ.
‘Then do us a favour and go and lend him some of your records, he seems to have been playing the same one for the last half
an hour,’ I suggested, making both Keith and Kev nod in agreement.
‘Fucking dreadful, inne?’ Kev confirmed.
Bag matey couldn’t let it go, though, and insisted on seeing the manager. Keith told him he’d be seeing the double yellows
out front if they had any more trouble out of him, before wishing me all the
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