Read Online You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother by Danu Morrigan - Free Book Online Page A

Services for abuse of their (i.e. the daughters’) children, just out of spite, for example. But even then, the falseness of the reports were soon exposed and the narcissist’s power was gone.
    So, be realistic about what she can do. If there is anything, prepare for it as best as you can. But also don’t think she can do more than she can.
We usually have self-esteem issues.
    Most, if not all, daughters of narcissistic mothers have very low self-esteem. Again, it’s not surprising. When you’re taught from birth that you don’t matter in any way, that your wants and even needs are irrelevant, then of course you’ll struggle to value yourself.
    Add to that other ways in which you were not valued. If your mother didn’t look after your physical well-being or hygiene, what does that tell you about your value? If she never listened to you, what do you learn from that?
    If she engulfed you, at some level you learned you didn’t even exist as a real separate person.
    In a million ways, a million times, you were told and taught and shown that you did not matter and had no value. And you believed it. And you brought that feeling into your adult life.
We have difficulty knowing who we are.
    If you grew up with your narcissistic mother telling you who you were, creating you in her image, it can be very hard to know who you really are. You might struggle knowing even basic things about yourself such as your tastes in food, clothing, colours.
    Shelly came up with this idea: ‘ One thing that I've had some fun with is an "All About Me!" book. It's just what it sounds like and it feels kind of silly to have, but I've found that it actually has been helping me get to know myself. I write down foods I love or "rules" like: It's always okay to buy extra hand soap. (For some reason, I struggle with buying hand soap of all things--it feels like a "luxury" item to have separate soap at the bathroom sink... weird, I know.) I add notes as I learn things about myself like that I need to drink extra water when I'm out in the car all day or I'll get a massive headache the next day. Just really basic observations, I suppose, but they're things I didn't really notice about myself. And noticing seems to be helping and leading me to notice other things.’
We can lack confidence.
    Not all DONMs have this issue. I confess that I was always blessed with an abundance of confidence myself; I have no idea why. But many DONMs struggle with this. They struggle in social situations, in work and so on. I think it has to do with always being judged, and being scared of being judged.
We can have difficulty being assertive.
    This is allied to the lack of confidence, and is a huge issue for DONMs. And again it makes sense – if we tried to be assertive with our mothers we were subjected to lies, gaslighting, verbal (and even physical) abuse and shaming. And this translates into our adult lives too. We also have a massive fear of confrontation for the same reasons. And this leads us to put up with treatment that we should not put up with.
    One way this can manifest is in difficulty in saying no to requests. Most likely, you were never allowed to say no as a child. And so it can be very difficult to do so as an adult. Again, this takes practice. As an interim step, maybe practise saying, ‘Let me have a think about that and get back to you.’ No-one genuine will have a problem with that, and it’ll give you time to consider your options. And then if you don’t want to do that, you can say simply, ‘I’ve thought about your request and I’m not in a position to do that. Sorry.’ Reasonable people will accept that.
    You don’t have to give a reason why not, and sometimes it’s good not to give a reason. Not to be rude, but simply as practice in not feeling you have to justify yourself. You don’t need others to agree or understand why you choose not to do it. Of course, in real life, with reasonable people, it’s courtesy to do so. But do be aware