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Authors: Nancy Wylde
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lives and it is natural to feel a sense of grief. A big part of us is no longer there. We have invested so much in someone else and now that is gone
It is quite healthy to grieve. In fact, I highly recommend it. But do it in a way that is productive.
Productive grieving? Who ever heard of that?
After my first marriage of 17 years broke down, my father saw that I was not coping emotionally.
He came to speak with me one day and took me to a spot on the farm we lived on. He said to me, “This is a spot I have made for you…a kind of grave if you like, a burial spot where I think you need to come to. Find things of your past that you would like to bury, things that remind you of your past with your former husband. Then dig a hole, bury them and treat it like a grave. Wear black clothing for a period of time and mourn if you must, but come here to grieve and then move on”
After he spoke, it was as if my father had offered me the key to moving on. And in a way he did.
I followed his instructions to the letter. I grieved and mourned at appropriate times, but when I walked away from that spot, I stopped grieving and mourning. I went on with what I call the business of daily living.
My life began to change little by little after that.
Tip: Find a place in your backyard you can call your ‘memorial ground,’ if you wish, or if you live in an apartment, buy a huge pot with sand in it or fill it with dirt. There you have your little burial ground. Now bury things like his toothbrush, his comb, bits of a shirt you’ve torn up or something he’s left behind; anything that reminds you of that past life will do. Visit it every day and cry if you want. I’m going to tell you that one day you will forget to visit the memorial spot and then you will know you are on your way to healing!
PUT YOUR HEALTH FIRST
Your health is your most valuable asset during this time because if your physical health goes down the drain, then nearly everything else will follow suit and by that I mean your health on a psychological and spiritual level, as well.
As you begin to spiral downwards into a bottomless abyss, you will find that it will most definitely affect every area of your life. It serves you nothing to stay in a state of perpetual grief, depression, worry and utter desperation. All it does is keep you there.
You do not do yourself or anyone else any favours by not eating, curling up in a ball and wishing to stay there until someone finds you, or until the next Prince Charming comes into your life to give you meaning.
Only you can find purpose and meaning for your life. You cannot find your identity, your joy or raison d’etre in another person. This book is NOT about how to replace the person you just lost with another one ASAP. Because to do that at this point would be nothing short of disastrous!
You will have many well-meaning friends that say the way to heal a broken heart is to find another guy. Really? You are probably in a catatonic state. A total mess right now. Good for no one or nothing, and you really think this is a great time to find another relationship? I don’t think so.
Tell your well-meaning friends that if they love you, they will help you heal.
What you need is to put things into perspective right now, this very minute before you do anything.
When I suffered my first relationship breakdown, I turned to prescribed medication, and when that didn’t work (and it didn’t), I turned to alcohol. Though it was I who ended the relationship, I still suffered through the grieving process that goes with separation. I had lost the life I knew. I was scared and felt as if the earth had opened up and swallowed me. I wasn’t sure of anything. Only 34 years young with three young children and I was so uncertain, emotionally and on almost every other level. I had no self-esteem, no self-confidence and mostly feared
It is quite healthy to grieve. In fact, I highly recommend it. But do it in a way that is productive.
Productive grieving? Who ever heard of that?
After my first marriage of 17 years broke down, my father saw that I was not coping emotionally.
He came to speak with me one day and took me to a spot on the farm we lived on. He said to me, “This is a spot I have made for you…a kind of grave if you like, a burial spot where I think you need to come to. Find things of your past that you would like to bury, things that remind you of your past with your former husband. Then dig a hole, bury them and treat it like a grave. Wear black clothing for a period of time and mourn if you must, but come here to grieve and then move on”
After he spoke, it was as if my father had offered me the key to moving on. And in a way he did.
I followed his instructions to the letter. I grieved and mourned at appropriate times, but when I walked away from that spot, I stopped grieving and mourning. I went on with what I call the business of daily living.
My life began to change little by little after that.
Tip: Find a place in your backyard you can call your ‘memorial ground,’ if you wish, or if you live in an apartment, buy a huge pot with sand in it or fill it with dirt. There you have your little burial ground. Now bury things like his toothbrush, his comb, bits of a shirt you’ve torn up or something he’s left behind; anything that reminds you of that past life will do. Visit it every day and cry if you want. I’m going to tell you that one day you will forget to visit the memorial spot and then you will know you are on your way to healing!
PUT YOUR HEALTH FIRST
Your health is your most valuable asset during this time because if your physical health goes down the drain, then nearly everything else will follow suit and by that I mean your health on a psychological and spiritual level, as well.
As you begin to spiral downwards into a bottomless abyss, you will find that it will most definitely affect every area of your life. It serves you nothing to stay in a state of perpetual grief, depression, worry and utter desperation. All it does is keep you there.
You do not do yourself or anyone else any favours by not eating, curling up in a ball and wishing to stay there until someone finds you, or until the next Prince Charming comes into your life to give you meaning.
Only you can find purpose and meaning for your life. You cannot find your identity, your joy or raison d’etre in another person. This book is NOT about how to replace the person you just lost with another one ASAP. Because to do that at this point would be nothing short of disastrous!
You will have many well-meaning friends that say the way to heal a broken heart is to find another guy. Really? You are probably in a catatonic state. A total mess right now. Good for no one or nothing, and you really think this is a great time to find another relationship? I don’t think so.
Tell your well-meaning friends that if they love you, they will help you heal.
What you need is to put things into perspective right now, this very minute before you do anything.
When I suffered my first relationship breakdown, I turned to prescribed medication, and when that didn’t work (and it didn’t), I turned to alcohol. Though it was I who ended the relationship, I still suffered through the grieving process that goes with separation. I had lost the life I knew. I was scared and felt as if the earth had opened up and swallowed me. I wasn’t sure of anything. Only 34 years young with three young children and I was so uncertain, emotionally and on almost every other level. I had no self-esteem, no self-confidence and mostly feared
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