Read Online Andrew North Blows Up the World by Adam Selzer - Free Book Online
Authors: Adam Selzer
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bent over like her back is hurting, and she’s always walking around muttering “Oh, my lungs and liver!” like she’s in really terrible pain. I think maybe they just let her be the gym teacher so we can see how we’ll end up if we don’t exercise.
Some people think Coach Walker and Mr. Cunyan are secretly married. They’re about the same age, after all. I asked Jack about that once, and even he thought it was possible. He didn’t know for sure, though. It’s a mystery.
“All right, children,” said Coach Walker as we all walked into the gym. She never shouted at us, like some gym teachers do—she didn’t have the voice for it. Every time she tried to shout, it came out more like a croak. “I know tonight is your music program, so I am not going to work you very hard today.”
Everyone cheered.
“Today you are going to play Impossible Mission!”
Everyone cheered again, especially me. Impossible Mission is the most fun game ever invented by a gym teacher.It’s a game where you have to use your head. It was a perfect way to warm up for a spy mission!
Coach Walker went to her supply closet, and a couple kids started helping her pull out jump ropes, crates, brooms, little scooters, and junk like that. The idea of Impossible Mission is that she divides us up into teams, and each team has to get every member of the team from one end of the gym to the other using all the junk from the closet. The trick is that you’re not allowed to touch the floor. You have to use the jump ropes and stuff to get across without touching the ground. It’s pretty awesome. And I’m great at it! If there was an Impossible Mission team at the high school, I could totally make the varsity squad.
She divided all the junk into four piles and divided us into teams. I was hoping she would put me on Tony’s team, but no such luck. I was stuck in a group with Neil, Matt, and Melvin Purvis. Melvin Purvis might be an even bigger geek than poor Tony. With a name like that, he sort of has to be. He’s really rich, though, so no one picks on him. Every time someone does, he threatens to have his dad sue them.
“All right,” said Coach Walker. “You may begin… now!”
“Okay, guys,” I said to my team. “If you just wanna sit back, I can get us through this.”
“Shut up!” said Neil.
“Yeah, Andrew,” said Matt. “You stink at this game!”
“No, I don’t!” I insisted. “I’m practically a professional!”
“A professional?” Neil sneered. “You can’t be a professional Impossible Mission player. I’m in charge of this team, and that’s final!”
“Let’s vote on it,” I said. “All in favor of Neil being in charge?”
“Aye!” said Neil and Matt.
“And all in favor of me?” I asked, raising my own hand. I looked over at Melvin. “Come on, Purvis!” I said. “Are you gonna vote or not?”
Melvin shook his head. “I’m not voting for anyone,” he said. “I don’t want to be too involved.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“If I get involved and someone gets hurt, it could be my fault,” he said. “I don’t want to get sued!”
What a dork!
“That settles it, then!” said Neil. “I’m in charge.”
“Fine,” I said. “But let’s get started, all right? We’re already behind, and I don’t wanna lose!”
I already had a whole bunch of ideas for how to get across the gym without touching the ground. We could put the crate on top of the little scooter thing and push the first person across the floor. Then that person would hop off, push the scooter back, and get everyone else across on it. We could use the jump rope as a tow rope and pull the last person across. It was simple.
“All right,” said Neil. “I’ll go across first.”
He stepped into the milk crate and started slowlywiggling it. He was moving forward, but it would take him all day to get across, and he’d never be able to get it back across the floor to us once he got there.
“Come on, Neil!” I said.
Some people think Coach Walker and Mr. Cunyan are secretly married. They’re about the same age, after all. I asked Jack about that once, and even he thought it was possible. He didn’t know for sure, though. It’s a mystery.
“All right, children,” said Coach Walker as we all walked into the gym. She never shouted at us, like some gym teachers do—she didn’t have the voice for it. Every time she tried to shout, it came out more like a croak. “I know tonight is your music program, so I am not going to work you very hard today.”
Everyone cheered.
“Today you are going to play Impossible Mission!”
Everyone cheered again, especially me. Impossible Mission is the most fun game ever invented by a gym teacher.It’s a game where you have to use your head. It was a perfect way to warm up for a spy mission!
Coach Walker went to her supply closet, and a couple kids started helping her pull out jump ropes, crates, brooms, little scooters, and junk like that. The idea of Impossible Mission is that she divides us up into teams, and each team has to get every member of the team from one end of the gym to the other using all the junk from the closet. The trick is that you’re not allowed to touch the floor. You have to use the jump ropes and stuff to get across without touching the ground. It’s pretty awesome. And I’m great at it! If there was an Impossible Mission team at the high school, I could totally make the varsity squad.
She divided all the junk into four piles and divided us into teams. I was hoping she would put me on Tony’s team, but no such luck. I was stuck in a group with Neil, Matt, and Melvin Purvis. Melvin Purvis might be an even bigger geek than poor Tony. With a name like that, he sort of has to be. He’s really rich, though, so no one picks on him. Every time someone does, he threatens to have his dad sue them.
“All right,” said Coach Walker. “You may begin… now!”
“Okay, guys,” I said to my team. “If you just wanna sit back, I can get us through this.”
“Shut up!” said Neil.
“Yeah, Andrew,” said Matt. “You stink at this game!”
“No, I don’t!” I insisted. “I’m practically a professional!”
“A professional?” Neil sneered. “You can’t be a professional Impossible Mission player. I’m in charge of this team, and that’s final!”
“Let’s vote on it,” I said. “All in favor of Neil being in charge?”
“Aye!” said Neil and Matt.
“And all in favor of me?” I asked, raising my own hand. I looked over at Melvin. “Come on, Purvis!” I said. “Are you gonna vote or not?”
Melvin shook his head. “I’m not voting for anyone,” he said. “I don’t want to be too involved.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“If I get involved and someone gets hurt, it could be my fault,” he said. “I don’t want to get sued!”
What a dork!
“That settles it, then!” said Neil. “I’m in charge.”
“Fine,” I said. “But let’s get started, all right? We’re already behind, and I don’t wanna lose!”
I already had a whole bunch of ideas for how to get across the gym without touching the ground. We could put the crate on top of the little scooter thing and push the first person across the floor. Then that person would hop off, push the scooter back, and get everyone else across on it. We could use the jump rope as a tow rope and pull the last person across. It was simple.
“All right,” said Neil. “I’ll go across first.”
He stepped into the milk crate and started slowlywiggling it. He was moving forward, but it would take him all day to get across, and he’d never be able to get it back across the floor to us once he got there.
“Come on, Neil!” I said.
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