Read Online A Lighter Shade of Blue (Kings of Chaos Book 2) by Shyla Colt - Free Book Online
Authors: Shyla Colt
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have to be happy. Trust me, life is fleeting at best and tomorrow isn’t promised.” I picture the faces of those who’d gone before me and close my eyes tight. Too much loss does funny things to a person.
“You’re right. I just…have you ever looked at your life and realized it’s not where you wanted to be by now?”
I laugh as bitterness wells up inside me. “Are you kidding me? Every damn day! I just hurt someone I care about badly, because I couldn’t stop lying to myself. Jamie might’ve been what I swore I wanted. But he wasn’t what I needed. ”
“Did he do something you didn’t like?”
I laugh. “No, he just wasn’t…” I can’t bring myself to say the words out loud.
“Who you wanted?” Ruth finishes my sentence.
I bow my head. “I have to shake this sickness. It’s fucked up, and it’s going to ruin my life if I let it.”
“Why?” Ruthie asks.
“The man that I want—”
“Is a free agent,” she interjects. “You have to get this out of your system or you’ll never be able to move on, because you’re always going to wonder what if. It’s easy to place him on a pedestal when it’s all been in your head.”
“I don’t. It’s not like that. I’m not pining for him,” I splutter.
“Aren’t you? I think you owe it to the both of you. I’ve seen you two around one another. Shadow is into you,” Ruth says.
“I don’t think so.”
“Prove me wrong,” she challenges.
“It’s not that easy, and you know it.”
“Soon, you won’t be able to say that. The two of you will be living under the same roof.”
“For Bolt. I mean, what would that look like? Your dad gets home from jail, your mom goes in, and your aunt starts dating your dad?”
“What? He would be ecstatic. His two real parents together.”
“Ruthie,” I whine.
“What? I remember how many times you didn’t go out in college because Bolton needed you and Shadow was off doing whatever he does for the club.”
I smirk. She caught on real quick to the whole not asking questions thing. I loved her for it. No matter what happened with the club, she never saw me differently or isolated me. There’d been many friends before her who couldn’t handle it. I reach out and grab her hand, giving it a squeeze. “Thank you.”
“For what, being painfully honest?” Ruthie asks.
“No, ass, for sticking by me.”
“You should know by now I’m not going anywhere, babe. You’re stuck with my crazy ass now.” She wraps her arm around me.
I allow myself to soak up her support and affection. This was exactly what I needed, some tough love and a chance to vent. Time was ticking by fast, and my anxiety was off the charts.
“You ready for tomorrow?” Ruthie asks.
“No. I know the judge is going to throw the book at her, and when her last bit of hope is snatched away, she’s going to go down in a blaze of insanity. You’ve seen her melt down before. It’s not a pretty sight.”
“Shit, is Bolt going to be there?”
“I think he wants to be. I’m torn between protecting him, and overstepping my boundaries. He’s seen so much already, I don’t think I have the right to keep him from going.”
“Did he say why he wants to go?” she asks.
“No. I think in his own way, he wants to lend support and accept his new reality. Right now, we’re in limbo. This will put an end to all that. I think we both need the closure.”
“Promise me one thing, Blue.”
“What?” I ask cautiously.
“You’ll allow yourself to truly be happy. Whatever that means, whoever it hurts. Because you deserve that.”
I know what she’s saying. I look down at my hands. “If it comes to it, I will.” It’s more than a vow to a friend, it’s an agreement with myself. Shadow may have pressed my buttons during our visit, but he was right. We’re not getting any younger, and I’m sick of playing the role of doormat.
“Oh, it will, baby girl. Trust me. I got one of my feelings .” Ruthie nods her
“You’re right. I just…have you ever looked at your life and realized it’s not where you wanted to be by now?”
I laugh as bitterness wells up inside me. “Are you kidding me? Every damn day! I just hurt someone I care about badly, because I couldn’t stop lying to myself. Jamie might’ve been what I swore I wanted. But he wasn’t what I needed. ”
“Did he do something you didn’t like?”
I laugh. “No, he just wasn’t…” I can’t bring myself to say the words out loud.
“Who you wanted?” Ruth finishes my sentence.
I bow my head. “I have to shake this sickness. It’s fucked up, and it’s going to ruin my life if I let it.”
“Why?” Ruthie asks.
“The man that I want—”
“Is a free agent,” she interjects. “You have to get this out of your system or you’ll never be able to move on, because you’re always going to wonder what if. It’s easy to place him on a pedestal when it’s all been in your head.”
“I don’t. It’s not like that. I’m not pining for him,” I splutter.
“Aren’t you? I think you owe it to the both of you. I’ve seen you two around one another. Shadow is into you,” Ruth says.
“I don’t think so.”
“Prove me wrong,” she challenges.
“It’s not that easy, and you know it.”
“Soon, you won’t be able to say that. The two of you will be living under the same roof.”
“For Bolt. I mean, what would that look like? Your dad gets home from jail, your mom goes in, and your aunt starts dating your dad?”
“What? He would be ecstatic. His two real parents together.”
“Ruthie,” I whine.
“What? I remember how many times you didn’t go out in college because Bolton needed you and Shadow was off doing whatever he does for the club.”
I smirk. She caught on real quick to the whole not asking questions thing. I loved her for it. No matter what happened with the club, she never saw me differently or isolated me. There’d been many friends before her who couldn’t handle it. I reach out and grab her hand, giving it a squeeze. “Thank you.”
“For what, being painfully honest?” Ruthie asks.
“No, ass, for sticking by me.”
“You should know by now I’m not going anywhere, babe. You’re stuck with my crazy ass now.” She wraps her arm around me.
I allow myself to soak up her support and affection. This was exactly what I needed, some tough love and a chance to vent. Time was ticking by fast, and my anxiety was off the charts.
“You ready for tomorrow?” Ruthie asks.
“No. I know the judge is going to throw the book at her, and when her last bit of hope is snatched away, she’s going to go down in a blaze of insanity. You’ve seen her melt down before. It’s not a pretty sight.”
“Shit, is Bolt going to be there?”
“I think he wants to be. I’m torn between protecting him, and overstepping my boundaries. He’s seen so much already, I don’t think I have the right to keep him from going.”
“Did he say why he wants to go?” she asks.
“No. I think in his own way, he wants to lend support and accept his new reality. Right now, we’re in limbo. This will put an end to all that. I think we both need the closure.”
“Promise me one thing, Blue.”
“What?” I ask cautiously.
“You’ll allow yourself to truly be happy. Whatever that means, whoever it hurts. Because you deserve that.”
I know what she’s saying. I look down at my hands. “If it comes to it, I will.” It’s more than a vow to a friend, it’s an agreement with myself. Shadow may have pressed my buttons during our visit, but he was right. We’re not getting any younger, and I’m sick of playing the role of doormat.
“Oh, it will, baby girl. Trust me. I got one of my feelings .” Ruthie nods her
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