officially
distracted and officially in love.
#######################
Back at his place, we get out of the warm car to say
goodbye. I lean against the cold passenger’s side door and he leans against me,
warm hands on my face, holding my eyes to his.
“You’re gonna be alright, kid, you know that,” he says and
I smile and nod, tears creeping in again. “Look at those stars,” he says and I
look up at the dark night sky at the wide spread of glittering yellow points of
light.
“We’re just these little things down here and in the big
picture would it really have mattered if we left the restaurant tonight? No, it
wouldn’t have mattered at all. It was just some dinner out, some restaurant
with okay food. It’s not a big deal, Vic. I want you to remember that you come
first, that you are important and that you are not crazy. And if you need to
take care of yourself, then that’s okay. But it’s good that you worked through
it, that you did stay. That was an accomplishment. So stop shitting on
yourself. I can see you doing it right now. I can see that you feel guilty and
terrible about it. So stop it. Really,” he says, staring into my eyes, finally
putting his arms around me and pulling me tighter against him. And then he
kisses me, warm mouth, tangy minty breath, like the air, cold, exhilarating,
exciting and I kiss him back.
This is like freedom. I never knew it could be like this. I
never knew I could trust someone so much and have them be...so…right.
He pulls away. “I feel like….you’re special, Vic. I mean
that,” he says and now he’s opening my car door and pushing me inside. “Come
on, you gotta get home, girl. Work on that homework and get that pretty ass to
class.”
I sit down and smile at him through my wet eyes. Oh my
God.
“Bye,” I say with a smile and he says,
“Bye, love,” and closes the door. I turn on the engine and
let the car sit for a moment and idle. He’s not walking up the walk yet to his
front door, where is he?
And then I see it, a heart being traced into the frost on my
back windshield.
October 31, 2004
Drunk sex with… a virgin
The water is hot, scalding, and I relax under the stream,
some of my tension flowing out of me. Tonight I’m going to a party, a Halloween
party at a frat house on campus. I’ve been invited by a few girls in my
Astronomy lab. Inside I’m humming with excitement at the idea of getting
dressed up in a sexy costume, getting blazing drunk and going out where lots of
people are bound to be. It’s scary as hell too, my ever present stomach clench
of dread is nagging at me, but luckily my super-secret anti-anxiety elixir,
alcohol, should save me.
I finish up, turn off the water and jump out of the shower,
drying myself as quickly as possible in the cooler air. I wrap a towel around
me and move to the counter, where all my supplies are spread out. Time to
get glam-o-rous . The freakin pains we go to for beauty. I hum to
myself as I pick up each tool, using them deftly, my wrists flicking as I apply
blush to my cheeks. I’m trying, and failing to distract myself from the
obsessive thoughts of anxiety about the night ahead.
One of the girls I’m going to the party with is Hannah, a
pretty blonde with blue eyes and a cute upturned nose who I had met in class
several weeks before. She’s the kind of girl I always wished I could be, cute,
petite, thin, and definitely the kind of girl that guys love. We had been
assigned as lab partners and became fast friends. Hannah is easy to talk to,
loves to laugh and has a dirty sense of humor just like me. We’ve spent a lot
of time together recently, eating lunch, hanging in her dorm room, and even a
quick trip to the mall in my car, albeit with some heart thumping panic thrown
into each activity on my part. The other girls are Hannah’s friends and are
really nice, although I don’t know them well yet.
Hannah and I have conspired together about what costumes
we’ll wear and I’m really
distracted and officially in love.
#######################
Back at his place, we get out of the warm car to say
goodbye. I lean against the cold passenger’s side door and he leans against me,
warm hands on my face, holding my eyes to his.
“You’re gonna be alright, kid, you know that,” he says and
I smile and nod, tears creeping in again. “Look at those stars,” he says and I
look up at the dark night sky at the wide spread of glittering yellow points of
light.
“We’re just these little things down here and in the big
picture would it really have mattered if we left the restaurant tonight? No, it
wouldn’t have mattered at all. It was just some dinner out, some restaurant
with okay food. It’s not a big deal, Vic. I want you to remember that you come
first, that you are important and that you are not crazy. And if you need to
take care of yourself, then that’s okay. But it’s good that you worked through
it, that you did stay. That was an accomplishment. So stop shitting on
yourself. I can see you doing it right now. I can see that you feel guilty and
terrible about it. So stop it. Really,” he says, staring into my eyes, finally
putting his arms around me and pulling me tighter against him. And then he
kisses me, warm mouth, tangy minty breath, like the air, cold, exhilarating,
exciting and I kiss him back.
This is like freedom. I never knew it could be like this. I
never knew I could trust someone so much and have them be...so…right.
He pulls away. “I feel like….you’re special, Vic. I mean
that,” he says and now he’s opening my car door and pushing me inside. “Come
on, you gotta get home, girl. Work on that homework and get that pretty ass to
class.”
I sit down and smile at him through my wet eyes. Oh my
God.
“Bye,” I say with a smile and he says,
“Bye, love,” and closes the door. I turn on the engine and
let the car sit for a moment and idle. He’s not walking up the walk yet to his
front door, where is he?
And then I see it, a heart being traced into the frost on my
back windshield.
October 31, 2004
Drunk sex with… a virgin
The water is hot, scalding, and I relax under the stream,
some of my tension flowing out of me. Tonight I’m going to a party, a Halloween
party at a frat house on campus. I’ve been invited by a few girls in my
Astronomy lab. Inside I’m humming with excitement at the idea of getting
dressed up in a sexy costume, getting blazing drunk and going out where lots of
people are bound to be. It’s scary as hell too, my ever present stomach clench
of dread is nagging at me, but luckily my super-secret anti-anxiety elixir,
alcohol, should save me.
I finish up, turn off the water and jump out of the shower,
drying myself as quickly as possible in the cooler air. I wrap a towel around
me and move to the counter, where all my supplies are spread out. Time to
get glam-o-rous . The freakin pains we go to for beauty. I hum to
myself as I pick up each tool, using them deftly, my wrists flicking as I apply
blush to my cheeks. I’m trying, and failing to distract myself from the
obsessive thoughts of anxiety about the night ahead.
One of the girls I’m going to the party with is Hannah, a
pretty blonde with blue eyes and a cute upturned nose who I had met in class
several weeks before. She’s the kind of girl I always wished I could be, cute,
petite, thin, and definitely the kind of girl that guys love. We had been
assigned as lab partners and became fast friends. Hannah is easy to talk to,
loves to laugh and has a dirty sense of humor just like me. We’ve spent a lot
of time together recently, eating lunch, hanging in her dorm room, and even a
quick trip to the mall in my car, albeit with some heart thumping panic thrown
into each activity on my part. The other girls are Hannah’s friends and are
really nice, although I don’t know them well yet.
Hannah and I have conspired together about what costumes
we’ll wear and I’m really
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