really bothers me. Why do I care what Ryan thinks of my home? This is me, poor, but not helpless. Besides, this isn’t a date. So in the end it doesn’t really matter.
Maybe if I keep telling myself that I’ll eventually make the queasy knot in my gut go away.
“Mija,” my mother tracks my movements with her eyes, “you’re making me dizzy. Sit.” She points her fingers at the couch.
Ade’s drinking milk tea and munching on a torta at the table, a small smile curves her lips.
Tossing my hands to the side, I plop down on the couch. It’s ten minutes till he’s supposed to get here.
Javier’s sitting next to Mama’s wheelchair flipping slowly through another one of his books. Today was a good day for him. He hadn’t had a rage, actually they’re coming less and less. So long as he has his comics handy, he’s behaving. Even the school had noticed, they’d sent me a report yesterday. The first good one I’d gotten from him in a while.
I shouldn’t, but it gives me hope that maybe things are finally starting to look up.
Mama’s hand returns to her armrest, her fingers resting casually beside Javi’s face. She isn’t touching him, but it’s as close as he’ll ever allow.
My heart clenches.
“Maybe this is a bad idea,” I say.
“Mija, no…” my mother shakes her head. “Why would you say that?”
Adelida stands, dusting crumbs off her green day dress, before waddling slowly over to me. “You cannot protect him from the world, Lili. Javi is getting much better every day.”
But it isn’t just Javi that’s bothering me. Yes, bringing a man into the picture is definitely something that weighs heavy on me, friend or not, but I’m not sure I even know how to be a guy’s friend anymore.
I’d spent the last seven years keeping all of them at a distance. Even Alex, who I like a lot.
“Yeah, but, I don’t know how to do this. How to be friends with a man.”
Ade and mama exchange glances. Mama’s creased with a frown, Ade’s with worried patience. Grabbing my hand and pulling it to her lap, Ade pats it.
“You yourself said this is not a date, correct?”
I nibble on the corner of my thumb nail. “Yeah.”
“Well then?” She shrugs large shoulders. “Why turn this into something it’s not? Go out, enjoy yourself, you know Javi will have a good time and just don’t think too hard.”
“Yes, mami.” My mother’s brown eyes are so large and full of warmth and tears burn my throat. “Not all men are your father.”
She’d always had an uncanny way of stripping away pretense and getting right to the root of a matter.
I can’t look her in the eye; I’ve never told her the truth about Ryan. I’d come home that night and promised to keep it all to myself. It’d been easy to sneak into the house, change out of my soiled clothes and throw it away. She’d known I’d visited the hospital, but I hadn’t told her why or for whom. As if a part of me felt that moment belonged to him and I alone.
What would she think if she knew I was going out with a man who’d slit his wrists and nearly died three months ago? They wouldn’t be telling me to calm down, that’s for sure; they’d be urging me to run as fast and far away as possible.
A part of me already knows that. That I should run, that I shouldn’t pass go and shouldn’t collect two hundred. This isn’t my most brilliant idea, something about Ryan nags at me, tells me going down this road will lead only to heartache in the end. That he’s one thing in my life I shouldn’t try to save.
All my life I’ve been fascinated by the weak and helpless. Twice, I’d found chicks on the ground in front of me, ugly little things. Naked, red, hardly any feathers and peeping for food, I’d tried to nurse them back to health. Both times, I’d failed, and it’d torn my heart in two.
Because of that I’m training to become a
Maybe if I keep telling myself that I’ll eventually make the queasy knot in my gut go away.
“Mija,” my mother tracks my movements with her eyes, “you’re making me dizzy. Sit.” She points her fingers at the couch.
Ade’s drinking milk tea and munching on a torta at the table, a small smile curves her lips.
Tossing my hands to the side, I plop down on the couch. It’s ten minutes till he’s supposed to get here.
Javier’s sitting next to Mama’s wheelchair flipping slowly through another one of his books. Today was a good day for him. He hadn’t had a rage, actually they’re coming less and less. So long as he has his comics handy, he’s behaving. Even the school had noticed, they’d sent me a report yesterday. The first good one I’d gotten from him in a while.
I shouldn’t, but it gives me hope that maybe things are finally starting to look up.
Mama’s hand returns to her armrest, her fingers resting casually beside Javi’s face. She isn’t touching him, but it’s as close as he’ll ever allow.
My heart clenches.
“Maybe this is a bad idea,” I say.
“Mija, no…” my mother shakes her head. “Why would you say that?”
Adelida stands, dusting crumbs off her green day dress, before waddling slowly over to me. “You cannot protect him from the world, Lili. Javi is getting much better every day.”
But it isn’t just Javi that’s bothering me. Yes, bringing a man into the picture is definitely something that weighs heavy on me, friend or not, but I’m not sure I even know how to be a guy’s friend anymore.
I’d spent the last seven years keeping all of them at a distance. Even Alex, who I like a lot.
“Yeah, but, I don’t know how to do this. How to be friends with a man.”
Ade and mama exchange glances. Mama’s creased with a frown, Ade’s with worried patience. Grabbing my hand and pulling it to her lap, Ade pats it.
“You yourself said this is not a date, correct?”
I nibble on the corner of my thumb nail. “Yeah.”
“Well then?” She shrugs large shoulders. “Why turn this into something it’s not? Go out, enjoy yourself, you know Javi will have a good time and just don’t think too hard.”
“Yes, mami.” My mother’s brown eyes are so large and full of warmth and tears burn my throat. “Not all men are your father.”
She’d always had an uncanny way of stripping away pretense and getting right to the root of a matter.
I can’t look her in the eye; I’ve never told her the truth about Ryan. I’d come home that night and promised to keep it all to myself. It’d been easy to sneak into the house, change out of my soiled clothes and throw it away. She’d known I’d visited the hospital, but I hadn’t told her why or for whom. As if a part of me felt that moment belonged to him and I alone.
What would she think if she knew I was going out with a man who’d slit his wrists and nearly died three months ago? They wouldn’t be telling me to calm down, that’s for sure; they’d be urging me to run as fast and far away as possible.
A part of me already knows that. That I should run, that I shouldn’t pass go and shouldn’t collect two hundred. This isn’t my most brilliant idea, something about Ryan nags at me, tells me going down this road will lead only to heartache in the end. That he’s one thing in my life I shouldn’t try to save.
All my life I’ve been fascinated by the weak and helpless. Twice, I’d found chicks on the ground in front of me, ugly little things. Naked, red, hardly any feathers and peeping for food, I’d tried to nurse them back to health. Both times, I’d failed, and it’d torn my heart in two.
Because of that I’m training to become a
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