thinking, stopped us from moving, and stopped all of us from working, except for our eyes, which immediately summoned tears. There we stood in front of the classroom with all the other children around us (except for those with names that came before ours alphabetically and except for Eda—whose name had come between us—who had obediently taken her place): lachrymose pillars, rigid in our disobedience, holding hands which we were determined would never come unfastened. The teacher asked which of us was called Alva, but neither of us responded. She smiled then, asked us again in a kind voice, but we wouldn’t look at her face, nor answer her. When she asked us once more, the voice was still kind, but we could detect a note of harshness underneath it. There was nastiness in this woman; she smelt of pencil shavings, and that was not an encouraging smell, speaking as it did of sharp points. She asked us again which was Alva, and to add to the possibilities, as if the situation was not confusing and distressing enough, which was Irva. But really we were both Alva and we were both Irva then. We remainedjaw locked in our misery and rather than looking at her face we regarded her hair, which was tied up into the tightest little bun on the top of her head, like a mean version of a halo on a statue of an almost-saint. But our considerations of Miss Aynk—for such was that piece of authority’s name (and it was a name that would never leave her, but would stick to her like a tattoo, refusing her marriage)—were interrupted by her bony hands which leapt forwards now and took hold of the wrists of those hands of ours which were joined.
She actually touched us! The horror of a teacher touching a pupil. They should learn to keep their distance. Just as there are signs ‘Keep off the Grass’, there should be signs ‘Do Not Touch the Pupils’. And there was such strictness, such firmness, such domination in that unwelcome touch. And such cold hands too, hands that had never been warmed by love. Hands that had spent far too long sharpening pencils. And then, she severed us!
And we began to shake, our whole formerly twinned but now bisected bodies grimly twitched, a dance to this cruelty, and the tears flooded out now, and everything was shifting out of focus. We were going to die, this was it, we were going to die. And we waited for the darkness to come. But then, oh bless her beautiful plaits, Eda stood up and said, ‘Please, Miss Aynk, I think they want to sit together.’ ‘Do you?,’ Miss Aynk asked. And then we found we could nod. Aynk said, ‘I am a tolerant woman. Would Eda Dapps mind sitting next to Stepan Dinkin?’ ‘No, miss.’ But would Stepan Dinkin mind sitting next to Eda Dapps? And then Stepan Dinkin emerged from the mass behind us to expose himself as a healthy-looking boy with curly mousy hair and even, how extraordinary this was, with his left ear pierced, and this ear-pierced seven-year-old responded negatively to Miss Aynk’s question, which is to say he responded very positively in our favour. And it was because of us, because we upset the alphabet, that Stepan Dinkin and Eda Dapps began to get to know each other, and, in due course, Stepan and Eda married.
Alva and Irva: matchmakers!
And that is the little story of how we upset the alphabet and at the same time upset our form teacher, Miss Aynk—who was veryfond of order, alphabetical or otherwise. In fact, I wonder if she would have preferred never to speak at all and therefore to have left all the words in the dictionary in their correct places.
I N CLASS we quickly became academic underachievers, keeping quiet always, huddled close to each other, holding hands under the desk. But sometimes I would be desperate to take part and would raise my free hand even though I didn’t know the answer, and when the teacher asked me to speak, and I said nothing, how the class giggled and whooped. In breaks, we would remain at our desk, quietly whispering, and
She actually touched us! The horror of a teacher touching a pupil. They should learn to keep their distance. Just as there are signs ‘Keep off the Grass’, there should be signs ‘Do Not Touch the Pupils’. And there was such strictness, such firmness, such domination in that unwelcome touch. And such cold hands too, hands that had never been warmed by love. Hands that had spent far too long sharpening pencils. And then, she severed us!
And we began to shake, our whole formerly twinned but now bisected bodies grimly twitched, a dance to this cruelty, and the tears flooded out now, and everything was shifting out of focus. We were going to die, this was it, we were going to die. And we waited for the darkness to come. But then, oh bless her beautiful plaits, Eda stood up and said, ‘Please, Miss Aynk, I think they want to sit together.’ ‘Do you?,’ Miss Aynk asked. And then we found we could nod. Aynk said, ‘I am a tolerant woman. Would Eda Dapps mind sitting next to Stepan Dinkin?’ ‘No, miss.’ But would Stepan Dinkin mind sitting next to Eda Dapps? And then Stepan Dinkin emerged from the mass behind us to expose himself as a healthy-looking boy with curly mousy hair and even, how extraordinary this was, with his left ear pierced, and this ear-pierced seven-year-old responded negatively to Miss Aynk’s question, which is to say he responded very positively in our favour. And it was because of us, because we upset the alphabet, that Stepan Dinkin and Eda Dapps began to get to know each other, and, in due course, Stepan and Eda married.
Alva and Irva: matchmakers!
And that is the little story of how we upset the alphabet and at the same time upset our form teacher, Miss Aynk—who was veryfond of order, alphabetical or otherwise. In fact, I wonder if she would have preferred never to speak at all and therefore to have left all the words in the dictionary in their correct places.
I N CLASS we quickly became academic underachievers, keeping quiet always, huddled close to each other, holding hands under the desk. But sometimes I would be desperate to take part and would raise my free hand even though I didn’t know the answer, and when the teacher asked me to speak, and I said nothing, how the class giggled and whooped. In breaks, we would remain at our desk, quietly whispering, and
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