Read Online Ancient Blood: A Novel of the Hegemony (The Order Saga Book 1) by Brian McKinley - Free Book Online Page A

“Caroline … I don’t mean to be all needy but—”
    “Please, let’s not spoil the moment.”
    “I’m not trying to,” I said, wrapping my arms around her. “But I need to know. I need to know if you won’t say it because you’re afraid to or if it’s because the feelings aren’t there. I can deal with the answer either way but I just can’t stand the uncertainty.”
    She was quite for a minute or so before she said, “It has a lot to do with Sebastian.”
    “I kinda figured that.”
    “First, though, you have to understand about me. I … Sebastian was my first love. I was always the plain one, the dowdy one, the academic. I got fixed up on dates, of course but they were always the men from good families who nobody else wanted: boring or obnoxious or sickly or drunkards and I don’t remember any of them who could tolerate a woman more intelligent and opinionated than they were.”
    She was trying to be breezy about the story but I heard the pain. I knew that pain well. There are certain wounds that just never stop hurting, no matter how far beyond them we think we’ve grown. I wanted to travel back in time and pursue that Caroline and make her understand how special she was, how worthy of love, devotion and attention.
    “Sebastian was the first man who was ever interested in all of me. He was intrigued by my intellect rather than put off by it but he could also challenge me in return and we had so many interests in common. He would tell me that I was beautiful, like the women in a painting by Rubens or Rembrandt and make me believe it. Then he Created me and I felt beautiful. He was my first experience with a romantic relationship and everything about it was just so … intense. When we were happy, I felt like a goddess in Olympia and, later, when there was trouble, it was like I was the most miserable creature that ever existed.”
    She lifted her head and turned to look up at me. I stroked her hair and shoulder to show her with my body language that I still loved her. “What I’m trying to explain,” she said, “is that comparing you and Sebastian is like comparing apples with oranges. The things I cherish about you—your humor, your gentleness, your almost naïve romanticism, the way you consider my feelings in everything … Avery, even the things that I sometimes get irritated about are things that I love about you. But all those things are so different from the qualities that I loved in Sebastian, that it’s hard for me to know whether what I feel for you is actually love. So much of my concept of the word love is wrapped up in memories of Sebastian. Am I making sense?”
    I held my breath. It was crucial that I get this right. “Yeah, I think so. You’re saying you’re not sure you’re in love with me because it doesn’t feel like being in love with Sebastian did?”
    Dear Goddess, how I wanted to kill Sebastian at that moment.
    “Yes, exactly. I don’t want to say it unless I’m sure that I mean it but you have to understand that I’m trying to articulate feelings and associations here that are nearly subconscious. I’ve put a good deal of thought into this but—”
    “Well, have you—sorry for interrupting—but, I’m wondering if maybe the problem is that you’re trying to think about it too much. I mean, with stuff like this, you have to mostly follow your heart.”
    “Yes, I know,” she said. “But I think things through, I analyze, I weigh options. I’ve had to in order to survive.”
    I nodded, fiercely debating what I was about to ask before looking her right in the eyes. “Okay, I get that. Let me ask you something though and I want you to be completely honest because I’m absolutely serious. Is there anything about me that you would want me to try changing? Maybe some way I could be more like Sebastian to make you comf—”
    “Oh, God, Avery, don’t!” She sat up and pulled me to her and held me close. “Don’t say that, please, don’t even think it.