Read Online A Teenager's Journey by Richard B. Pelzer - Free Book Online

the kids at school, and far away from my past. I thought it would be a chance to start over. I was running away from everybody and everything.
    I had been able to play the role of the shy one, the awkward, stumbling teenager, for so long that I became a master at it and used it whenever I felt my past coming to the surface.
    I had been so successful at masking what was lurking underneath the surface that I was able to keep the secret of my childhood
and
my current lifestyle from the Nichols family and from my new friends. I simply allowed them their ignorance of my horrific past. I had outgrown the stuttering problem that haunted me for all of my childhood, but I couldn’t overcome the shame that followed me around day to day. Simply being taller and heavier didn’t mean that everything had changed. There was a lot more that I wanted just to go away on its own besides my stuttering, but that never did.
    With all the care and concern of a true friend, Judy expressed her disappointment when I told her a little about my substance-abuse problems, but also her desire to help me. After several days of talking whenever the opportunity arose, she had voiced her conviction that I needed to understand the crucial importance of “self-worth” and the reason that I was placed on the earth. At this point I was so desperate for an answer that I would have done anything.
    Before long I was talking to a couple of young Mormon missionaries, and with the help of the Prince and Nichols families, we scheduled discussions at one or the other of the families’ houses. I began to understand that I wasn’t alone in my struggles.
    John and Darlene were supportive of my change in attitude and began to share with me their beliefs and the reasons they seemed to hold it all together. Rob and Judy, like the Nichols family, made sure that I had a place to ask questions and that I felt comfortable in asking. I now began to be able to express gratitude, and even love, to those around me. I began to be at ease when Darlene or John hugged me—I noticed that I didn’t freeze and stop breathing every time they came near me. The occasional smile that leaked out of my face was genuine—frightening, but genuine.
    John and Darlene gave me the confidence to speak, the comfort to express my thoughts and not be ashamed of being alive. They never once put me down or reminded me of how pitiful I looked, how bad I smelled, or how stupid I was. With the support and emotional respect they showed me, I was able to slightly loosen that stranglehold I kept on my emotions and feelings.
    I had hidden all my feelings so deep and for so long that it was incredible to rediscover them.
    Judy had warned me of the challenge it would be to maintain my newfound feeling of security and happiness with myself when I was at home. Constantly, she would remind me that whatever happened between Mom and me, I must bring to mind the answers to my questions about self-worth and self-pride so as to overcome the bombardment of emotional abuse Mom powered out.
    Once Mom discovered that I was having discussions with Mormon missionaries, she began to degrade and bad-mouth the Mormon Church as often as she could. Within a few weeks I had learned that she had been raised Mormon and knew all about it. I was surprised to discover that she had full knowledge of the answers that I had sought for so long. She had simply let them evaporate out of her life. I couldn’t understand why and yet I did understand: She was ashamed, like me, of the lifestyle she now lived—the lifestyle I now lived. The self-destruction, the lies, the disconnection from reality. Mom was a mad alcoholic; I was an angry teen on drugs. There really was little difference between us.
    Once Mom heard that I was serious about the possibility of joining the Church, she confided in me and showed me the years and years of genealogy that she had completed. I was dumbfounded to make the connection and understand that what she had told