adventure and wringing every bit of fun you can get out of
living. Leave the breeding for the mainstream. We are better than those folks,
and why couldn’t Linda see that?
That
was the exact bullshit I said to my best friend on the eve of her wedding. Only
I was so drunk it came out as one giant, slurry, run-on sentence with the
occasional “fuck me, I lost my train of thought” or “hey cutie, what are you
doing later?” or “Who do you have to blow to get a shot of tequila around
here?” thrown in for good measure.
Oh,
and did I mention that I said all of that in the form of a toast, in front of
all her friends — and family?
And
that includes her mom and 83 year-old grandmother.
I
finished my diatribe with this pearl of wisdom:
“Would
you like to know the secret of the universe, kids? Cuz I’ve got it right here. Men always want what they can’t have, and never want
what they’ve got. Women always want what they used to have and they will
settle for anything or anyone that gives them the illusion that they can have
it back. There will be moments, and this might actually be one for our
Linda, when you can actually sit back and say that you are content, almost
happy with your life, with yourself and the one standing next to you... and you
should embrace those moments, because they will all go away— quickly.”
And
in my nightmare, as in life, I sat down to an awkward silence that would have
been quite embarrassing if I weren’t so clueless or wasted. Everyone was
squirming in their seats or looking at me like I’d just reached up into my own
nose and pulled out a giant slug and set it free on their fucking table.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, Linda got up and raised her glass and
said:
“Lou,
you aren’t exactly being fair. Maybe I’ve hijacked a seat on this ride long
enough. Because after all, let’s face it, I’ve never really been as intelligent
or beautiful or charming as you... have I?”
Everyone
in the room burst out laughing. They all walked up to Linda and pat her on the
back, telling her what a great a retort that was and how she was showed so much
class. They thought she should consider her friendship with me like
having a Barbie or Mr. Potato Head. Something you leave behind with
nostalgia and good memories, but you can’t muster up the patience to play with
anymore.
But
here’s the part that makes me feel like I deserve Hell more than you know.
Amidst the laughter and congratulatory “zinger” comments, and the alcohol fog
that I was in, Linda and I locked gazes. At that moment, I knew she meant
what she said, and it broke my heart. It broke my heart that she,
the most wonderful thing that had come into my life, could still think I was
smart and funny and beautiful even as I was humiliating her, and myself, at a
party where she was supposed to be the center of attention. I was always a
spotlight whore, and considered bad attention better than no attention.
However, tonight was supposed to be Linda’s and I had pissed all over her
parade. Here we were, on the night before the most important day of her life,
and her best friend/maid of honor (stop rolling your eyes every time I say
that) is not being supportive or excited for her or making sure she’s creating
memories to enjoy in her old age. No. Instead, I acted like an ass, and
in the process somehow reminded her that I could have actually been right.
Perhaps, Linda was choosing to settle, and most probably she was happy, a lot
of the time, being trapped for a change. It had to be refreshing to not have to
be “on” all the time, and to not have to be second fiddle to her psychotic best
friend. However, her friend’s and family’s reaction to my inspired (yet,
granted, grossly inappropriate) toast was just a reminder that she was once a
person who could say and do anything she wanted or thought without remorse or
fear.
Still,
all those revelations aside, she was really pissed at me. Later,
living. Leave the breeding for the mainstream. We are better than those folks,
and why couldn’t Linda see that?
That
was the exact bullshit I said to my best friend on the eve of her wedding. Only
I was so drunk it came out as one giant, slurry, run-on sentence with the
occasional “fuck me, I lost my train of thought” or “hey cutie, what are you
doing later?” or “Who do you have to blow to get a shot of tequila around
here?” thrown in for good measure.
Oh,
and did I mention that I said all of that in the form of a toast, in front of
all her friends — and family?
And
that includes her mom and 83 year-old grandmother.
I
finished my diatribe with this pearl of wisdom:
“Would
you like to know the secret of the universe, kids? Cuz I’ve got it right here. Men always want what they can’t have, and never want
what they’ve got. Women always want what they used to have and they will
settle for anything or anyone that gives them the illusion that they can have
it back. There will be moments, and this might actually be one for our
Linda, when you can actually sit back and say that you are content, almost
happy with your life, with yourself and the one standing next to you... and you
should embrace those moments, because they will all go away— quickly.”
And
in my nightmare, as in life, I sat down to an awkward silence that would have
been quite embarrassing if I weren’t so clueless or wasted. Everyone was
squirming in their seats or looking at me like I’d just reached up into my own
nose and pulled out a giant slug and set it free on their fucking table.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, Linda got up and raised her glass and
said:
“Lou,
you aren’t exactly being fair. Maybe I’ve hijacked a seat on this ride long
enough. Because after all, let’s face it, I’ve never really been as intelligent
or beautiful or charming as you... have I?”
Everyone
in the room burst out laughing. They all walked up to Linda and pat her on the
back, telling her what a great a retort that was and how she was showed so much
class. They thought she should consider her friendship with me like
having a Barbie or Mr. Potato Head. Something you leave behind with
nostalgia and good memories, but you can’t muster up the patience to play with
anymore.
But
here’s the part that makes me feel like I deserve Hell more than you know.
Amidst the laughter and congratulatory “zinger” comments, and the alcohol fog
that I was in, Linda and I locked gazes. At that moment, I knew she meant
what she said, and it broke my heart. It broke my heart that she,
the most wonderful thing that had come into my life, could still think I was
smart and funny and beautiful even as I was humiliating her, and myself, at a
party where she was supposed to be the center of attention. I was always a
spotlight whore, and considered bad attention better than no attention.
However, tonight was supposed to be Linda’s and I had pissed all over her
parade. Here we were, on the night before the most important day of her life,
and her best friend/maid of honor (stop rolling your eyes every time I say
that) is not being supportive or excited for her or making sure she’s creating
memories to enjoy in her old age. No. Instead, I acted like an ass, and
in the process somehow reminded her that I could have actually been right.
Perhaps, Linda was choosing to settle, and most probably she was happy, a lot
of the time, being trapped for a change. It had to be refreshing to not have to
be “on” all the time, and to not have to be second fiddle to her psychotic best
friend. However, her friend’s and family’s reaction to my inspired (yet,
granted, grossly inappropriate) toast was just a reminder that she was once a
person who could say and do anything she wanted or thought without remorse or
fear.
Still,
all those revelations aside, she was really pissed at me. Later,
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