beyond the grave. It would've been hanging over my head otherwise, I'd have always been wondering when it'd leak. Now I know, and I feel like there's a clean slate now.” I pause for a moment. “I think you should watch it.”
Her eyes widen with shock. “What?”
“I mean it. I think you should watch it all the way through. That way, it's over and done with. Instead of imagining what it's like, you should just watch the damn thing.”
She shakes her head. “I can't...”
“Why not?” I ask.
“No way could I ever watch it,” she stammers. “I mean, the idea... I just... No!”
“Do you want to watch it with me?” I ask.
“No!”
“There's no point hiding from it. I'm not ashamed.” That's not true. I'm very ashamed. I just feel like if I keep saying those words, eventually they'll come true.
She stares at me for a moment. “Anna, have you spoken to your psychiatrist about this?”
“Just a couple of hours ago.”
“And what did he -”
“Pretty much the same as you,” I continue, interrupting her. “I guess people want me to drop to the floor and start weeping, but that's the last thing I'm going to do. Instead, I want to just focus on the future.” I glance at the logo on her uniform. “So are there any jobs going at that hotel?”
“Jobs?”
“Work. Ways to make money.”
“But...” She pauses again. “Anna, I really don't think you should be throwing yourself into things quite so hard. I mean, do you really want to be -”
“Like a normal person?” Turning, I grab two cups, slip a tea bag into each of them, and then pour hot water. My hand is shaking, but not too much. I know I'm being a little unreasonable, but I figure I can still get out there and try to be like everyone else. Not partying, not going to pubs, but just slipping into some kind of routine. Going out the other night was a mistake, but trying to find a job is a step in the right direction. “I don't want to live with my mother forever,” I continue. “Now that really would be unhealthy. I know I need to ease into life a little more gently, and that's fine, but just a quiet, relatively easy job wouldn't be too bad. Besides, it'd be better than sitting around here with loads of time on my hands, over-thinking everything.” I slide a cup toward her. “Trust me, that's way worse. I need to keep busy.”
“But -”
“And I'm not some kind of emotional wreck,” I add. “Unless you think I'm hiding something and I'd go mad at work and smash everything up?”
She stares at me. “No,” she says finally, “I think you're... You're amazing!”
“I'm not amazing,” I tell her, stirring my tea. “I'm just me, and I refuse to let myself get crushed by what happened at the cabin. So what kind of jobs are going at the hotel?”
***
Rolling over in bed, I look across my darkened room and just about manage to see my laptop on the desk. That video file is still on the hard-disk, waiting for me to watch again.
Nearby, something creaks in the darkness.
I hold my breath.
Jennifer?
I wouldn't be surprised. I'm sure my messed-up subconscious mind is going to keep throwing up little treats for me, but in a way I'm looking forward to seeing her again. It'll give me a chance to reject her, to make a stand and show that I'm not scared anymore. I feel as if, by rejecting the idea of her presence, I can take a step forward.
Another creak.
“Everyone thinks you're so innocent,” her voice hisses in my thoughts. “What if they knew what you did after the cabin burned down?”
“I didn't do anything,” I whisper.
Instinctively, I reach over and switch on the lamp next to my bed. There's no sign of anyone in the room, of course, so I switch the lamp off again and take a deep breath. Maybe I should have accepted Doctor Lewis's offer of a prescription for sleeping pills, but the last thing I want is to end up taking loads of medication. I want to be normal, although maybe being pilled-up to the gills is
Her eyes widen with shock. “What?”
“I mean it. I think you should watch it all the way through. That way, it's over and done with. Instead of imagining what it's like, you should just watch the damn thing.”
She shakes her head. “I can't...”
“Why not?” I ask.
“No way could I ever watch it,” she stammers. “I mean, the idea... I just... No!”
“Do you want to watch it with me?” I ask.
“No!”
“There's no point hiding from it. I'm not ashamed.” That's not true. I'm very ashamed. I just feel like if I keep saying those words, eventually they'll come true.
She stares at me for a moment. “Anna, have you spoken to your psychiatrist about this?”
“Just a couple of hours ago.”
“And what did he -”
“Pretty much the same as you,” I continue, interrupting her. “I guess people want me to drop to the floor and start weeping, but that's the last thing I'm going to do. Instead, I want to just focus on the future.” I glance at the logo on her uniform. “So are there any jobs going at that hotel?”
“Jobs?”
“Work. Ways to make money.”
“But...” She pauses again. “Anna, I really don't think you should be throwing yourself into things quite so hard. I mean, do you really want to be -”
“Like a normal person?” Turning, I grab two cups, slip a tea bag into each of them, and then pour hot water. My hand is shaking, but not too much. I know I'm being a little unreasonable, but I figure I can still get out there and try to be like everyone else. Not partying, not going to pubs, but just slipping into some kind of routine. Going out the other night was a mistake, but trying to find a job is a step in the right direction. “I don't want to live with my mother forever,” I continue. “Now that really would be unhealthy. I know I need to ease into life a little more gently, and that's fine, but just a quiet, relatively easy job wouldn't be too bad. Besides, it'd be better than sitting around here with loads of time on my hands, over-thinking everything.” I slide a cup toward her. “Trust me, that's way worse. I need to keep busy.”
“But -”
“And I'm not some kind of emotional wreck,” I add. “Unless you think I'm hiding something and I'd go mad at work and smash everything up?”
She stares at me. “No,” she says finally, “I think you're... You're amazing!”
“I'm not amazing,” I tell her, stirring my tea. “I'm just me, and I refuse to let myself get crushed by what happened at the cabin. So what kind of jobs are going at the hotel?”
***
Rolling over in bed, I look across my darkened room and just about manage to see my laptop on the desk. That video file is still on the hard-disk, waiting for me to watch again.
Nearby, something creaks in the darkness.
I hold my breath.
Jennifer?
I wouldn't be surprised. I'm sure my messed-up subconscious mind is going to keep throwing up little treats for me, but in a way I'm looking forward to seeing her again. It'll give me a chance to reject her, to make a stand and show that I'm not scared anymore. I feel as if, by rejecting the idea of her presence, I can take a step forward.
Another creak.
“Everyone thinks you're so innocent,” her voice hisses in my thoughts. “What if they knew what you did after the cabin burned down?”
“I didn't do anything,” I whisper.
Instinctively, I reach over and switch on the lamp next to my bed. There's no sign of anyone in the room, of course, so I switch the lamp off again and take a deep breath. Maybe I should have accepted Doctor Lewis's offer of a prescription for sleeping pills, but the last thing I want is to end up taking loads of medication. I want to be normal, although maybe being pilled-up to the gills is
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