attracted to men"
Scott blinked. "Might be?"
Preston shifted uncomfortably. "Okay, that I am." He swallowed. "I have to admit I'm not entirely sure what that means. Obviously I have been attracted to women in the past as is, you know, normal."
Scott inhaled sharply and went completely rigid. "What did you just say?"
He shook his head. "Scott, being ga...attracted to the same sex is not normal."
"Gay, Preston. Being gay. Jesus, you can't even say the damn word, can you?" Scott looked away quickly, but not before Preston saw a hint of moisture in the other man's eyes.
"Scotty, I don't want to fight with you. That's not what this is about." Preston rubbed his temples in frustration. "I wanted to tell you that I want to be with you."
He thought that would make Scott happy. That he would suddenly turn to Preston with his heartbreakingly beautiful smile and throw his arms around him and say how glad he was. That's the scenario he'd played in his mind. Trouble was, Scotty never did what Preston expected.
Scott continued to look away from him and he closed his eyes. "What does that mean to you, Pres?" he asked softly.
He nodded. "It means I want to go on seeing you, being with you. I think--I think what we have these past few weeks has worked really well."
"So, you mean you want nothing to change."
"Yes, exactly."
"I love you, Pres."
"That's--that's wonderful," Preston said, swallowing back the lump in his throat. He didn't like the tone Scott used. It was off. Odd. He forced himself to ask, "Then you agree?"
Scotty shook his head, but didn't say anything.
The lump in his throat dropped to his stomach. "No?"
"You want to keep things as they are, but I can't do that," Scott said hoarsely. "In other words, you don't want anyone to know you're gay. You don't want anyone to know you're seeing me. Sleeping with me. You want to live this secret life."
Preston opened his mouth to say something, but then realized it was true. He couldn't deny that was exactly how he felt.
"The problem is, Pres, everyone already knows I'm gay. I came out several years ago and my family knows I'm seeing someone. Don't worry, they don't know it's you. But they are eventually going to want know who it is." Scotty buried his face in his hands. "What am I supposed to say then? The guy I'm with is too ashamed of me to admit our relationship?"
"Scotty."
"Do you even know what that means? You always keep separate houses, separate expenses, you can never spend holidays together. You're never really together. Never." Scotty removed his hands from his face and finally looked at Preston. There was no mistaking the tears welling in his eyes. "If this were a hundred years...even thirty years ago, I probably would be okay with that. But I've already accepted who and what I am and I can't go back to pretending otherwise."
"You said you love me," Preston pointed out, grasping. "If you do, then why can't you accept that this is the only way it will work for me?"
"I do love you. But I also have something called self-respect, Pres. Too much to be someone's dirty little secret."
"You don't understand." Preston felt a little desperate. This wasn't how this conversation was supposed to go. "I have children. They can't...I can't let them know about me. I can't have them thinking I'm abnormal."
"Like me?"
"Scotty, I--"
"That's why you had the phone book out the other day turned to the listing of psychiatrists, isn't it? You put it away, but I saw it before you did. You think I'm some sort of freak and you hate the fact you might be just like me."
"I don't think you are a freak."
"You think I'm abnormal ," Scotty said, his voice faltering on the last word. He stood up. "I have to get out of here."
"What? No. Please, it doesn't have to be like this." Preston stood up, too, his hand shooting out to stop Scott from moving.
"You know I both wanted and feared having this conversation. I wanted to have it because I hoped, dreamed really, that you would tell me
Scott blinked. "Might be?"
Preston shifted uncomfortably. "Okay, that I am." He swallowed. "I have to admit I'm not entirely sure what that means. Obviously I have been attracted to women in the past as is, you know, normal."
Scott inhaled sharply and went completely rigid. "What did you just say?"
He shook his head. "Scott, being ga...attracted to the same sex is not normal."
"Gay, Preston. Being gay. Jesus, you can't even say the damn word, can you?" Scott looked away quickly, but not before Preston saw a hint of moisture in the other man's eyes.
"Scotty, I don't want to fight with you. That's not what this is about." Preston rubbed his temples in frustration. "I wanted to tell you that I want to be with you."
He thought that would make Scott happy. That he would suddenly turn to Preston with his heartbreakingly beautiful smile and throw his arms around him and say how glad he was. That's the scenario he'd played in his mind. Trouble was, Scotty never did what Preston expected.
Scott continued to look away from him and he closed his eyes. "What does that mean to you, Pres?" he asked softly.
He nodded. "It means I want to go on seeing you, being with you. I think--I think what we have these past few weeks has worked really well."
"So, you mean you want nothing to change."
"Yes, exactly."
"I love you, Pres."
"That's--that's wonderful," Preston said, swallowing back the lump in his throat. He didn't like the tone Scott used. It was off. Odd. He forced himself to ask, "Then you agree?"
Scotty shook his head, but didn't say anything.
The lump in his throat dropped to his stomach. "No?"
"You want to keep things as they are, but I can't do that," Scott said hoarsely. "In other words, you don't want anyone to know you're gay. You don't want anyone to know you're seeing me. Sleeping with me. You want to live this secret life."
Preston opened his mouth to say something, but then realized it was true. He couldn't deny that was exactly how he felt.
"The problem is, Pres, everyone already knows I'm gay. I came out several years ago and my family knows I'm seeing someone. Don't worry, they don't know it's you. But they are eventually going to want know who it is." Scotty buried his face in his hands. "What am I supposed to say then? The guy I'm with is too ashamed of me to admit our relationship?"
"Scotty."
"Do you even know what that means? You always keep separate houses, separate expenses, you can never spend holidays together. You're never really together. Never." Scotty removed his hands from his face and finally looked at Preston. There was no mistaking the tears welling in his eyes. "If this were a hundred years...even thirty years ago, I probably would be okay with that. But I've already accepted who and what I am and I can't go back to pretending otherwise."
"You said you love me," Preston pointed out, grasping. "If you do, then why can't you accept that this is the only way it will work for me?"
"I do love you. But I also have something called self-respect, Pres. Too much to be someone's dirty little secret."
"You don't understand." Preston felt a little desperate. This wasn't how this conversation was supposed to go. "I have children. They can't...I can't let them know about me. I can't have them thinking I'm abnormal."
"Like me?"
"Scotty, I--"
"That's why you had the phone book out the other day turned to the listing of psychiatrists, isn't it? You put it away, but I saw it before you did. You think I'm some sort of freak and you hate the fact you might be just like me."
"I don't think you are a freak."
"You think I'm abnormal ," Scotty said, his voice faltering on the last word. He stood up. "I have to get out of here."
"What? No. Please, it doesn't have to be like this." Preston stood up, too, his hand shooting out to stop Scott from moving.
"You know I both wanted and feared having this conversation. I wanted to have it because I hoped, dreamed really, that you would tell me
Similar Books
