Read Online B003B0W1QC EBOK by Dossie Easton, Catherine A. Liszt - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Dossie Easton, Catherine A. Liszt
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person you know and love? What is life like in the kinky closet?
Feeling unseen . When we live in the closet we must keep secret a large part of our lives that is very important to us. We cannot discuss our relationships, our loves, our griefs and our triumphs outside our immediate network of kindred souls. At work, around our families of origin, or chatting with our neighbors or our friends at the PTA, we maintain a certain distance. We begin to feel kind of invisible.
Dossie remembers a time when she was working in a mental health agency and she realized that she had become so reluctant to talk about anything about sex, lest she betray her difference by saying something too outrageous, that the people around her believed her to be somewhat old-fashioned and conservative, possibly a prude. It was acutely uncomfortable to be treated like someone other than who she is, and yet, if she had openly discussed her lifestyle, it would have been shocking and disturbing to her coworkers.
So when we, as kinky people, spend significant time in non-kinky space, we may feel depressed, or that we are losing our identity, because we cannot communicate about what is important to us - or even honestly present ourselves to the people we are with.
Isn’t it understandable that people would want to show pride in themselves by talking, even boasting a little, about their partners, spouses, families and loved ones? Kinky people, and other sexual minorities, don’t get to do that. We become curiously silent when conversation turns to husbands, wives, dating and the like. You might imagine there is no love in our lives. You might even offer to arrange blind dates for us. Many of you have.
Hiding your truth . And when we have to hide our truth, then how can we feel good about ourselves, how can we outgrow our cultural heritage of shame about our desires? All people in oppressed minorities get stuck having to deal with internalized oppression, which is that nasty voice within that learned a long time ago that we ought to be different from who we are, and keeps telling us that we are not okay. These messages are hard to overcome. And when we suspect that if our parents or kids or friends find out about our love lives they might treat us with disgust, we have an even harder time achieving any form of self-acceptance.
When we choose to stop hiding, there is no middle ground. A kinky person who comes out of the closet becomes sensationally conspicuous. We are often accused of “flaunting it,” but as long as there is so little public acceptance and understanding, there is actually no low-key way to be open about our lifestyle.
And why shouldn’t we flaunt it? Aren’t all of us proud of our relationships? Is it flaunting to walk down the aisle in a huge white dress so everybody can celebrate our happiness? Is it flaunting to walk down that same aisle in a leather corset, which might better express our intentions? We look forward to the day when kinky people can walk down the street arm-in-arm like any other turned-on couple in love and people will smile and say “Look, aren’t they sweet.”
Confidentiality. There are real-world consequences of being out of the closet that go far beyond disapproving glances. We get arrested and convicted of sex crimes, we lose our jobs, our homes, our children and our families. We can lose our financial security defending ourselves from criminal charges or hostile divorces. And all for behavior that harms no one.
Some years back a married couple, very wonderful kinky friends of ours, lived in the closet in a small city where they sincerely enjoyed their work as high school teachers. The police found out about their personal lives, searched their home, confiscated their toys, their costumes and their play furniture, and splashed their names all over the front pages of newspapers statewide. They were professionally ruined, even though the kids they taught knew nothing about their private
Feeling unseen . When we live in the closet we must keep secret a large part of our lives that is very important to us. We cannot discuss our relationships, our loves, our griefs and our triumphs outside our immediate network of kindred souls. At work, around our families of origin, or chatting with our neighbors or our friends at the PTA, we maintain a certain distance. We begin to feel kind of invisible.
Dossie remembers a time when she was working in a mental health agency and she realized that she had become so reluctant to talk about anything about sex, lest she betray her difference by saying something too outrageous, that the people around her believed her to be somewhat old-fashioned and conservative, possibly a prude. It was acutely uncomfortable to be treated like someone other than who she is, and yet, if she had openly discussed her lifestyle, it would have been shocking and disturbing to her coworkers.
So when we, as kinky people, spend significant time in non-kinky space, we may feel depressed, or that we are losing our identity, because we cannot communicate about what is important to us - or even honestly present ourselves to the people we are with.
Isn’t it understandable that people would want to show pride in themselves by talking, even boasting a little, about their partners, spouses, families and loved ones? Kinky people, and other sexual minorities, don’t get to do that. We become curiously silent when conversation turns to husbands, wives, dating and the like. You might imagine there is no love in our lives. You might even offer to arrange blind dates for us. Many of you have.
Hiding your truth . And when we have to hide our truth, then how can we feel good about ourselves, how can we outgrow our cultural heritage of shame about our desires? All people in oppressed minorities get stuck having to deal with internalized oppression, which is that nasty voice within that learned a long time ago that we ought to be different from who we are, and keeps telling us that we are not okay. These messages are hard to overcome. And when we suspect that if our parents or kids or friends find out about our love lives they might treat us with disgust, we have an even harder time achieving any form of self-acceptance.
When we choose to stop hiding, there is no middle ground. A kinky person who comes out of the closet becomes sensationally conspicuous. We are often accused of “flaunting it,” but as long as there is so little public acceptance and understanding, there is actually no low-key way to be open about our lifestyle.
And why shouldn’t we flaunt it? Aren’t all of us proud of our relationships? Is it flaunting to walk down the aisle in a huge white dress so everybody can celebrate our happiness? Is it flaunting to walk down that same aisle in a leather corset, which might better express our intentions? We look forward to the day when kinky people can walk down the street arm-in-arm like any other turned-on couple in love and people will smile and say “Look, aren’t they sweet.”
Confidentiality. There are real-world consequences of being out of the closet that go far beyond disapproving glances. We get arrested and convicted of sex crimes, we lose our jobs, our homes, our children and our families. We can lose our financial security defending ourselves from criminal charges or hostile divorces. And all for behavior that harms no one.
Some years back a married couple, very wonderful kinky friends of ours, lived in the closet in a small city where they sincerely enjoyed their work as high school teachers. The police found out about their personal lives, searched their home, confiscated their toys, their costumes and their play furniture, and splashed their names all over the front pages of newspapers statewide. They were professionally ruined, even though the kids they taught knew nothing about their private
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