Toby. School.
I turn to him. When his eyes meet mine, I say, "Leaving is the right thing."
" It is," he agrees.
I take a deep breath and force myself to believe it.
Ignoring the doubts I had then and getting on that plane wasn't simple at all, I realize now. It was terrifying, but I needed to believe him so I shoved all those questions down and went. I can't take that back now. For the rest of my life, I'll be the girl who listened to all the wrong things and went.
"Oh," Madeline says. A frown mars her face as I blink down at her. "Do you mean a spiritual journey kind of thing?"
I start to tell her no, but stop myself. How do I explain to a child who's lost so much and still shines brightly that I've never felt the sense of belonging and rightness that is so much a part of her world? She's devastated by loss now, but she will never have to question if she's loved, wanted, or needed. She's surrounded by those things and will always be secure in the knowledge that she has a family, a place, a home .
I don't begrudge her that. I just wish that I could be as assured, as confident. And I have no idea how to get to that place where I know I fit. Is it even possible to find it here, in this world of riches and balls? She's a princess. I'm Cinderella. Not the one who marries the prince, but the other one. The sad girl caught by the stroke of midnight, forced to flee from the ball in rags while the lies seducing her with promises of something better unwind around her.
I want to blame Toby for this, but the truth is, I was already broken.
That realization unravels a little bit of the security I've carved out of the last week and leaves me deflated and restless again. One step forward and two steps back. The story of my life.
"Yeah," I finally answer when the swing slows to a creaking halt, "a spiritual journey."
"Oh," Maddi says again, her brow wrinkled as she tries to work it out for herself. "My friend Chantelle wants to do that when she graduates. She says she's going to backpack through Europe, see where the road takes her, and find herself." She shudders. "It sounds awful."
Backpacking was never high on my list of things to do either so I say nothing and instead scuff at a stubborn, dying weed with the toe of my shoe. Madeline bounces up from the swing and turns to face me, her blue eyes searching my face.
I try to offer her a smile, but I'm not sure if I manage to succeed or not. My mind is a million miles away again, trying to work out answers that only bring more questions, more doubts. There are so many questions, and not nearly enough answers.
Eventually Maddi smiles sadly, as if she's seen more of my conflict than I want her to. "I don't know what happened while you were there or anything, but I'm sorry he hurt you. And I really missed you." She reaches out, squeezes my arm, and then walks away, her shoulders hunched.
I sink down into the swing she's vacated and watch her go. I want to call out and tell her… something – that I'm sorry I hurt her – but I don't. I don't know what to say or do to make up for the last two years, and I'm taken aback that she knows as much as she does. She's far too smart for her own good.
An hour later, I'm still twisting aimlessly on the swing when Jared appears beside me. I've almost gotten used to him appearing out of nowhere and nearly control the way my body jerks.
He notices it anyway and smirks at me.
"You never see me coming," he says, leaning back against the tree trunk and crossing his arms.
"You're very quiet."
He's wearing a white button down and has the sleeves rolled up his forearms. I focus on them, not quite ready to meet those jade eyes yet. The hair on his arms is baby fine and seems almost to shine in the waning sunlight. His skin is golden brown, his forearms corded with muscle.
"You really work at T.I. with Lexi?" I ask.
"Huh?" He sounds surprised by the question.
I nod my head in his direction. "You're not very pudgy."
My cheeks begin to
I turn to him. When his eyes meet mine, I say, "Leaving is the right thing."
" It is," he agrees.
I take a deep breath and force myself to believe it.
Ignoring the doubts I had then and getting on that plane wasn't simple at all, I realize now. It was terrifying, but I needed to believe him so I shoved all those questions down and went. I can't take that back now. For the rest of my life, I'll be the girl who listened to all the wrong things and went.
"Oh," Madeline says. A frown mars her face as I blink down at her. "Do you mean a spiritual journey kind of thing?"
I start to tell her no, but stop myself. How do I explain to a child who's lost so much and still shines brightly that I've never felt the sense of belonging and rightness that is so much a part of her world? She's devastated by loss now, but she will never have to question if she's loved, wanted, or needed. She's surrounded by those things and will always be secure in the knowledge that she has a family, a place, a home .
I don't begrudge her that. I just wish that I could be as assured, as confident. And I have no idea how to get to that place where I know I fit. Is it even possible to find it here, in this world of riches and balls? She's a princess. I'm Cinderella. Not the one who marries the prince, but the other one. The sad girl caught by the stroke of midnight, forced to flee from the ball in rags while the lies seducing her with promises of something better unwind around her.
I want to blame Toby for this, but the truth is, I was already broken.
That realization unravels a little bit of the security I've carved out of the last week and leaves me deflated and restless again. One step forward and two steps back. The story of my life.
"Yeah," I finally answer when the swing slows to a creaking halt, "a spiritual journey."
"Oh," Maddi says again, her brow wrinkled as she tries to work it out for herself. "My friend Chantelle wants to do that when she graduates. She says she's going to backpack through Europe, see where the road takes her, and find herself." She shudders. "It sounds awful."
Backpacking was never high on my list of things to do either so I say nothing and instead scuff at a stubborn, dying weed with the toe of my shoe. Madeline bounces up from the swing and turns to face me, her blue eyes searching my face.
I try to offer her a smile, but I'm not sure if I manage to succeed or not. My mind is a million miles away again, trying to work out answers that only bring more questions, more doubts. There are so many questions, and not nearly enough answers.
Eventually Maddi smiles sadly, as if she's seen more of my conflict than I want her to. "I don't know what happened while you were there or anything, but I'm sorry he hurt you. And I really missed you." She reaches out, squeezes my arm, and then walks away, her shoulders hunched.
I sink down into the swing she's vacated and watch her go. I want to call out and tell her… something – that I'm sorry I hurt her – but I don't. I don't know what to say or do to make up for the last two years, and I'm taken aback that she knows as much as she does. She's far too smart for her own good.
An hour later, I'm still twisting aimlessly on the swing when Jared appears beside me. I've almost gotten used to him appearing out of nowhere and nearly control the way my body jerks.
He notices it anyway and smirks at me.
"You never see me coming," he says, leaning back against the tree trunk and crossing his arms.
"You're very quiet."
He's wearing a white button down and has the sleeves rolled up his forearms. I focus on them, not quite ready to meet those jade eyes yet. The hair on his arms is baby fine and seems almost to shine in the waning sunlight. His skin is golden brown, his forearms corded with muscle.
"You really work at T.I. with Lexi?" I ask.
"Huh?" He sounds surprised by the question.
I nod my head in his direction. "You're not very pudgy."
My cheeks begin to
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