Read Online Always and Forever by Karla J. Nellenbach - Free Book Online
Authors: Karla J. Nellenbach
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He leaned back again and rested his forehead against mine, our noses rubbing together. His eyes slid closed, his lips still spread in that triumphant grin. “You don't even know how worried I was, Mia,” he confessed, his voice barely above a whisper. “I was so sure we'd have bad news to deal with. I was so afraid you'd tell me you were dying. That I was going to lose you.” He choked out a sob. Tears were sliding copiously down his face, his eyes still squeezed shut. “It was a terrible feeling, the thought of being without you. I don't mind admitting to that now that I know you're okay.”
Guilt speared through me as his last words sunk in. Now that I know you're okay. “You'd be okay,” I told him. “If I was sick, you'd be alright. Just like the last time, with the leukemia. You handled it all just fine.”
Was I trying to reassure him or me?
He laughed softly and shook his head. “I wasn't okay, then, Mia. Pretty fucking far from it, actually. And, this is nowhere near the same as back then. This would've been so much worse.” He opened his eyes and leaned in to brush his lips gently against mine. “It would've killed me,” he murmured into my mouth. “Life without you.”
“Kal,” I sighed, my resolve wavering. I couldn't lie to him. I had to tell him. Everything. “Kal, I—”
“What are you two doing in there?” Ricki demanded, pounding on the door. “I don't hear any sex sounds, and I can't believe that Mia would be all that quiet, unless you're doing something wrong, Kal.”
We both groaned in response. “Just give us one more minute, Ricki,” Kal returned. He turned his attention back to me and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Knowing her, she'll be inspecting you for hickeys when we come out.”
I couldn't help but laugh at his disgruntled tone. Ricki banged on the door again. I groaned inwardly but stepped away from Kal. “Alright. Alright,” I grumbled. “We're coming out.”
As I reached out for the knob, Kal caught my hand and squeezed. I lifted my gaze to meet his and found sheer joy there. I couldn't tell him the truth now. It would shatter him. I just couldn't destroy him like that.
I was already sinking. I wouldn't drag him down with me.
N INE
EXHAUSTION PULLED AT ME, working hard to drag me down deep, but sleep continued to be an elusive, sneaky creature. Hours of tossing, turning, and staring at the miniscule cracks in the ceiling left my body even more leaden, but my mind was racing, jumping back and forth between worry and anger, desperation and rage.
I would not die of cancer. That's all there was to it. The. End.
I threw off the covers, launched myself out of bed, and padded to the door. I slowly eased it open and listened, breath held as I waited to make sure the coast was clear. Then, I made my escape.
Downstairs, I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and crept into the living room but stopped short when I realized that I was not the only one up and wandering the house in the dead of night.
Mom looked up and smiled through the thick veil of tears that turned her eyes glassy in the dim light. She patted the cushion beside her. “Come and sit with me, baby,” she commanded in that soft mom will always love you so don't be scared tone of hers she'd perfected when I was still little.
There was no question that I'd do just that. I shuffled over to her side, curled up on the sofa, and rested my head on her shoulder. She, in turn, slid her arm around me and shifted the blanket that covered her legs so I could scoot under it, too.
“What are you doing?” I asked after a long moment of silence.
She shrugged, tapped the brightly colored book in her lap. “Just reading. I didn't want to wake up your father. He has an earlymeeting.” Her voice was raspy, hard gravel slipping out of her and rolling over me. Her pain embedded itself in my skin.
“He works hard,” I whispered because anything louder would've betrayed just how much her hurt
He leaned back again and rested his forehead against mine, our noses rubbing together. His eyes slid closed, his lips still spread in that triumphant grin. “You don't even know how worried I was, Mia,” he confessed, his voice barely above a whisper. “I was so sure we'd have bad news to deal with. I was so afraid you'd tell me you were dying. That I was going to lose you.” He choked out a sob. Tears were sliding copiously down his face, his eyes still squeezed shut. “It was a terrible feeling, the thought of being without you. I don't mind admitting to that now that I know you're okay.”
Guilt speared through me as his last words sunk in. Now that I know you're okay. “You'd be okay,” I told him. “If I was sick, you'd be alright. Just like the last time, with the leukemia. You handled it all just fine.”
Was I trying to reassure him or me?
He laughed softly and shook his head. “I wasn't okay, then, Mia. Pretty fucking far from it, actually. And, this is nowhere near the same as back then. This would've been so much worse.” He opened his eyes and leaned in to brush his lips gently against mine. “It would've killed me,” he murmured into my mouth. “Life without you.”
“Kal,” I sighed, my resolve wavering. I couldn't lie to him. I had to tell him. Everything. “Kal, I—”
“What are you two doing in there?” Ricki demanded, pounding on the door. “I don't hear any sex sounds, and I can't believe that Mia would be all that quiet, unless you're doing something wrong, Kal.”
We both groaned in response. “Just give us one more minute, Ricki,” Kal returned. He turned his attention back to me and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “Knowing her, she'll be inspecting you for hickeys when we come out.”
I couldn't help but laugh at his disgruntled tone. Ricki banged on the door again. I groaned inwardly but stepped away from Kal. “Alright. Alright,” I grumbled. “We're coming out.”
As I reached out for the knob, Kal caught my hand and squeezed. I lifted my gaze to meet his and found sheer joy there. I couldn't tell him the truth now. It would shatter him. I just couldn't destroy him like that.
I was already sinking. I wouldn't drag him down with me.
N INE
EXHAUSTION PULLED AT ME, working hard to drag me down deep, but sleep continued to be an elusive, sneaky creature. Hours of tossing, turning, and staring at the miniscule cracks in the ceiling left my body even more leaden, but my mind was racing, jumping back and forth between worry and anger, desperation and rage.
I would not die of cancer. That's all there was to it. The. End.
I threw off the covers, launched myself out of bed, and padded to the door. I slowly eased it open and listened, breath held as I waited to make sure the coast was clear. Then, I made my escape.
Downstairs, I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and crept into the living room but stopped short when I realized that I was not the only one up and wandering the house in the dead of night.
Mom looked up and smiled through the thick veil of tears that turned her eyes glassy in the dim light. She patted the cushion beside her. “Come and sit with me, baby,” she commanded in that soft mom will always love you so don't be scared tone of hers she'd perfected when I was still little.
There was no question that I'd do just that. I shuffled over to her side, curled up on the sofa, and rested my head on her shoulder. She, in turn, slid her arm around me and shifted the blanket that covered her legs so I could scoot under it, too.
“What are you doing?” I asked after a long moment of silence.
She shrugged, tapped the brightly colored book in her lap. “Just reading. I didn't want to wake up your father. He has an earlymeeting.” Her voice was raspy, hard gravel slipping out of her and rolling over me. Her pain embedded itself in my skin.
“He works hard,” I whispered because anything louder would've betrayed just how much her hurt
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