Read Online Beautiful Monster by Kate McCaffrey - Free Book Online

much happier if it had been you and not Brodie.’ She scowls at herself. ‘I hate you. We all do. You’re hopeless.’
    She can’t stop thinking about the food she’s eaten. Since the rowing finals it feels like her dad is hovering over her like a mother bird with a mouthful of regurgitated food. Waiting to make her eat more. As she looks at her reflection she knows she’s put on weight. She pulls out the scales and steps on: 47 kilos. She sighs loudly. She’s been fluctuating wildly between 45 and 50 since the finals. She can’t hold a true weight. If only she could be 45, then she’d be right. It would all be okay. Everyone would be happy. This is her fault; she has the power to make it right, but she’s just too damn lazy.
    â€˜Get rid of it,’ Ned commands inside her head. ‘You’re weak. And if you don’t get rid of it YOU WILL GET FAT.’
    She swallows painfully. Why does he always have to be right? Vomiting hurts her stomach, burns her throat. But if she doesn’t—what then? What will happen next? She’ll be fat—and who is ever going to love her then?
    â€˜No one,’ Ned taunts again. ‘Who is ever going to love a FAT, DISGUSTING, WORTHLESS PIG?’
    Of course he’s right. He is always right. If she is thin, they’ll love her. That’s what will happen. She’ll bring happiness into the house again.
    She jams her fingers hard down her throat; her stomach is so well-conditioned that it knows what to do immediately. It heaves the calories away.
    Her clock radio pips. She turns over and looks at the luminous figures: 6a.m. She lies still for a while in the silence. And then the silence has her springing from bed. Today is Brodie’s birthday and it’s so damn quiet. How is this possible? She enters the kitchen and sees her dad, his head bowed over his coffee cup—almost like he’s praying.
    â€˜Hey,’ she says, sliding onto the seat next to him, ‘morning.’ She’s horrified to see his face streaked with tears. This raw emotion isn’t Dad’s job, it’s Mum’s, and thankfully she’s not around whipping up some culinary delight. ‘Dad.’ She touches his arm, alarmed.
    â€˜He’d be a teenager today,’ her dad sniffs.
    And it hits her, again. This isn’t just her mum’s pain, it’s his too. His son, his baby. Dead today, the day he would have turned thirteen.
    â€˜Dad,’ she whispers, ‘it’ll be okay.’
    He looks at her sadly. ‘The thing is, Tess, it won’t. It’ll never be okay. Never. Brodie’s gone and every year is another year without him.’ It’s become a ritual. Every morning she stands in front of the mirror, repulsed by what she sees, reminding herself so that she doesn’t mess up. If you could be better, faster, smarter, if you could win, don’t you see that you’d make them happy. Don’t you see that? You’re so weak, it’s fucking disgusting.
    Tess turns away from the mirror—from that voice in her head. She needs to get ready for school. Today they have an in-class essay. She can’t get another B. Can’t fail.
    She hears Ned whisper, ‘The reason you’re so unlovable is that you eat too much, Tess. Your life will be wonderful if you lose a couple of kilos. That’s all it takes. Two kilos will make you happy. Down to 45—it’s your number, kiddo. Go for it. Everyone will love you. Life will be perfect.’
    She turns to face the mirror. Down to 45 kilos. That’s all she needs to do.
    Downstairs her mum sits in the chair by the window, staring ahead, all the life and energy drained from her body. Tess puts her school bag on the floor and crouches down in front of her. ‘Okay, Mum?’ she says gently, touching her mother’s hand.
    Annelise’s eyes slowly move from the view outside to her daughter’s face. She