America's Galactic Foreign Legion - Book 1: Feeling Lucky

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Authors: Walter Knight
Tags: humor satire military war science fiction adventure action spider gambling
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could smell the spiders.
Just like the one we killed earlier. Smelled like earwigs when you
step on them, bitter and pungent. The others smelled it too, but no
one made a sound. I clutched my rifle, waiting for the next flick
of the red strobe light. Now! I shot the spider on the ceiling, then crashed
sideways into another spider to my left. The spider clawed at me as
I hit it with my rifle butt and kicked it in the leg. I could hear
its leg snap as the spider fell to the ground, its rifle clattering
to the side. Bullets ricocheted as Private Williams tore another
spider apart. My spider hissed and clawed at me from the ground as
I crushed its head with a stomp of my boot. It was all over almost
as soon as it started. Then silence. And stench.
    “ Anyone hurt?” I called out.
Flashlights lit up the area as we checked ourselves and the dead
spiders.
    “ Just shit my pants is all,”
answered Private Green. I hoped he was joking.
    “ Got slime and spider guts
all over me,” said Private Williams.
    “ More Mamelukes,” said
Lopez, holding up another diamond on a gold chain. “I think they
all wear these diamonds and gold chains.”
    I snatched the two other diamonds. “We might
get rich yet,” I said. “Got to love this war.”
    “ These spiders just wait
here in the dark?” asked Private Ceausescu. “It’s
unnatural.”
    “ I’ll protect you, sweetie,”
leered Private Kool.
    “ You can’t even protect
yourself,” snapped Private Ceausescu.
    “ Check them for food and
water,” I ordered. “I’m getting hungry.”
    “ Tell me about it,” said
Private Kool. “I’m all out.”
    “ There’s no food here,”
complained Corporal Lopez. “I don’t think spiders eat much. You
know, some spiders on Old Earth can go a whole year without
eating.”
    “ Yeah well, that fat little
spider we killed earlier had enough food with him,” I said. “Keep
looking.”

    * * * * *

    We didn’t find anything to eat, so we moved
on. Walked for a couple more days. Found some water dripping from
the tunnel ceiling. Private Williams ate a cricket. Said it was
almost as good as back home (Tennessee). Finally we found light at
the end of the tunnel, but it was a spider habitat – a huge cavern
filled with spiders. Spiders were crawling around everywhere.
Others were motionless, doing their spider-in-the-dark thing. There
was even a waterfall and swimming pool with spiders swimming and
splashing about without a care in the world.
    Everything happened fast. The platoon spread
out. Private Williams opened up with the machine gun. The rest of
us fired mini-grenades. Surprise was complete. Most of the spiders
were unarmed, or had set their weapons aside in stacks. Maybe by
instinct, the spiders clustered together in one corner. That just
made it easier to mow them down. Just when we thought we had killed
them all, half-sized spiders started dropping down on us from the
ceiling. One bit Sergeant Lopez on the arm. Using our rifles like
baseball bats, we swatted them out of the air and then crushed them
under our boots. We chased a few up the walls until the last of
them was dead. When the shooting stopped, the cavern was a bloody
mess. We killed maybe 300 of them. The spiders were all shapes,
sizes, and colors. Not one legionnaire was injured, except Corporal
Lopez. And even his arm bite wound didn’t stop him from racing
about, looting diamond chains from dead spiders. Even the
half-sized spiders wore the jewelry.
    “ Medic,” I yelled. “Attend
to Lopez. He got bit. Green! There’s a bunch of spiders still
twitching. Take a detail and finish them off.” I looked about.
Spiders were floating in the pool. “And Green, clean out that pool.
I want to take a bath.”
    “ Yes sir,” said Private
Green.
    “ Everyone, keep looking for
food!” I ordered, as I went around collecting diamond chains from
the spider debris. “I’m starving.”
    “ What do you think a spider
tastes like?” asked Corporal Lopez, holding up a

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