Read Online Finding Strength by Shevawn Michelle - Free Book Online

shining today, filling the day with warmth, and I tell myself that it’s Jacob, once again surrounding me with his love. I don’t care if that isn’t the case. I don’t care if that’s not logical. It’s what I need right now and so I choose to believe it. 
    The graveside service was hard for me to bear. The signal of the end, the finality of us, of Jacob being a door that is closing for good that no amount of prying can reopen. Holding back my tears is impossible. The sobs that want to escape are clawing at me, trying to make their way out. I hold them back, barely, trying to be as strong as I can for Braxton. He doesn’t understand any of this. He doesn’t know his daddy is never coming back. Part of me is grateful for that, that Braxton can escape this pain. I am selfish enough to rather have Jacob here so that Braxton never has to doubt if his dad loved him or if he was a good man or not. He would know firsthand and not just through the stories people tell him.
    After placing the single red rose on top of the box containing the better half of me, I walk with Amy back to the waiting car, slide in and lean my head back against the headrest. Amy and Shane offered up their home for those who wanted to come by after the funeral. I’m thankful that she did so that I wouldn’t have to be reminded every day when I walk into my house of this day. I will have enough to remind me of Jacob’s absence as it is, such as the emptiness that already exist without Jacob there.
    There are so many people here and I don’t personally know even half of them. As each one comes by to give their condolences to me, I listen carefully and try to remember each story they tell. I want to remember every detail so that I can tell Braxton these stories of his dad, not just the ones I have in my memory. Focusing on the memories of others takes me away from my reality and allows me to live in another time when Jacob was still here. If there was a way for me to stay away from what I know I will have to face in the coming days, I would do it just so that I don’t have to feel the pain.
    By the time the last guest leaves, it’s past nine. Braxton is already asleep for the night. Amy took him from me after begging and pleading with me to let her lay him down. I didn’t want to let go of him, not even for a minute. I wander into the kitchen where Amy and Shane are quietly cleaning up the mess, packing away the leftover food that was brought.
    “Anna, why don’t you just stay here tonight? Braxton is already asleep and besides, it’s late and I know you have to be exhausted,” Shane says.
    “Thank you. I don’t really want to be alone tonight,” I say, my voice hoarse, certainly caused by the parchedness after my bewailing earlier.
    “Come on, I’ll get you some of my pajamas,” Amy says, walking by me toward her room.
    I mindlessly follow her, but pause before I make it through the kitchen doorway.
    “Thank you, Shane,” I tell him before I turn around to follow Amy.
    “Anytime. You know you are family, and this is what family does. You and Braxton will always be family to us,” he says. I give him a small smile then turn and walk through the door.
    I took a shower, lingering until the water turned cold. I don’t know if I washed my hair, or even my body. I dried off and put on the pajamas Amy let me borrow, then climbed into bed. Sleep evades me for the most part. I drift off into a light sleep here and there, but spend most of the night tossing and turning. Every time I closed my eyes, I either saw what my mind had conjured up of Jacob being stabbed, or I saw him laying so still, so pale, in that coffin. I didn’t want to see either image, so I stared into the dark room at the silhouettes outlined in the blackness. When my eyes could no longer win the battle to stay open, I drifted off to sleep, so tired and wore out that even my mind shut down and I could finally get a little rest.
     
    For the next few days, I stayed at