Read Online Aunts Aren't Gentlemen by Sir P G Wodehouse - Free Book Online
Authors: Sir P G Wodehouse
Ads: Link
beside the point. God
made you, and presumably he knew what he was doing, so we
need not go into that. What you will want to hear is my reason
for coming to see you.'
'Any time you're passing,' I said in my polished way, but she
took no notice and continued.
'Father's friend, Major Plank, who is staying with us, was
talking at lunch about someone named Wooster who had
called this morning, and when Father turned purple and
choked on his lamb cutlet I knew it must be you. You are the
sort of young man he dislikes most.'
'Do young men dislike him?'
'Invariably. Father is and always has been a cross between
Attila the Hun and a snapping-turtle. Well, having found that
you were in Maiden Eggesford I came to ask you to do
something for me.'
'Anything I can.'
'It's quite simple. I shall of course be writing to Orlo, but I
don't want him to send his letters to the Court because Father,
in addition to resembling a snapping-turtle, is a man of low
cunning who wouldn't hesitate to intercept and destroy them,
and he always gets down to breakfast before I do, which gives
him a strategical advantage. By the time I got to the table the
cream of my correspondence would be in his trouser pocket.
So I am going to tell Orlo to address his letters care of you, and
I will call for them every afternoon.'
I never heard a proposition I liked the sound of less. The
idea of her calling at the cottage daily, with Orlo Porter,
already heated to boiling point, watching its every move, froze
my young blood and made my two eyes, like stars, start from
their spheres, as I have heard Jeeves put it. It was with infinite
relief that I realized a moment later that my fears were
groundless, there being no need for correspondence between
the parties of the first and second part.
'But he's here,' I said.
'Here? In Maiden Eggesford?'
'Right plump spang in Maiden Eggesford.'
'Are you being funny, Bertie?'
'Of course I'm not being funny. If I were being funny, I'd
have had you in convulsions from the outset. I tell you he's
here. I met him this afternoon. He was watching a Clarkson's
warbler. Arising from which, you don't happen to have any
data relating to Clarkson, do you? I've been wondering who he
was and how he got a warbler.'
She ignored my observation. This generally happens with
me. Show me a woman, I sometimes say, and I will show you
someone who is going to ignore my observations.
Looking at her closely, I noted a change in her aspect. I have
said that her face had hardened as the result of going about the
place socking policemen, but now it had got all soft. And while
her two eyes didn't actually start from their spheres, they
widened to about the size of regulation golf balls, and a tender
smile lit up her map. She said, 'Well, strike me pink!' or words
to that effect.
'So he has come! He has followed me!' She spoke as if it had
given her no end of a kick that he had done this. Apparently it
wasn't being followed that she objected to; it just had to be the
right chap. 'Like some knight in shining armour riding up on
his white horse.'
Here would have been a chance to give Jeeves's friend who
came out of the West a plug by saying that Orlo reminded me
of him, but I had to give it a miss because I couldn't remember
the fellow's name.
'I wonder how he managed to get away from his job,' I said.
'He was on his annual two weeks' holiday. That is how he
came to be at that protest march. He and I were heading the
procession.'
'I know. I was watching from afar.'
'I have not found out yet what happened to him that day.
After he knocked the policeman down he suddenly
disappeared.'
'Always the best thing to do if you knock a policeman down.
He jumped into my car and I drove him to safety.'
'Oh, I see.'
I must say I thought she might have put it a bit stronger.
One does not desire thanks for these little kindnesses one does
here and there, but considering that on his behalf I had
interfered with the police in the execution of their duty, if
that's
made you, and presumably he knew what he was doing, so we
need not go into that. What you will want to hear is my reason
for coming to see you.'
'Any time you're passing,' I said in my polished way, but she
took no notice and continued.
'Father's friend, Major Plank, who is staying with us, was
talking at lunch about someone named Wooster who had
called this morning, and when Father turned purple and
choked on his lamb cutlet I knew it must be you. You are the
sort of young man he dislikes most.'
'Do young men dislike him?'
'Invariably. Father is and always has been a cross between
Attila the Hun and a snapping-turtle. Well, having found that
you were in Maiden Eggesford I came to ask you to do
something for me.'
'Anything I can.'
'It's quite simple. I shall of course be writing to Orlo, but I
don't want him to send his letters to the Court because Father,
in addition to resembling a snapping-turtle, is a man of low
cunning who wouldn't hesitate to intercept and destroy them,
and he always gets down to breakfast before I do, which gives
him a strategical advantage. By the time I got to the table the
cream of my correspondence would be in his trouser pocket.
So I am going to tell Orlo to address his letters care of you, and
I will call for them every afternoon.'
I never heard a proposition I liked the sound of less. The
idea of her calling at the cottage daily, with Orlo Porter,
already heated to boiling point, watching its every move, froze
my young blood and made my two eyes, like stars, start from
their spheres, as I have heard Jeeves put it. It was with infinite
relief that I realized a moment later that my fears were
groundless, there being no need for correspondence between
the parties of the first and second part.
'But he's here,' I said.
'Here? In Maiden Eggesford?'
'Right plump spang in Maiden Eggesford.'
'Are you being funny, Bertie?'
'Of course I'm not being funny. If I were being funny, I'd
have had you in convulsions from the outset. I tell you he's
here. I met him this afternoon. He was watching a Clarkson's
warbler. Arising from which, you don't happen to have any
data relating to Clarkson, do you? I've been wondering who he
was and how he got a warbler.'
She ignored my observation. This generally happens with
me. Show me a woman, I sometimes say, and I will show you
someone who is going to ignore my observations.
Looking at her closely, I noted a change in her aspect. I have
said that her face had hardened as the result of going about the
place socking policemen, but now it had got all soft. And while
her two eyes didn't actually start from their spheres, they
widened to about the size of regulation golf balls, and a tender
smile lit up her map. She said, 'Well, strike me pink!' or words
to that effect.
'So he has come! He has followed me!' She spoke as if it had
given her no end of a kick that he had done this. Apparently it
wasn't being followed that she objected to; it just had to be the
right chap. 'Like some knight in shining armour riding up on
his white horse.'
Here would have been a chance to give Jeeves's friend who
came out of the West a plug by saying that Orlo reminded me
of him, but I had to give it a miss because I couldn't remember
the fellow's name.
'I wonder how he managed to get away from his job,' I said.
'He was on his annual two weeks' holiday. That is how he
came to be at that protest march. He and I were heading the
procession.'
'I know. I was watching from afar.'
'I have not found out yet what happened to him that day.
After he knocked the policeman down he suddenly
disappeared.'
'Always the best thing to do if you knock a policeman down.
He jumped into my car and I drove him to safety.'
'Oh, I see.'
I must say I thought she might have put it a bit stronger.
One does not desire thanks for these little kindnesses one does
here and there, but considering that on his behalf I had
interfered with the police in the execution of their duty, if
that's
Similar Books
