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Book: A Fashionably Dead Christmas: Hot Damned Series, Book 5 by Robyn Peterman
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Authors: Robyn Peterman
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arrival made me want to dive bomb The Kev myself.
He was pretty fucking perfect… flaws and all.
“I’d just like to point out that Santa is simply Satan misspelled,” the Devil announced with grandeur as he sauntered across the charred room and tried to steal Samuel’s attention back from Jolly Old Saint The Kev. “So if any of you bastards thought I wasn’t part of Christmas, you are sadly mistaken. My fingers are in everything.”
“Including his ass,” I mumbled as I watched my son graciously include Beelzebub in his hug-fest.
“Is he serious?” Gemma asked, bewildered as she unsuccessfully tried to hide her laughter.
“Yes. Yes, he is,” I confirmed with an exaggerated eye roll.
There was no way in Hell Samuel would forget this Christmas, no matter how much I wanted him to.
“May I have everyone’s attention please,” Mother Nature called out.
Everyone quieted immediately. No one fucked with or disobeyed Mother Nature.
“I have a surprise,” she said as Grandpa grinned at her like a besotted old fool.
“Oh Hell to the no,” Ethan groaned as he joined me and Gemma.
“Not sure I can take any more surprises, Gigi,” I said with a shudder.
“You shall love this one, my dear granddaughter,” she promised. “To the kitchen everyone!”
***
The kitchen was immaculate as it was rarely used. Vampyres didn’t eat. Food was the thing I probably missed the most about being human.
Gemma had a special magic that she shared with me. Whatever she ate I could taste in her blood if I drank from her. It was wonderful, but it wasn’t the same as chowing down on a huge bowl of black raspberry ice cream or a loaded pizza.
“I have cooked up a feast for you,” Mother Nature told the now terrified crowd.
I swear I heard a few whimpers. If I could breathe, I would have heaved a ginormous sigh of relief. Today I was thankful that I didn’t eat. My grandmother’s cooking was unspeakably horrific. Pompei was demolished because her family hated her cake—true story.
“Thank you, Gigi,” I said, feeling sorry for my friends who would have to choke down some of the dishes my grandma had made. “That is, um… lovely of you.”
“Ahhhhhhh… ” she cooed. “But wait! I can only do this every thousand years or so due to some asinine rules, but I can make it so the Vampyres can eat!”
“What?” I gagged out, praying I’d heard her incorrectly.
Without another word, Mother Nature flung her hands around and did a few bump and grind moves that had my child giggling. She shouted in a language I vaguely understood and then all the Vamps in the room collapsed to the floor—including me.
“Um… Gigi, is this supposed to happen?” I asked.
My body felt as if it weighed a thousand pounds and I just wanted to sleep.
“Oh shit,” she muttered distractedly. “Haven’t done this one in a few thousand years. I do believe I’m supposed to roll my hips to the left instead of the right and I should do a booty shake in the place of the pelvic thrust.”
“Get on with it,” Ethan snapped as he tried in vain to pull himself up off the floor.
“No need to be rude, young man,” Gigi chastised.
She did her new and alarming dance. After she produced a few un-ladylike grunts and a poof of pink and blue glitter, we all regained the use of our bodies.
I stood and checked my baby. He was as happy as a pig in poop all wrapped up in Santa’s arms with his baboon hanging off of Santa’s neck. The Kev was enjoying himself tremendously and I was humbled.
I had very good friends.
“Now. Let’s eat,” Mother Nature shouted. “There are pies and cakes and I made my famous chili. Dig in folks.”
Even my grandpa had turned an unbecoming shade of green. The Sins had stealthily slunk out of the room. I wanted to bust them, but I wasn’t that mean. If they were able to escape
He was pretty fucking perfect… flaws and all.
“I’d just like to point out that Santa is simply Satan misspelled,” the Devil announced with grandeur as he sauntered across the charred room and tried to steal Samuel’s attention back from Jolly Old Saint The Kev. “So if any of you bastards thought I wasn’t part of Christmas, you are sadly mistaken. My fingers are in everything.”
“Including his ass,” I mumbled as I watched my son graciously include Beelzebub in his hug-fest.
“Is he serious?” Gemma asked, bewildered as she unsuccessfully tried to hide her laughter.
“Yes. Yes, he is,” I confirmed with an exaggerated eye roll.
There was no way in Hell Samuel would forget this Christmas, no matter how much I wanted him to.
“May I have everyone’s attention please,” Mother Nature called out.
Everyone quieted immediately. No one fucked with or disobeyed Mother Nature.
“I have a surprise,” she said as Grandpa grinned at her like a besotted old fool.
“Oh Hell to the no,” Ethan groaned as he joined me and Gemma.
“Not sure I can take any more surprises, Gigi,” I said with a shudder.
“You shall love this one, my dear granddaughter,” she promised. “To the kitchen everyone!”
***
The kitchen was immaculate as it was rarely used. Vampyres didn’t eat. Food was the thing I probably missed the most about being human.
Gemma had a special magic that she shared with me. Whatever she ate I could taste in her blood if I drank from her. It was wonderful, but it wasn’t the same as chowing down on a huge bowl of black raspberry ice cream or a loaded pizza.
“I have cooked up a feast for you,” Mother Nature told the now terrified crowd.
I swear I heard a few whimpers. If I could breathe, I would have heaved a ginormous sigh of relief. Today I was thankful that I didn’t eat. My grandmother’s cooking was unspeakably horrific. Pompei was demolished because her family hated her cake—true story.
“Thank you, Gigi,” I said, feeling sorry for my friends who would have to choke down some of the dishes my grandma had made. “That is, um… lovely of you.”
“Ahhhhhhh… ” she cooed. “But wait! I can only do this every thousand years or so due to some asinine rules, but I can make it so the Vampyres can eat!”
“What?” I gagged out, praying I’d heard her incorrectly.
Without another word, Mother Nature flung her hands around and did a few bump and grind moves that had my child giggling. She shouted in a language I vaguely understood and then all the Vamps in the room collapsed to the floor—including me.
“Um… Gigi, is this supposed to happen?” I asked.
My body felt as if it weighed a thousand pounds and I just wanted to sleep.
“Oh shit,” she muttered distractedly. “Haven’t done this one in a few thousand years. I do believe I’m supposed to roll my hips to the left instead of the right and I should do a booty shake in the place of the pelvic thrust.”
“Get on with it,” Ethan snapped as he tried in vain to pull himself up off the floor.
“No need to be rude, young man,” Gigi chastised.
She did her new and alarming dance. After she produced a few un-ladylike grunts and a poof of pink and blue glitter, we all regained the use of our bodies.
I stood and checked my baby. He was as happy as a pig in poop all wrapped up in Santa’s arms with his baboon hanging off of Santa’s neck. The Kev was enjoying himself tremendously and I was humbled.
I had very good friends.
“Now. Let’s eat,” Mother Nature shouted. “There are pies and cakes and I made my famous chili. Dig in folks.”
Even my grandpa had turned an unbecoming shade of green. The Sins had stealthily slunk out of the room. I wanted to bust them, but I wasn’t that mean. If they were able to escape
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