me.
I forced myself to look at him levelly, even as my heart sank. He wouldn’t make me do this. He couldn’t. And yet as I stood there, the metal of the gun warming in my hand, I knew that he was capable of this, this and so much more. His tongue darted out, small and pink beneath his oily black mustache.
“Yes,” I said.
“Good,” he said. He let go of my hand. The place where he had gripped me went cool. “Then this is a good chance for you to show me what you know.”
What I knew? My mind reeled forward all of my training. How to kill someone with a rope, a knife, a gun. I knew all of the body parts that hurt most to be shot. If you want information, you break someone’s finger or shoot them in the knee. Avoid the femoral artery, or they’ll die too quickly. If you want someone to die slow, you shoot them in the stomach. If you want them to die fast—
“ Mmmmm! ”
The kid on the ground was past scared. The front of his pants had gone dark with urine, and his chest was shuddering with silent sobs behind his gag. He was young. Jesus, so young. Twenty, twenty-two at most.
The men I was sent to assassinate were always like El Alfa. Old, fat, and evil as fuck. But this one—he was just a boy. I had to control myself, or my emotions would bubble up to the surface. The thought reverberated in my head.
Control yourself.
I examined the gun, stretching out the seconds he gave me before I had to do anything. A Glock, the black metal dull in the dim light.
My eyes flicked up to El Alfa. Could I shoot him right now? I hadn’t thought an opportunity would come up so quickly. Yet here I was, holding a gun, with my target standing right in front of me.
No. I couldn’t. There were four men standing next to us, apart from El Alfa himself. I could probably take out two of them, but they had been trained well—they were standing apart from each other so that there was no way to get them at the same time. Two more men driving the SUVs, three more in the backs of the cars. And that’s not even counting club security. This was El Alfa’s club, after all. A volley of gunfire would bring them running. And the cars were blocking the only exit from the alley—
“Well?”
I looked up at El Alfa. I’d already stalled too long. It was impossible now. His beady eyes bored into mine, daring me to refuse him. Goddammit. I had a gun in my hand, for Chrissakes. I could shoot him in the face and then what? I’d be killed, and the two girls would get whisked off to God knows where, and the raid would be shot. No. I had to do this.
“Thanks for trusting me,” I said with a smirk that hurt my face. I cocked the gun as I stepped behind the sobbing boy. I couldn’t save him. Couldn’t save him.
I lifted the gun up to aim it at the poor kid’s head. From the SUV, I heard a muffled pounding, but I didn’t lift my head to look at it. If I saw either of the girls, I wouldn’t be able to do it. For all of my rational thoughts, I couldn’t help but feel a shudder run through my spine.
Fuck you, Ten , I thought. Fuck you for sitting in your office and giving orders that you would never have to carry out yourself. Fuck you for all of this.
Control. Take control.
The barrel of the gun pressed against the base of his skull. I would make it quick.
He’s just a boy.
I shoved down the feeling that threatened to sting the backs of my eyes. I shut it down and locked it away. There was only the gun and the kid, and the darkness swirling up inside me.
It always came when I killed, this dark feeling. It took me over, like a deep instinct I never had to be taught. Lots of people know how to kill, but when the time comes, they freeze. I’d spent my whole life training myself not to freeze. Now, as the darkness swept through my body, my arm, my fingers, I let it come and drive away the empty terror I felt at killing an innocent.
My body relaxed. I didn’t shake. This bullet needed to be perfect if I wanted to kill him
I forced myself to look at him levelly, even as my heart sank. He wouldn’t make me do this. He couldn’t. And yet as I stood there, the metal of the gun warming in my hand, I knew that he was capable of this, this and so much more. His tongue darted out, small and pink beneath his oily black mustache.
“Yes,” I said.
“Good,” he said. He let go of my hand. The place where he had gripped me went cool. “Then this is a good chance for you to show me what you know.”
What I knew? My mind reeled forward all of my training. How to kill someone with a rope, a knife, a gun. I knew all of the body parts that hurt most to be shot. If you want information, you break someone’s finger or shoot them in the knee. Avoid the femoral artery, or they’ll die too quickly. If you want someone to die slow, you shoot them in the stomach. If you want them to die fast—
“ Mmmmm! ”
The kid on the ground was past scared. The front of his pants had gone dark with urine, and his chest was shuddering with silent sobs behind his gag. He was young. Jesus, so young. Twenty, twenty-two at most.
The men I was sent to assassinate were always like El Alfa. Old, fat, and evil as fuck. But this one—he was just a boy. I had to control myself, or my emotions would bubble up to the surface. The thought reverberated in my head.
Control yourself.
I examined the gun, stretching out the seconds he gave me before I had to do anything. A Glock, the black metal dull in the dim light.
My eyes flicked up to El Alfa. Could I shoot him right now? I hadn’t thought an opportunity would come up so quickly. Yet here I was, holding a gun, with my target standing right in front of me.
No. I couldn’t. There were four men standing next to us, apart from El Alfa himself. I could probably take out two of them, but they had been trained well—they were standing apart from each other so that there was no way to get them at the same time. Two more men driving the SUVs, three more in the backs of the cars. And that’s not even counting club security. This was El Alfa’s club, after all. A volley of gunfire would bring them running. And the cars were blocking the only exit from the alley—
“Well?”
I looked up at El Alfa. I’d already stalled too long. It was impossible now. His beady eyes bored into mine, daring me to refuse him. Goddammit. I had a gun in my hand, for Chrissakes. I could shoot him in the face and then what? I’d be killed, and the two girls would get whisked off to God knows where, and the raid would be shot. No. I had to do this.
“Thanks for trusting me,” I said with a smirk that hurt my face. I cocked the gun as I stepped behind the sobbing boy. I couldn’t save him. Couldn’t save him.
I lifted the gun up to aim it at the poor kid’s head. From the SUV, I heard a muffled pounding, but I didn’t lift my head to look at it. If I saw either of the girls, I wouldn’t be able to do it. For all of my rational thoughts, I couldn’t help but feel a shudder run through my spine.
Fuck you, Ten , I thought. Fuck you for sitting in your office and giving orders that you would never have to carry out yourself. Fuck you for all of this.
Control. Take control.
The barrel of the gun pressed against the base of his skull. I would make it quick.
He’s just a boy.
I shoved down the feeling that threatened to sting the backs of my eyes. I shut it down and locked it away. There was only the gun and the kid, and the darkness swirling up inside me.
It always came when I killed, this dark feeling. It took me over, like a deep instinct I never had to be taught. Lots of people know how to kill, but when the time comes, they freeze. I’d spent my whole life training myself not to freeze. Now, as the darkness swept through my body, my arm, my fingers, I let it come and drive away the empty terror I felt at killing an innocent.
My body relaxed. I didn’t shake. This bullet needed to be perfect if I wanted to kill him
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