Read Online You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother by Danu Morrigan - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Danu Morrigan
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that there is no obligation to do that.
And on a related note, it’s also possible to change your mind. To say, ‘Remember I said I’d do that? Well I’m so sorry, but I’ve realised I can’t after all. Sorry.’
It’s better to say no before committing to something, as you don’t want to let people down. But if you felt manipulated or pressured, or you simply realised it’s too much for you to do, you can always change your mind.
We can tend to end up in bad relationships.
Many DONMs end up with narcissistic partners, and friends. Again, this makes sense when you think about it. It’s what we know. It’s what we expect from relationships. And the narcissists are drawn to us because they know we’ll put up with them.
Another reason why we end up with narcissists (and sometimes other abusers) is because, as already said, our narcissistic mothers tend to be very unhappy if we’re involved with good people. They don’t want us to be supported, encouraged, minded, cared for and so on. They want us isolated, weak and powerless. So there are many, many situations in which the narcissistic mothers managed to break up perfectly healthy relationships. But they encourage the toxic ones.
The good news is that once you’re aware of this, you can do something about it. The bad news is, it can involve a lot of change. More on this later.
We can have difficulty trusting others.
Not surprisingly, DONMs can have difficulty trusting others, especially other women. And often that lack of trust is justified as the tendency, mentioned above, can be to get into relationships with friends and others who are narcissistic or equally toxic.
We can have difficulty showing emotion.
We learned very early that it was not permitted to express emotions. Our ‘bad’ emotions such as anger or hurt – especially if she was the one causing the anger or hurt – were not allowed. Even if the problem lay elsewhere – a skinned knee, a disappearing boyfriend – she most likely didn’t want us annoying her with that. The only way it would be permitted would be if she was feeding off the drama of it, and in that case we didn’t feel comfortable expressing those emotions as we knew somehow the response was wrong.
In many cases, too, the narcissistic mothers did not permit us to express happy emotions. Maybe she was threatened by happiness, maybe she resented us getting good feelings from elsewhere through them, who knows … But many DONMs report that if they were expressing joy or happiness their narcissistic mother would make it her business to wipe that smile off their face one way or another.
We can tend to have addictions.
Many DONMs suffer with addictions. And again, this is a logical and appropriate response to the twisted and unbearable conditions in which we find ourselves, and especially to suppressing all our emotions.
And so, DONMs turn to addictions to help with those repressed feelings. And you know, addictions get a bad press, but they do serve a very good and useful purpose. They make the unbearable bearable. They’re a sensible solution to a dreadful situation. Every problem was once a solution, and this totally applies to addictions.
The problem with addictions is that they extract such a high price. And so they are not a long-term solution. We need to find better ways to deal with all those emotions, and luckily there is a solution which I share later.
We are prone to self-injury and self-neglect.
DONMs not surprisingly can be prone to both proactive self-harm, and self-neglect.
The self-harm is a way of feeling real, of helping the constant pain of being a DONM. It’s a way of releasing the pressure of the pain.
As for self-neglect, many of us, especially those with Ignoring Mothers, never learned to look after ourselves. We did learn, however, that we were not worth looking after. And so it can be hard to look after ourselves in adult life. I know that I struggled with this. I did do the necessary, of
And on a related note, it’s also possible to change your mind. To say, ‘Remember I said I’d do that? Well I’m so sorry, but I’ve realised I can’t after all. Sorry.’
It’s better to say no before committing to something, as you don’t want to let people down. But if you felt manipulated or pressured, or you simply realised it’s too much for you to do, you can always change your mind.
We can tend to end up in bad relationships.
Many DONMs end up with narcissistic partners, and friends. Again, this makes sense when you think about it. It’s what we know. It’s what we expect from relationships. And the narcissists are drawn to us because they know we’ll put up with them.
Another reason why we end up with narcissists (and sometimes other abusers) is because, as already said, our narcissistic mothers tend to be very unhappy if we’re involved with good people. They don’t want us to be supported, encouraged, minded, cared for and so on. They want us isolated, weak and powerless. So there are many, many situations in which the narcissistic mothers managed to break up perfectly healthy relationships. But they encourage the toxic ones.
The good news is that once you’re aware of this, you can do something about it. The bad news is, it can involve a lot of change. More on this later.
We can have difficulty trusting others.
Not surprisingly, DONMs can have difficulty trusting others, especially other women. And often that lack of trust is justified as the tendency, mentioned above, can be to get into relationships with friends and others who are narcissistic or equally toxic.
We can have difficulty showing emotion.
We learned very early that it was not permitted to express emotions. Our ‘bad’ emotions such as anger or hurt – especially if she was the one causing the anger or hurt – were not allowed. Even if the problem lay elsewhere – a skinned knee, a disappearing boyfriend – she most likely didn’t want us annoying her with that. The only way it would be permitted would be if she was feeding off the drama of it, and in that case we didn’t feel comfortable expressing those emotions as we knew somehow the response was wrong.
In many cases, too, the narcissistic mothers did not permit us to express happy emotions. Maybe she was threatened by happiness, maybe she resented us getting good feelings from elsewhere through them, who knows … But many DONMs report that if they were expressing joy or happiness their narcissistic mother would make it her business to wipe that smile off their face one way or another.
We can tend to have addictions.
Many DONMs suffer with addictions. And again, this is a logical and appropriate response to the twisted and unbearable conditions in which we find ourselves, and especially to suppressing all our emotions.
And so, DONMs turn to addictions to help with those repressed feelings. And you know, addictions get a bad press, but they do serve a very good and useful purpose. They make the unbearable bearable. They’re a sensible solution to a dreadful situation. Every problem was once a solution, and this totally applies to addictions.
The problem with addictions is that they extract such a high price. And so they are not a long-term solution. We need to find better ways to deal with all those emotions, and luckily there is a solution which I share later.
We are prone to self-injury and self-neglect.
DONMs not surprisingly can be prone to both proactive self-harm, and self-neglect.
The self-harm is a way of feeling real, of helping the constant pain of being a DONM. It’s a way of releasing the pressure of the pain.
As for self-neglect, many of us, especially those with Ignoring Mothers, never learned to look after ourselves. We did learn, however, that we were not worth looking after. And so it can be hard to look after ourselves in adult life. I know that I struggled with this. I did do the necessary, of
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