quickly at Anna, and seen not another mother acknowledging how cute toddlers were but something else. Anna looked away from Lex, like she didn’t want to see her. ‘Odd,’ thought Caro and wanted to know more.
‘So you started talking and you became friends.’
‘Yes. She told me that Maya was the same age as Lex, and I didn’t believe that because Maya was just calmly looking at the video and making it repeat every time it got to the end. I mean, the girls were both around the same size, but Anna was so thin and small that I thought her child must be a lot older, and just small, like her.
‘“Is she your first?” I asked her and she said, “Yes and you?” I told her that Lex was my first child and then we just sat in silence for a minute, and then, without thinking about it, I just said, “Fucking hell, isn’t it?” And she looked at me like she’d never even heard someone use words like that, and then she sort of sagged against the chair, like the air was slowly going out of her. “Oh yes,” she said, “it is absolute hell.” The thing is, I didn’t really mean it. I’d had a bad night with Lex, who usually slept from around eleven until six in the morning by then but had been up every two hours for no particular reason the night before, and I was tired but I was mostly happy to be a mother. I loved watching Lex changing every day and she made me laugh all the time, but for Anna, I think it literally was hell.’
‘Why, Mrs Harman? Why do you think that?’ asks Detective Sappington and she sits up straighter in her chair. It occurs to Caro that this is exactly the reaction she had wanted and exactly what she has come here to get. She wants to tell them all about Maya, so that they will understand that the child’s death was not her fault, was not her choice. Her death must be blamed on Anna. But,as she opens her mouth to explain, she remembers Anna’s pinched face on that first day and feels strangely protective of her—regardless of what she is now accusing Caro of.
‘You know about Maya, don’t you? I mean, you’ve discussed this with Anna?’
‘No, Mrs Harman. I’ve been briefed about what happened but I haven’t actually met Anna yet. I wasn’t there that night. Detective Anderson attended the hospital—do you remember him?’
‘Was he the tall one with dark hair? Yes, I remember him. I only saw him for a moment, after I had my blood test. I wanted to go up to Anna, but Keith didn’t look like he wanted me anywhere near them, so I stayed away.’
She had desperately wanted to go to her friend, had wanted to wait with her for news of Maya, but she could see that it was impossible. Everything had changed, and she knew from the way Keith looked at her that she would never be welcome near Anna again.
She thinks about how simple the words she has just uttered—‘so I stayed away’—are. They do not begin to cover what she felt that night. They don’t touch on the horror and the confusion, and on how hard it was to keep herself from running to her friend and throwing her arms around her. They don’t explain her own grief and guilt, or the shame that washed over her when Keith locked eyes with her and silently shook his head, warning her away. They are a few simple words that cannot even begin to describe that moment.
Caro closes her eyes and sees Anna rocking in the thin plastic chair at the hospital. She smells the stringent antiseptic in the air and sees again the look Keith gave her. She had been able to taste his hate in her throat, to feel his accusing glare bouncing off her body. It was bitter, choking. Her skin felt burned.
‘I couldn’t hear what Detective Anderson was saying,’ she tells Detective Sappington, forcing herself to get on with what she needs to say, ‘but I could see that he was helping Anna, was helping both of them, and then I left. The constable drove me home. I wanted to stay but I didn’t . . . I had to get home.’
Detective Sappington sits
‘So you started talking and you became friends.’
‘Yes. She told me that Maya was the same age as Lex, and I didn’t believe that because Maya was just calmly looking at the video and making it repeat every time it got to the end. I mean, the girls were both around the same size, but Anna was so thin and small that I thought her child must be a lot older, and just small, like her.
‘“Is she your first?” I asked her and she said, “Yes and you?” I told her that Lex was my first child and then we just sat in silence for a minute, and then, without thinking about it, I just said, “Fucking hell, isn’t it?” And she looked at me like she’d never even heard someone use words like that, and then she sort of sagged against the chair, like the air was slowly going out of her. “Oh yes,” she said, “it is absolute hell.” The thing is, I didn’t really mean it. I’d had a bad night with Lex, who usually slept from around eleven until six in the morning by then but had been up every two hours for no particular reason the night before, and I was tired but I was mostly happy to be a mother. I loved watching Lex changing every day and she made me laugh all the time, but for Anna, I think it literally was hell.’
‘Why, Mrs Harman? Why do you think that?’ asks Detective Sappington and she sits up straighter in her chair. It occurs to Caro that this is exactly the reaction she had wanted and exactly what she has come here to get. She wants to tell them all about Maya, so that they will understand that the child’s death was not her fault, was not her choice. Her death must be blamed on Anna. But,as she opens her mouth to explain, she remembers Anna’s pinched face on that first day and feels strangely protective of her—regardless of what she is now accusing Caro of.
‘You know about Maya, don’t you? I mean, you’ve discussed this with Anna?’
‘No, Mrs Harman. I’ve been briefed about what happened but I haven’t actually met Anna yet. I wasn’t there that night. Detective Anderson attended the hospital—do you remember him?’
‘Was he the tall one with dark hair? Yes, I remember him. I only saw him for a moment, after I had my blood test. I wanted to go up to Anna, but Keith didn’t look like he wanted me anywhere near them, so I stayed away.’
She had desperately wanted to go to her friend, had wanted to wait with her for news of Maya, but she could see that it was impossible. Everything had changed, and she knew from the way Keith looked at her that she would never be welcome near Anna again.
She thinks about how simple the words she has just uttered—‘so I stayed away’—are. They do not begin to cover what she felt that night. They don’t touch on the horror and the confusion, and on how hard it was to keep herself from running to her friend and throwing her arms around her. They don’t explain her own grief and guilt, or the shame that washed over her when Keith locked eyes with her and silently shook his head, warning her away. They are a few simple words that cannot even begin to describe that moment.
Caro closes her eyes and sees Anna rocking in the thin plastic chair at the hospital. She smells the stringent antiseptic in the air and sees again the look Keith gave her. She had been able to taste his hate in her throat, to feel his accusing glare bouncing off her body. It was bitter, choking. Her skin felt burned.
‘I couldn’t hear what Detective Anderson was saying,’ she tells Detective Sappington, forcing herself to get on with what she needs to say, ‘but I could see that he was helping Anna, was helping both of them, and then I left. The constable drove me home. I wanted to stay but I didn’t . . . I had to get home.’
Detective Sappington sits
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