Read Online A Comedy of Heirs by Rett MacPherson - Free Book Online Page A

guess he just thought that maybe I had something worse than mono. I suppose, depending on the angle you took, being pregnant could be worse than mono. I had a cousin once who wished for a tumor when she thought she was pregnant. She was pregnant.
    â€œIt’s nothing real serious,” I said to appease his sudden uneasiness. “Well, I guess that depends.”
    â€œWhat?” he asked. We had made it to the side of the lake where my mother and the sheriff were. They waved to me and I waved back feeling like I was eight years old.
    â€œWell, see…” I began. “There was this blue stick at the doctor’s office—well, actually it was white when it began but it turned blue halfway through it—”
    â€œWhat are you talking about?” he asked and laughed. “Sometimes I think you deliberately think of the most difficult way to say something just so you have more time at talking.”
    â€œI’m pregnant.”
    At that Rudy fell face first on the ice. He yelled out in agony as I heard him go thunk. “Oh my God, Rudy,” I said. I looked down and then I saw the ice turn red. Rudy came up holding his nose, blood soaking his gloves. He gave a real low painful-sounding moan and his eyes watered.
    â€œYou’re what?” he said through the glove. “You’re pr … pr … did you say you were pregnant?”
    â€œGod, Rudy. Shut up and get over here and sit down.”
    The sheriff came walking out onto the ice and all of my family started to gather around. Rudy’s wide-eyed stare never left my face as the sheriff and I helped him walk off the ice. Every now and then his eyes would involuntarily cross. God, that must have hurt.
    He sat down on one of the bleachers and immediately put his head backward. “Oh, don’t do that,” I said. “You want to lean forward a little. Not too much, though.”
    â€œThought I was supposed to put my head back,” he said and moaned in agony again.
    â€œNo, it’s forward.”
    â€œNo, I’m pretty sure it’s back.”
    â€œFine, stubborn,” I said. “Put it back and see what happens.”
    He put his head back and left it that way for a few seconds. He abruptly gagged and put his head forward. I took his toboggan hat off his head and folded it and stuck it under his nose. There was nothing else for me to use.
    â€œThe blood ran down the back of your throat, didn’t it?” I asked.
    He just waved a hand at me. Yeah, yeah, I was the wife and I was right, no use in actually declaring it. Suddenly his head snapped back up. “Did you say—”
    â€œHush,” I said. I didn’t want the sheriff and the umpteen cousins that had gathered around to hear this way that I was pregnant.
    Sheriff Brooke had remained quiet until now. Rachel and Mary made it off the ice and were walking over to the bleachers through the grass that was slowly but surely turning white from the snow.
    â€œDid you trip on your lace?” Sheriff Brooke asked.
    Rudy just glared at him.
    â€œWe need to get you over to Wisteria General,” the sheriff added. “You could have broken it.”
    Now Rudy glared at me.
    â€œWhat?” I asked Rudy. “I didn’t do anything.”
    â€œYou could have waited until we were in front of a cozy fireplace or something,” he said through the toboggan hat. “Did you have to tell me that then? Right then and there?”
    â€œWell, you asked,” I said. “And I’ve known for a day or so and I was beginning to feel guilty keeping it from you. You asked.”
    His glare grew more intense. Just as I was about ready to fear for the longevity of my marriage, his eyes crossed again and I cracked up laughing. I stopped fairly quickly, though. He was clearly not a happy man.
    â€œIf I hadn’t told you, you would have thought the worst—”
    â€œThis is the worst!” he