Read Online B-Movie Attack by Alan Spencer - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Alan Spencer
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fuel your madness, Billy. I didn’t realize we were in court presenting exhibit A.”
“Oh shut up, Nelson. You’re not helping. You probably want your movies to come to life, you big dork!” Jessica was on the verge of tears. “I'm worried about you. You shouldn't be doing this.”
He did his best to defend himself. “Don’t make this personal. When I’m wrong and this is over, it’s over, okay? I’ll let it go.”
She retrieved her purse. “Fine, then I’m going to Star Coffee.”
Nelson joked. “Pick me up a biscotti and a steaming cup of bullshit.”
“After you quit being a dick.” She slammed the door shut. “I’ll be back… maybe .”
“I was only joking with her,” Nelson insisted. “I had a cousin who worked at Star Coffee, and she lived with me for almost a year. Sarah had stories about that place. Bad ones. Do you know what some workers do with the coffee beans before brewing them? They shove ‘em up in places and pull them back out to get a special caffeine high. Then they use the beans anyway. The joke wasn’t personal. She's pissed at me, isn't she?”
Billy studied the door, waiting for it to open and Jessica to return, but she was gone for now. “Maybe it’s good she gets out. Today’s been as stressful for her as it’s been for me, and here I am watching dumb horror movies.”
“Get it out of your system, big guy,” Nelson said. “We’ll apologize when she gets back. I can leave if you want.”
“No, don't leave. You guys butt heads a lot, but deep down, she likes you…somewhat.”
“I played a lot of jokes on her in high school. Man, I got her good. I taped a bleeding tampon on her locker for Halloween. She was varsity captain of the cheerleading squad, and my next-door neighbor, remember? I have the right to play jokes on her. She was preppy, and I, well, I wasn’t. I’m like a brother she never wanted. Did you know I’d climb up her house to her second-story window and write in red lipstick ‘Redrum, Redrum, Can I Have a Piece of Gum?’ Man, she’d sic the jock heads on me whenever I pulled those pranks. I still have scars from the atomic wedgies.”
Billy laughed. “She said she was kind of a bitch in high school. It’s probably a good thing I didn’t really know her back then. I remember seeing her in the hall a few times, but that’s about it. But give her credit. She got a 35 on the ACT, and she’s cruising through law school and working part-time. She’s achieving more than me. I’m a meter man.”
Nelson shrugged. “ Meh , you tried being a cop. You hated it. Now you’re in a transition period. You said you were interested in becoming a museum curator at the Field Museum of Natural History. Why not go back to school? I’m stuck working at a video store until I figure it out. Lucky for me, there’s always somebody who needs a roommate in Chicago. The rent’s still outlandish. I might have to sell my bodily goods, if you catch my drift, to pay rent.”
Billy glanced back at the movie screen. “Quick. Fast forward it before Jessica comes back. I’ll close my eyes. I’ll describe what the guy looks like.”
Billy closed his eyes.
Nelson fast-forwarded the movie. “Okay, man. Describe the guy before he explodes.”
He combed his memory. “He wore torn-up jeans and boots. No T-shirt. He looked dead, but it was exaggerated. He was purple, blue and white. His lips were black. He also had this grungy long hair. The dude was tall and lanky. And it was because he wasn’t wearing a shirt that I don’t think he had any explosives on him. And before he turned into bits, he had this grin. Like a child molester.”
Nelson pressed the play button. It showed the man—and he was a dead ringer for the man at the crosswalk today—erupting into pieces. His bones turned into shrapnel and cut through everyone in the vicinity. Then the man came back together, as if his insides were magnetized. And then the man walked off like nothing had
“Oh shut up, Nelson. You’re not helping. You probably want your movies to come to life, you big dork!” Jessica was on the verge of tears. “I'm worried about you. You shouldn't be doing this.”
He did his best to defend himself. “Don’t make this personal. When I’m wrong and this is over, it’s over, okay? I’ll let it go.”
She retrieved her purse. “Fine, then I’m going to Star Coffee.”
Nelson joked. “Pick me up a biscotti and a steaming cup of bullshit.”
“After you quit being a dick.” She slammed the door shut. “I’ll be back… maybe .”
“I was only joking with her,” Nelson insisted. “I had a cousin who worked at Star Coffee, and she lived with me for almost a year. Sarah had stories about that place. Bad ones. Do you know what some workers do with the coffee beans before brewing them? They shove ‘em up in places and pull them back out to get a special caffeine high. Then they use the beans anyway. The joke wasn’t personal. She's pissed at me, isn't she?”
Billy studied the door, waiting for it to open and Jessica to return, but she was gone for now. “Maybe it’s good she gets out. Today’s been as stressful for her as it’s been for me, and here I am watching dumb horror movies.”
“Get it out of your system, big guy,” Nelson said. “We’ll apologize when she gets back. I can leave if you want.”
“No, don't leave. You guys butt heads a lot, but deep down, she likes you…somewhat.”
“I played a lot of jokes on her in high school. Man, I got her good. I taped a bleeding tampon on her locker for Halloween. She was varsity captain of the cheerleading squad, and my next-door neighbor, remember? I have the right to play jokes on her. She was preppy, and I, well, I wasn’t. I’m like a brother she never wanted. Did you know I’d climb up her house to her second-story window and write in red lipstick ‘Redrum, Redrum, Can I Have a Piece of Gum?’ Man, she’d sic the jock heads on me whenever I pulled those pranks. I still have scars from the atomic wedgies.”
Billy laughed. “She said she was kind of a bitch in high school. It’s probably a good thing I didn’t really know her back then. I remember seeing her in the hall a few times, but that’s about it. But give her credit. She got a 35 on the ACT, and she’s cruising through law school and working part-time. She’s achieving more than me. I’m a meter man.”
Nelson shrugged. “ Meh , you tried being a cop. You hated it. Now you’re in a transition period. You said you were interested in becoming a museum curator at the Field Museum of Natural History. Why not go back to school? I’m stuck working at a video store until I figure it out. Lucky for me, there’s always somebody who needs a roommate in Chicago. The rent’s still outlandish. I might have to sell my bodily goods, if you catch my drift, to pay rent.”
Billy glanced back at the movie screen. “Quick. Fast forward it before Jessica comes back. I’ll close my eyes. I’ll describe what the guy looks like.”
Billy closed his eyes.
Nelson fast-forwarded the movie. “Okay, man. Describe the guy before he explodes.”
He combed his memory. “He wore torn-up jeans and boots. No T-shirt. He looked dead, but it was exaggerated. He was purple, blue and white. His lips were black. He also had this grungy long hair. The dude was tall and lanky. And it was because he wasn’t wearing a shirt that I don’t think he had any explosives on him. And before he turned into bits, he had this grin. Like a child molester.”
Nelson pressed the play button. It showed the man—and he was a dead ringer for the man at the crosswalk today—erupting into pieces. His bones turned into shrapnel and cut through everyone in the vicinity. Then the man came back together, as if his insides were magnetized. And then the man walked off like nothing had
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