You didn’t fuck him, but you wanted to.”
I nodded. I could nod. I could take another drink.
“He was incredibly gorgeous and he started a major thaw downstairs.” I smiled. Alice was so funny, so funny.
“He looked at you with those big eyes and you lost your mind.”
I found my voice. “Something like that.” I closed my eyes and remembered seeing him for the first time. Then his hand on my shoulder. His voice in my ear, telling me it would all be ok.
“He touched you.”
I couldn’t help letting out a sigh. My emotions had been twenty ways to hell fucked with today. I put my head in my hands. “He did.” Why was I torturing myself? “Ok. He put his arm around me and said he wanted to show me where he worked.” Alice looked excited again. “He whispered in my ear and said it would be ok. His voice…” I looked away.
“Holy hell. What a player.” Alice shook her head. “But come on, when you look like that, you almost have to. It would be a waste, especially when there are people starving…” She pointed at me accusingly. “You. Did. Not. Turn. Him. Down. No. Don’t tell me if you did.”
“No, no, it wasn’t like that. His manager thought he’d had me though. But it wasn’t like that. It was…” My words were lost in the shards of memory I was looking at. I held on to the table and grabbed the glass, very carefully. I got it to my mouth, and sipped. Ah. Better. I was drunk. Ok, I couldn’t have her think I’d turned him down. That would be certifiable. And I wasn’t crazy, right? Just a little weird. That’s why I had collapsed by my own front door, smelling my handbag. Right.
“Tell me. Now.” Alice wasn’t generally a mean drunk, but she looked pissed off.
“Ok, ok. We went into his office, room, whatever. It was very neat. It smelled fantastic.”
“Like what?” Happy Alice was back.
“God, I don’t know. Leather. Flowers. Wood. Him.” I stopped. “Don’t say it. Don’t fuck with my memory.”
“Don’t worry, go on.” She was gentler now.
“Then he played me some of the new stuff. It’s amazing, incredible. Did I tell you we had moved to the sofa? He was so close, but…listening to him talk about the music. I never meet anyone brave enough to care about anything that much!” I realized I was shouting. I took another sip, and tried to regain control over my voice. “Then he said he had something special to play for me.”
“Oh here we go.” Alice nodded. “Something special.”
“No, it wasn’t like that.” How many times had I said that now? I had a feeling it was going to be my new mantra. Everyone would just think that of course he took and of course I gave. Of course. No. “Listen, no, the song was just like everything I’ve had in my head for a while. I mean, he’s just been through being betrayed too, so it’s not surprising, but…” I fell silent.
“So he played the song. Then what?” Alice was bouncing again.
“I started crying.”
She made a face. “Oh man, that’s a passion killer. You should have just said no.” She shook her head.
“But that’s just it. He…held me. He was so…,” I struggled to find some way to describe it. “So gentle. Then he kissed my cheek.”
“Your cheek? Mr. Sex God. Whoa. That’s unexpected. Ok, so you’re a tearful mess and he’s being kind. Then what?”
I heard the shouting in my brain and drank down the rest of the whisky in a shot. I would never tell her what he said. She already thought it weird enough that he’d been kind. Fine. Our memory. Our secret, then. “His manager came in. He had another appointment.”
“And that’s it?” Alice looked disappointed. I didn’t blame her, not really. It wasn’t the sweaty tryst his pictures made you think of.
“Yeah, I said I had a few more questions, and he could call if he wanted to finish it up. Or not. The manager was an asshole, implied he fucked all the interviewers who walked in the door.”
“Maybe he
I nodded. I could nod. I could take another drink.
“He was incredibly gorgeous and he started a major thaw downstairs.” I smiled. Alice was so funny, so funny.
“He looked at you with those big eyes and you lost your mind.”
I found my voice. “Something like that.” I closed my eyes and remembered seeing him for the first time. Then his hand on my shoulder. His voice in my ear, telling me it would all be ok.
“He touched you.”
I couldn’t help letting out a sigh. My emotions had been twenty ways to hell fucked with today. I put my head in my hands. “He did.” Why was I torturing myself? “Ok. He put his arm around me and said he wanted to show me where he worked.” Alice looked excited again. “He whispered in my ear and said it would be ok. His voice…” I looked away.
“Holy hell. What a player.” Alice shook her head. “But come on, when you look like that, you almost have to. It would be a waste, especially when there are people starving…” She pointed at me accusingly. “You. Did. Not. Turn. Him. Down. No. Don’t tell me if you did.”
“No, no, it wasn’t like that. His manager thought he’d had me though. But it wasn’t like that. It was…” My words were lost in the shards of memory I was looking at. I held on to the table and grabbed the glass, very carefully. I got it to my mouth, and sipped. Ah. Better. I was drunk. Ok, I couldn’t have her think I’d turned him down. That would be certifiable. And I wasn’t crazy, right? Just a little weird. That’s why I had collapsed by my own front door, smelling my handbag. Right.
“Tell me. Now.” Alice wasn’t generally a mean drunk, but she looked pissed off.
“Ok, ok. We went into his office, room, whatever. It was very neat. It smelled fantastic.”
“Like what?” Happy Alice was back.
“God, I don’t know. Leather. Flowers. Wood. Him.” I stopped. “Don’t say it. Don’t fuck with my memory.”
“Don’t worry, go on.” She was gentler now.
“Then he played me some of the new stuff. It’s amazing, incredible. Did I tell you we had moved to the sofa? He was so close, but…listening to him talk about the music. I never meet anyone brave enough to care about anything that much!” I realized I was shouting. I took another sip, and tried to regain control over my voice. “Then he said he had something special to play for me.”
“Oh here we go.” Alice nodded. “Something special.”
“No, it wasn’t like that.” How many times had I said that now? I had a feeling it was going to be my new mantra. Everyone would just think that of course he took and of course I gave. Of course. No. “Listen, no, the song was just like everything I’ve had in my head for a while. I mean, he’s just been through being betrayed too, so it’s not surprising, but…” I fell silent.
“So he played the song. Then what?” Alice was bouncing again.
“I started crying.”
She made a face. “Oh man, that’s a passion killer. You should have just said no.” She shook her head.
“But that’s just it. He…held me. He was so…,” I struggled to find some way to describe it. “So gentle. Then he kissed my cheek.”
“Your cheek? Mr. Sex God. Whoa. That’s unexpected. Ok, so you’re a tearful mess and he’s being kind. Then what?”
I heard the shouting in my brain and drank down the rest of the whisky in a shot. I would never tell her what he said. She already thought it weird enough that he’d been kind. Fine. Our memory. Our secret, then. “His manager came in. He had another appointment.”
“And that’s it?” Alice looked disappointed. I didn’t blame her, not really. It wasn’t the sweaty tryst his pictures made you think of.
“Yeah, I said I had a few more questions, and he could call if he wanted to finish it up. Or not. The manager was an asshole, implied he fucked all the interviewers who walked in the door.”
“Maybe he
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