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not?”
    â€œYou’re not” said the man menacingly, “because you can’t be.”
    â€œMmm hmm,” said Sharon.
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    B ACK in Rome, with no foreseeable buyers for his ancient tablets, Stanley got on a plane and headed back to the United States, where he was immediately arrested by immigration officials for using a fake passport.
    â€œIt wasn’t fake three weeks ago,” said Stanley.
    â€œIt’s fake now.”
    â€œHow could it be fake?”
    â€œHow could it be real?” said the officer.
    â€œBecause I’m real,” said Stanley.
    â€œThat’s what you say.”
    Two men in black suits and sunglasses appeared at his side. One man grabbed the suitcases containing the tablets, while the other led Stanley down the hallway into a small, secluded office. The door was closed, the lock was turned, and that was the end of Stanley Fisher and his troublesome nonfakes.
    That evening, the head of the department of ancient languages at the Hebrew University appeared on The O’Reilly Factor . It was not just a fake, he said, it was the worst fake, if not in all the history of mankind, then certainly in what we now know as the Modern Era.
    â€œUtterly worthless,” added the curator of the archeology department at the Israel Museum, “and not just financially, but to mankind as a whole.”
    The Pope, on a live video feed from the Vatican, agreed. “It’s a fraud,” the Pontiff said. “A cynical, monstrous fraud of the very worst kind.”
    O’Reilly thanked them all, and reminded his viewers that the one book they could buy that definitely wasn’t a fake was his book, which was currently number one on the New York Times bestseller list. It made, he noted, a wonderful gift.
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    S HARON was rushed to the hospital. Her water had broken, and she was going into labor.
    â€œInsurance?” asked the nurse.
    â€œNone,” said Sharon.
    â€œFather?” asked the nurse.
    â€œNone,” said Sharon.
    â€œMmm hmm,” said the nurse.
    Drudge was the first to break the story. “Immaculate Conception in Long Island!” shouted his web page.
    The response was overwhelming.
    â€œGod bless you and the Son of God,” wrote Jesus Lvr1. “May the Eternal bless you as He did the Virgin Mary,” wrote DaPreacher 316. “People like you inspire me,” wrote HornyDevil22, “and BTW, how much do you want for your panties?”
    Religious leaders around the world were ecstatic. Mankind was already on the brink of self-destruction; a heartwarming fraud like this would do everyone good.
    Reverend Falwell welcomed the reports of the virgin birth, and marked all his merchandise down an additional 15 percent.
    The Ayatollah praised the news, calling it the Merciful Hand of Allah, which would soon reach out and destroy Israel.
    And Abraham Foxman announced that such a miracle once and for all proved the Jews were the chosen people, and anyone who denied it must surely be an anti-Semite.
    Sharon was still without health coverage, but her homeowner’s policy included full coverage for acts of God, which her pregnancy clearly was.
    Prudential paid for all her medical bills, plus a two-bedroom addition to the house, including a lovely nursery for the baby and a cozy, glass-enclosed porch overlooking the yard.
    She was given charity by the 700 Club and clothing and food by the Islamic Society of North America. The UJA provided around-the-clock child-care help in the form of a Filipino nanny named Carmalita. Sean Hannity donated a portion of his Hannitized coffee mug sales to her, and President Bush invited her and the miracle baby to his next State of the Union Address, where he planned to announce a Constitutional amendment protecting virgin births.
    And then one day, a few months after Sharon’s miraculous delivery, the phone rang.
    â€œWho is this?” Sharon asked.
    She could hear breathing on the line. It