a bag of chips and sat at the kitchen table. I opened the bag and shoved a salty chip in my mouth. Man, it felt nice sliding down my throat. The lemon lime drink perfectly cleansed my palate (as they said on the cooking channel my mom watched).
Throwing another chip in, my mind wandered to Matt and Kendra. What in the world had happened with him? First, he'd been so upset over his sister, he left tutoring early. Then, it wasn't his sister who picked him up from school. It was Kendra's smirky mug.
Crunch. Awesome chip. Plain. Just like I liked them.
Plain just like me.
What was the deal? Did Matt and Kendra still have something going on? Surely they had to or why would he be getting in the car with her?
Crunch.
But then again, on Monday he kept talking about how Kendra shouldn't make fun of me like she did. Why would he say that if he was still into her?
Crunch.
And on top of that…
Crunch.
Why did I care? Like I kept trying to tell myself, Matt wasn't mine, would never be mine, didn't even like me. He couldn't get away from me quick enough today. Wonder if his sister had texted him when he jumped up and left — or had it been Kendra?
Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.
"Get over it, Brittany. He doesn't like you!"
I reached my hand in the bag and suddenly stopped. Crumbs. I was down to crumbs!
I'd eaten the entire bag of chips.
There went my six hundred calorie day! There went my losing twenty-five pounds! There went not being 'Big' anymore!
Maybe Kendra was right. I should be made fun of. I had no will power. How pitiful could one person be?
I had to do something. Fast. I needed a clean slate. I couldn't start the day eight hundred calories or more in the hole.
My first thought didn't appeal to me, but I had no choice. After tossing the sickening chip bag in the trash and pouring what remained of my drink down the sink, I ran through the living room to the first story bathroom, locked the door, and leaned against the door.
Zero. I needed back to zero. I'd do better.
Falling to my knees next to the toilet, I raised both lids and leaned over.
I hated throwing up, but this was important.
I shoved my finger as far as I could down my throat and forced my stomach muscles to contract.
Nothing.
Scared and frustrated, I tried again. I couldn't have that many calories sitting in my stomach and spreading out my hips even more than they already were. Pushing my finger as far as I could down my throat, I heaved like I had the last time I had a stomach virus, shut my eyes tightly because I couldn't stand the thought of seeing it, and felt the chips and drink flying up. I coughed and spit some more until everything seemed cleaned out.
Once the deed was done, I lay back on the door and took ragged breaths. G od, what did I do? I prayed as silent tears started to stream down my face. I'd never in my wildest dreams thought I would be a girl who forced her food up. It had always seemed so silly, but now I understood. Now, I got it.
Praying I'd been quiet enough not to wake my mom upstairs, I cracked the door open and peered out through the living room to the kitchen. Holding my breath, I didn't see or hear anything. Good. My mom had slept through it.
Quietly, I shut the door back, flushed, put the lids down, and brushed my teeth with the guest toothbrushes my mom always kept under the sink. I made a mental note to replace it soon.
While brushing my teeth, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Because I'd thrown up, my eyes were red with purple rings under them. I saw a girl who had been desperate, and a girl who would never throw up on purpose again.
Healthy eating, exercise, calorie-counting would be how I lost. I couldn't make throwing up a habit.
Once I put everything in the bathroom in order so my mom wouldn't notice, I went upstairs and fell under my covers. Worn out, I shut my eyes and slept. Thankfully, I didn't dream.
****
My alarm clock woke me up at six on the dot. I slid out of bed and dragged into the
Throwing another chip in, my mind wandered to Matt and Kendra. What in the world had happened with him? First, he'd been so upset over his sister, he left tutoring early. Then, it wasn't his sister who picked him up from school. It was Kendra's smirky mug.
Crunch. Awesome chip. Plain. Just like I liked them.
Plain just like me.
What was the deal? Did Matt and Kendra still have something going on? Surely they had to or why would he be getting in the car with her?
Crunch.
But then again, on Monday he kept talking about how Kendra shouldn't make fun of me like she did. Why would he say that if he was still into her?
Crunch.
And on top of that…
Crunch.
Why did I care? Like I kept trying to tell myself, Matt wasn't mine, would never be mine, didn't even like me. He couldn't get away from me quick enough today. Wonder if his sister had texted him when he jumped up and left — or had it been Kendra?
Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.
"Get over it, Brittany. He doesn't like you!"
I reached my hand in the bag and suddenly stopped. Crumbs. I was down to crumbs!
I'd eaten the entire bag of chips.
There went my six hundred calorie day! There went my losing twenty-five pounds! There went not being 'Big' anymore!
Maybe Kendra was right. I should be made fun of. I had no will power. How pitiful could one person be?
I had to do something. Fast. I needed a clean slate. I couldn't start the day eight hundred calories or more in the hole.
My first thought didn't appeal to me, but I had no choice. After tossing the sickening chip bag in the trash and pouring what remained of my drink down the sink, I ran through the living room to the first story bathroom, locked the door, and leaned against the door.
Zero. I needed back to zero. I'd do better.
Falling to my knees next to the toilet, I raised both lids and leaned over.
I hated throwing up, but this was important.
I shoved my finger as far as I could down my throat and forced my stomach muscles to contract.
Nothing.
Scared and frustrated, I tried again. I couldn't have that many calories sitting in my stomach and spreading out my hips even more than they already were. Pushing my finger as far as I could down my throat, I heaved like I had the last time I had a stomach virus, shut my eyes tightly because I couldn't stand the thought of seeing it, and felt the chips and drink flying up. I coughed and spit some more until everything seemed cleaned out.
Once the deed was done, I lay back on the door and took ragged breaths. G od, what did I do? I prayed as silent tears started to stream down my face. I'd never in my wildest dreams thought I would be a girl who forced her food up. It had always seemed so silly, but now I understood. Now, I got it.
Praying I'd been quiet enough not to wake my mom upstairs, I cracked the door open and peered out through the living room to the kitchen. Holding my breath, I didn't see or hear anything. Good. My mom had slept through it.
Quietly, I shut the door back, flushed, put the lids down, and brushed my teeth with the guest toothbrushes my mom always kept under the sink. I made a mental note to replace it soon.
While brushing my teeth, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Because I'd thrown up, my eyes were red with purple rings under them. I saw a girl who had been desperate, and a girl who would never throw up on purpose again.
Healthy eating, exercise, calorie-counting would be how I lost. I couldn't make throwing up a habit.
Once I put everything in the bathroom in order so my mom wouldn't notice, I went upstairs and fell under my covers. Worn out, I shut my eyes and slept. Thankfully, I didn't dream.
****
My alarm clock woke me up at six on the dot. I slid out of bed and dragged into the
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