it.
‘What?’
‘Come on, let’s go. No arguments,’ he said, giving me directions over his shoulder with one of his stumpy thumbs.
‘Hold your horses, what’s this even about?’ I protested, standing up to face him. It was then that I saw my little mate with
the record bag and never-ending bar round standing just behind him with a surly puss and some bloke who looked like record
bag matey’s psychological back-up.
Oh dear.
‘Outside,’ the bouncer repeated, making to grab one of my arms.
I pulled it away and gave him some free advice about keeping his hands to himself, which he told me he’d take into consideration,
and I got myself all set to stick one on him the next time he laid a finger on me, when I suddenly remembered Charley.
I looked down at her and saw her emerald eyes full of fear and confusion and I knew it would be all over between us the moment
I chinned one of my new mates standing in front of me. That’s when I decided to holster my fists and resort to my brains.
‘Keith, can you come down here a moment?’ the bouncer asked his microphone and I had an emergency flash of inspiration.
‘Here, do you know Alan?’ I asked the bouncer.
‘Alan who?’
‘Alan Law. Robbie’s brother.’
But the bouncer didn’t know him.
‘Terry, what’s going on?’ Charley finally asked. I acted all baffled and told her it was probably just some silly misunderstanding,
but I knew she wasn’t going to buy that for very long, especially once me and Kojak started demolishing the place with each
other. Our date would be well and truly over.
‘Are we going to have trouble with you?’ the bouncer enquired, so I tried to appeal to his better side.
‘Look, mate, I don’t know what the problem is, but I’m on a first date here,’ I explained, playing my joker. ‘Can’t we sort
this out like grown-ups?’
But a stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp on the stairs brought another grown-up into the proceedings and it was obvious that
this grown-up had grown up eating his greens.
‘Wass up, Kev?’ the man mountain asked, his eyes firmly fixed on my lapels.
‘This one here won’t leave,’ Kev told him.
‘Is that right?’ he asked.
Well, it had been up until about two seconds ago but now I wouldn’t have put my house on it.
I noticed Charley was still sat in her chair, albeit uneasily, and I couldn’t blame her really. Was she really going to stand
by some trouble maker you couldn’t take anywhere and follow him out into the street after he’d been kicked out of her swanky
local in less time than it took to warm up her seat? No, of course not.
What sort of a sophisticated girl about town needed aggro like that when there were no end of apes hanging in Noho’s trees
and she had all the bananas?
‘You can go out on your feet or on your head, it’s entirely up to you,’ all seven foot of Keith said, listing my options in
no particular order. I didn’t hold out much hope but I thought I’d try one last throw of the dice before I was dragged upstairs
by the jacket anyway.
‘ You don’t know Alan, do you? Alan. Alan Law, Robbie’s brother,’ I pleaded, holding out my hands to stop the big man’s advance.
This momentarily checked him in his tracks and he took a moment to look me up and down as the question melted over his face.
‘Yeah, I know Alan. And Robbie as it happens. Who are you, then?’ he asked suspiciously.
‘I’m Terry, I work with Robbie down in Wimbledon,’ I told him, hoping this would count for something and that he wouldn’t
simply tell me to say ‘hallo’ to Robbie next time I saw him as he slung me head first into the bins.
‘You on the hod with Robbie, then?’ he asked.
‘No, the trowel. He runs our bricks,’ I explained, noticing that I was actually being given a chance to explain something
rather than just being threatened with the door, and I glimpsed a chink of light.
‘Yeah, I know Alan really well,’ he
‘What?’
‘Come on, let’s go. No arguments,’ he said, giving me directions over his shoulder with one of his stumpy thumbs.
‘Hold your horses, what’s this even about?’ I protested, standing up to face him. It was then that I saw my little mate with
the record bag and never-ending bar round standing just behind him with a surly puss and some bloke who looked like record
bag matey’s psychological back-up.
Oh dear.
‘Outside,’ the bouncer repeated, making to grab one of my arms.
I pulled it away and gave him some free advice about keeping his hands to himself, which he told me he’d take into consideration,
and I got myself all set to stick one on him the next time he laid a finger on me, when I suddenly remembered Charley.
I looked down at her and saw her emerald eyes full of fear and confusion and I knew it would be all over between us the moment
I chinned one of my new mates standing in front of me. That’s when I decided to holster my fists and resort to my brains.
‘Keith, can you come down here a moment?’ the bouncer asked his microphone and I had an emergency flash of inspiration.
‘Here, do you know Alan?’ I asked the bouncer.
‘Alan who?’
‘Alan Law. Robbie’s brother.’
But the bouncer didn’t know him.
‘Terry, what’s going on?’ Charley finally asked. I acted all baffled and told her it was probably just some silly misunderstanding,
but I knew she wasn’t going to buy that for very long, especially once me and Kojak started demolishing the place with each
other. Our date would be well and truly over.
‘Are we going to have trouble with you?’ the bouncer enquired, so I tried to appeal to his better side.
‘Look, mate, I don’t know what the problem is, but I’m on a first date here,’ I explained, playing my joker. ‘Can’t we sort
this out like grown-ups?’
But a stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp stomp on the stairs brought another grown-up into the proceedings and it was obvious that
this grown-up had grown up eating his greens.
‘Wass up, Kev?’ the man mountain asked, his eyes firmly fixed on my lapels.
‘This one here won’t leave,’ Kev told him.
‘Is that right?’ he asked.
Well, it had been up until about two seconds ago but now I wouldn’t have put my house on it.
I noticed Charley was still sat in her chair, albeit uneasily, and I couldn’t blame her really. Was she really going to stand
by some trouble maker you couldn’t take anywhere and follow him out into the street after he’d been kicked out of her swanky
local in less time than it took to warm up her seat? No, of course not.
What sort of a sophisticated girl about town needed aggro like that when there were no end of apes hanging in Noho’s trees
and she had all the bananas?
‘You can go out on your feet or on your head, it’s entirely up to you,’ all seven foot of Keith said, listing my options in
no particular order. I didn’t hold out much hope but I thought I’d try one last throw of the dice before I was dragged upstairs
by the jacket anyway.
‘ You don’t know Alan, do you? Alan. Alan Law, Robbie’s brother,’ I pleaded, holding out my hands to stop the big man’s advance.
This momentarily checked him in his tracks and he took a moment to look me up and down as the question melted over his face.
‘Yeah, I know Alan. And Robbie as it happens. Who are you, then?’ he asked suspiciously.
‘I’m Terry, I work with Robbie down in Wimbledon,’ I told him, hoping this would count for something and that he wouldn’t
simply tell me to say ‘hallo’ to Robbie next time I saw him as he slung me head first into the bins.
‘You on the hod with Robbie, then?’ he asked.
‘No, the trowel. He runs our bricks,’ I explained, noticing that I was actually being given a chance to explain something
rather than just being threatened with the door, and I glimpsed a chink of light.
‘Yeah, I know Alan really well,’ he
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