Read Online An Unlikely Daddy by Rachel Lee - Free Book Online

his bosses were right. Maybe they’d sensed something in him that had made them put him on enforced inactivity for longer than usual. Maybe John’s death had hit him harder than he thought.
    Death was his constant companion. He’d lost buddies before. Why should John be different? But somehow, in some deep way, he was. He had been, even before Ryker had decided to use this enforced break to keep his promise about Marisa. Why?
    He racked his brains, trying to get at it. Compartmentalizing wasn’t working. Nothing was working. John’s death had struck him hard, harder than others. Maybe he felt personally responsible? But that was ridiculous. Men who took these jobs took them willingly. Nobody lied about the risks, ever. They might lie and conceal everything else, but not the risks. Once you were in the field, it was a very bad time to discover you couldn’t handle the danger. And John had had plenty of previous experience. Some of the missions that Marisa would never know about had been CIA ones that used the Rangers, and John had known it.
    He rubbed his hand over his face, feeling a day’s stubble. Weird to be clean-shaven again. He still wasn’t used to it. He wondered if he could go for that two-day’s growth look that seemed so popular now.
    He wondered if Marisa would like it.
    Which brought him back to the guilt trip. He flopped back on the bed, telling himself not to be an idiot. Maybe he should just take care of those stairs, so she didn’t hurt herself and the baby, and then clear out. It’d be safer.
    But safer for whom? Himself? Marisa was so lost in grief and pregnancy that he was probably peripheral to her awareness of anything. So what if he wanted her? He could be certain she wouldn’t feel the same about him.
    Atonement, he reminded himself. Penance. Maybe hanging around and enduring his burgeoning desire for her was just part of the price he needed to pay. He’d already reopened her wounds. Who cared how uncomfortable this might be for him?
    He’d withstood more in his life. Far worse than a little self-denial when it came to sex. Although sex was one place he hadn’t practiced a whole lot of self-denial, except when on a mission.
    Love, he realized, was the one thing he’d never allowed to blossom in his heart. He preferred it that way. He’d leave no one behind to grieve him. If he needed proof that he was being wise, there was a woman right across town.
    A woman expecting a baby who’d never know its daddy. He never wanted to be responsible for that.
    But in a different way, he was accepting responsibility for it. It hadn’t been his choice, but it was still his responsibility. He owed that woman and child something. Hell, the whole damn agency did, but the most they ever managed was a letter and a star, and Marisa would never get those. If they had intended to tell her, she’d already know.
    The secrets must be kept.
    And suddenly, he hated them with every bit of passion he owned.
    * * *
    â€œWell, he was certainly interesting,” Julie remarked later as she and Marisa curled up in the living room with some hot chocolate. “Did you see that flash of anger?”
    â€œYeah.”
    â€œAll I did was ask him what took him so long to get here. You want my guess?”
    â€œAbout why?”
    Julie nodded. “I wish I had some marshmallows for this cocoa. My students have ruined me. I used to hate them. Anyway, he got mad because he felt bad about taking so long to get here. You must have noticed. Men get mad because it’s easier for them than dealing with other emotional stuff.”
    Marisa gave a little laugh. “Sometimes, anyway.”
    â€œWell, that’s my theory, and I’m sticking to it. They can’t cry, so they throw things or punch something. They could learn from us. Anyway, he’s an intriguing character. Attractive, too. He fluttered my little heart.”
    Now Marisa did laugh.