Read Online Beware of God by Shalom Auslander - Free Book Online

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    The response was overwhelming.
    â€œFuck you, asshole,” wrote JesusLvr1. “May God strike you dead as he did the sinners of Sodom and Gomorrah,” wrote DaPreacher316. “People like you sicken me,” wrote HornyDevil22, “and BTW, how much do you want for your wife’s panties?”
    Religious leaders around the world were irate. Mankind was already teetering on the brink of self-destruction; this was no time for the truth.
    The Church called for an immediate investigation, and by investigation, they meant arrest and prosecution. Primarily pushers of the Testament New, church leaders had a definite interest in the Original remaining divine. If the Old Testament turned out to be nothing more than ancient Babylonian beach reading, what were they to make of Jesus, who claimed the Old Testament was the word of God Himself (Matthew 15:6, “And by this you invalidated the Word of God.”)? Was the Book of Stan implying that Jesus was some kind of a liar, or was it implying he was some kind of a schmuck?
    â€œBy allowing the absolute authority of the Bible to be challenged,” wrote Jerry Falwell on his ministry’s website that week, “we as a society have turned our back on God. And click here,” he added, “for big savings on all audio cassettes and DVDs.” Everything, the Reverend promised, must go.
    The Muslims weren’t any happier. Allah of Koran fame and Elohim of Old Testament fame are one and the same, and the followers of the Prophet Mohammed did not take kindly to His being deemed either fictional or coincidental. (It must be said, though, that the Shiites were okay with “coincidental” and the Sunnis were okay with “fictional”; unfortunately, each declared the other heretical and seventy people died in clashes throughout the Middle East.) The Ayatollah Khamenei sat down at his tangerine iMac, printed out one copy of “Fatwa. doc,” and hastily filled it in.
    â€œBecause Stan denies the existence of the Peaceful Loving God of Everlasting Mercy and Compassion,” wrote the Ayatollah, “it is incumbent upon us to kill him.”
    Abraham Foxman called an emergency meeting of the ADL, who called an emergency meeting of the JDL. They didn’t really care what the Book of Stan claimed about the divinity of the Old Testament, much as they didn’t really care what Jesus or Mohammed claimed about it. However, if the Book of Stan were true, then the Old Testament was not true, and if the Old Testament was not true, the whole idea of Jews as a chosen tribe was not true. Brass tacks: If there were no real tribe, then there were no real Jews, and if there were no real Jews there could be no real anti-Semitism, and if there was no anti-Semitism, then Abe and his staff were shit out of a job.
    The Book of Stan, declared Foxman, was a vile, pernicious anti-Semitic tract that needed to be banned, its perpetrators arrested, its publisher abducted and its distributor really, really yelled at.
    The government, as it happened, was already on the case.
    Stanley’s ad was immediately deleted. eBay pulled the ad off its server, and the company posted an important policy update in its place:
    eBay will no longer allow the sale or auction of books claiming to be the Word of God, or claiming to not be the Word of God, or books that claim that other books claiming to be the Word of God are not.
    And then Stanley was deleted. His birth certificate was destroyed, his medical records burned, his Social Security number reassigned, his parents killed, his sisters raped and his coworkers fired.
    â€œAre you Mrs. Stanley Fisher?” the man at the door asked.
    â€œI am,” said Sharon.
    â€œNo, you’re not.”
    â€œI’m not?”
    â€œYou can’t be,” said the man.
    â€œI can’t be or I’m