lap, so I reach up to finger the rolled up silverware. But
still my hand shakes, quivering on the table. I bring my other hand up and
clamp it over the first . Stop. Now.
My stomach aches and I can’t breathe. It’s so damn hot in
here. Can’t they turn down the Goddamned heat? I’m going to be a sticky mess
for the rest of the night, like I’ve been freaking working out. Faaaack .
Finally he really looks at me and notices something is up.
“Are you okay, Vic?” he asks and I can tell he’s realized
the truth. My eyes must be huge, like a deer in the headlights, ready to be run
over by oncoming traffic, totally stunned.
“Um…yes. No. I don’t know,” I say in a tight voice.
“Babe, are you having an attack?” he asks with a knowing
look, his face so sincere, so caring that I feel tears start to form in my
eyes. He knows. He knows the truth, unlike everyone else in my world. He’s the
only one. He reaches across the table and puts his steady hand on top of my
shaking one.
“Yes, I’m freaking losing it,” I say with a tense smile,
reaching up with my other shaking hand to brush away the tears that are almost
over my lids.
“What do you want to do?” he asks, matter of fact. “We can
do whatever you want. Do you want to leave?”
I don’t say anything. I nod and I can feel that my face must
look like I’m in distress mode. I can’t seem to control it. The truth is that I
don’t really want to leave, but I feel like I have to. I’m going to be sick all
over this table in five seconds or I will have to use their bathroom 15 times
in one hour, I might as well get my dinner sent to me in the fucking bathroom. That’s
just awesome. I can’t fucking handle this!
“Okay, let’s go. Come on,” he says, getting up, pulling on
my limp hand.
“We can’t go, we just put in our order!” I say to him and he
smiles at me.
“We can do whatever the fuck we want, princess, and I’m here
to remind you so,” he says, pulling on my hand again.
I don’t get up. I just look at him. We can do whatever we
want. Really?
“Look, I’ll go pay them right now. I’ll tell them to cancel
the order, or we can just totally blow this joint, I don’t care which, but you
are more important to me than some dinner out,” he says and I feel faint. He
thinks I’m important, he cares about me as much as I care about him. I’ve never
felt this way before. Protected, understood, maybe even loved or cared about an
awful lot. It feels so good. Tears rush to my eyes again and I pull on his
hand.
“No sit, I can do it. I’ll make it. Just talk to me,
please,” I say.
He looks at me, serious, questioning, finally raising en
eyebrow to make sure I’m serious. I nod and he sits again, eyes on mine.
“Tell me about class. Did you skip again?” he asks, a
teasing glint in his eyes.
“I…ah…went to one class today. I skipped one.” I say,
putting my head in my hands. “Don’t judge, don’t scold, that’s not too bad
right, 50/50?” I say with a tiny smile, looking up at him and he laughs
outright.
“Hun, I just want to make sure you’ll be coming back next
semester. That’s the most important thing. If you need to you can always
withdraw.”
I smile, tears forming again. God I’m so emotional today and
he’s so understanding. I’ve never really talked with anyone about this shit and
it’s like heaven to be able to talk openly, to not have to hide how I really
feel.
“I think I can make it through the rest of the semester. I
probably won’t get stellar grades, but I think I can do it. I don’t want to
have to admit that this thing is that big. I feel like it gives it more power
if I give in to what it wants,” I reply.
“Yeah, I can see that. But I want you to be okay, Victoria. I
want you to know you can talk to me about this whenever and you can withdraw,
it’s not the end of the world,” he says, warm large hand on mine again.
I smile for real this time and I am now
still my hand shakes, quivering on the table. I bring my other hand up and
clamp it over the first . Stop. Now.
My stomach aches and I can’t breathe. It’s so damn hot in
here. Can’t they turn down the Goddamned heat? I’m going to be a sticky mess
for the rest of the night, like I’ve been freaking working out. Faaaack .
Finally he really looks at me and notices something is up.
“Are you okay, Vic?” he asks and I can tell he’s realized
the truth. My eyes must be huge, like a deer in the headlights, ready to be run
over by oncoming traffic, totally stunned.
“Um…yes. No. I don’t know,” I say in a tight voice.
“Babe, are you having an attack?” he asks with a knowing
look, his face so sincere, so caring that I feel tears start to form in my
eyes. He knows. He knows the truth, unlike everyone else in my world. He’s the
only one. He reaches across the table and puts his steady hand on top of my
shaking one.
“Yes, I’m freaking losing it,” I say with a tense smile,
reaching up with my other shaking hand to brush away the tears that are almost
over my lids.
“What do you want to do?” he asks, matter of fact. “We can
do whatever you want. Do you want to leave?”
I don’t say anything. I nod and I can feel that my face must
look like I’m in distress mode. I can’t seem to control it. The truth is that I
don’t really want to leave, but I feel like I have to. I’m going to be sick all
over this table in five seconds or I will have to use their bathroom 15 times
in one hour, I might as well get my dinner sent to me in the fucking bathroom. That’s
just awesome. I can’t fucking handle this!
“Okay, let’s go. Come on,” he says, getting up, pulling on
my limp hand.
“We can’t go, we just put in our order!” I say to him and he
smiles at me.
“We can do whatever the fuck we want, princess, and I’m here
to remind you so,” he says, pulling on my hand again.
I don’t get up. I just look at him. We can do whatever we
want. Really?
“Look, I’ll go pay them right now. I’ll tell them to cancel
the order, or we can just totally blow this joint, I don’t care which, but you
are more important to me than some dinner out,” he says and I feel faint. He
thinks I’m important, he cares about me as much as I care about him. I’ve never
felt this way before. Protected, understood, maybe even loved or cared about an
awful lot. It feels so good. Tears rush to my eyes again and I pull on his
hand.
“No sit, I can do it. I’ll make it. Just talk to me,
please,” I say.
He looks at me, serious, questioning, finally raising en
eyebrow to make sure I’m serious. I nod and he sits again, eyes on mine.
“Tell me about class. Did you skip again?” he asks, a
teasing glint in his eyes.
“I…ah…went to one class today. I skipped one.” I say,
putting my head in my hands. “Don’t judge, don’t scold, that’s not too bad
right, 50/50?” I say with a tiny smile, looking up at him and he laughs
outright.
“Hun, I just want to make sure you’ll be coming back next
semester. That’s the most important thing. If you need to you can always
withdraw.”
I smile, tears forming again. God I’m so emotional today and
he’s so understanding. I’ve never really talked with anyone about this shit and
it’s like heaven to be able to talk openly, to not have to hide how I really
feel.
“I think I can make it through the rest of the semester. I
probably won’t get stellar grades, but I think I can do it. I don’t want to
have to admit that this thing is that big. I feel like it gives it more power
if I give in to what it wants,” I reply.
“Yeah, I can see that. But I want you to be okay, Victoria. I
want you to know you can talk to me about this whenever and you can withdraw,
it’s not the end of the world,” he says, warm large hand on mine again.
I smile for real this time and I am now
Similar Books
