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Authors: Rhys Hughes
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mysterious than the regular old planets. The dwarf worlds probably have much more fun than we do. You should be celebrating, not lamenting.”
“Have you spoken to any of your new friends yet?” asked Mars.
Pluto sighed but seemed a little less distraught. “I’ve known Ceres for a long time and we’re on fairly good terms, but as for Eris, Quaoar, Ixion, Haumea, Varuna and Sedna, I must be honest and say I find them too far out for my taste.”
“Hippies are they?” blinked Jupiter.
“No, just very distant. I was speaking literally. But actually I don’t think I’ll ever feel at ease in the Kuiper Belt fraternity. Truth is, a dwarf planet is just a glorified asteroid and everyone looks down on those irregular lumps as amateurs in the arts of gravitation, electromagnetism and spacetime curvature. Nobody says it openly but asteroids are the lowest caste. Only planets are respectable.”
“What nonsense!” cried Uranus. “The asteroids are extremely valuable components of the sun’s family. We were all just a collection of small rocks and dust once. The asteroids remind even the biggest of us where we originally came from. I bet if enough asteroids crashed into you to take your mass back up to the ‘planet’ threshold you’d stop complaining about them.”
“But that’s hardly likely to happen, is it?” sneered Earth.
The other worlds fell silent and radiated discomfort. They hated to be reminded of occasions when the community spirit of the entire system had let down a member who requested aid and Earth was a prime example of this failure. Centuries ago Earth had made an impassioned plea to the asteroids and comets to help rid it of its disease, to scour its oceans and continents free of parasites.
The asteroids and comets were capable of doing that, or at least a percentage of them were, for they weren’t all locked into isolationist orbits like the planets. For example, it would have been impossible for Venus to consciously overcome her angular momentum and approach Earth on a collision course, but many asteroids and comets were already scheduled to pass the blue and white world and only a minor diversion easily accomplished by an act of will was necessary for them to plummet through the atmosphere and impact on the surface. Plenty of them were big enough to survive the friction of the descent.
“But what did the asteroids and comets decide to do?” sighed Earth.
“They formed a kamikaze squadron and asked for volunteers to join it,” pointed out Jupiter, “and the response was overwhelming.”
“You can’t find fault with them for that,” said Uranus.
“It’s the thought that counts,” added Mars.
Earth grimaced and a tremor ran through her magnetosphere. She had gone through all this many times before and the other planets never supported her indignation at the cowardice of the asteroids and comets, and yes cowardice wasn’t too strong a word, for although the kamikaze unit had indeed been formed, its members kept losing their nerve on the final approach, veering off into deep space, sometimes even bouncing off the top of her atmosphere.
It had been calculated that one hundred large chunks of rock and ice crashing simultaneously or even in quick succession would suffice to rid Earth of her infestation forever, a figure arrived at by the comets and asteroids themselves during emergency meetings of the Kuiper Belt and Oort Cloud objects, and yet among a membership of trillions not even the lowly figure quoted above could be found willing to sacrifice their molecular integrity for the sake of the health of a noble planet.
“Steady on,” said Jupiter. “You did have a few hits!”
“Yes,” agreed Mars, “and one quite recently, if I remember rightly. Only about sixty million of your years ago, a very large asteroid smashed into you and wiped out those awful bugs, what were they called?”
“Dinosaurs,” muttered Earth.
“And you were very pleased at the time. You wore
“Have you spoken to any of your new friends yet?” asked Mars.
Pluto sighed but seemed a little less distraught. “I’ve known Ceres for a long time and we’re on fairly good terms, but as for Eris, Quaoar, Ixion, Haumea, Varuna and Sedna, I must be honest and say I find them too far out for my taste.”
“Hippies are they?” blinked Jupiter.
“No, just very distant. I was speaking literally. But actually I don’t think I’ll ever feel at ease in the Kuiper Belt fraternity. Truth is, a dwarf planet is just a glorified asteroid and everyone looks down on those irregular lumps as amateurs in the arts of gravitation, electromagnetism and spacetime curvature. Nobody says it openly but asteroids are the lowest caste. Only planets are respectable.”
“What nonsense!” cried Uranus. “The asteroids are extremely valuable components of the sun’s family. We were all just a collection of small rocks and dust once. The asteroids remind even the biggest of us where we originally came from. I bet if enough asteroids crashed into you to take your mass back up to the ‘planet’ threshold you’d stop complaining about them.”
“But that’s hardly likely to happen, is it?” sneered Earth.
The other worlds fell silent and radiated discomfort. They hated to be reminded of occasions when the community spirit of the entire system had let down a member who requested aid and Earth was a prime example of this failure. Centuries ago Earth had made an impassioned plea to the asteroids and comets to help rid it of its disease, to scour its oceans and continents free of parasites.
The asteroids and comets were capable of doing that, or at least a percentage of them were, for they weren’t all locked into isolationist orbits like the planets. For example, it would have been impossible for Venus to consciously overcome her angular momentum and approach Earth on a collision course, but many asteroids and comets were already scheduled to pass the blue and white world and only a minor diversion easily accomplished by an act of will was necessary for them to plummet through the atmosphere and impact on the surface. Plenty of them were big enough to survive the friction of the descent.
“But what did the asteroids and comets decide to do?” sighed Earth.
“They formed a kamikaze squadron and asked for volunteers to join it,” pointed out Jupiter, “and the response was overwhelming.”
“You can’t find fault with them for that,” said Uranus.
“It’s the thought that counts,” added Mars.
Earth grimaced and a tremor ran through her magnetosphere. She had gone through all this many times before and the other planets never supported her indignation at the cowardice of the asteroids and comets, and yes cowardice wasn’t too strong a word, for although the kamikaze unit had indeed been formed, its members kept losing their nerve on the final approach, veering off into deep space, sometimes even bouncing off the top of her atmosphere.
It had been calculated that one hundred large chunks of rock and ice crashing simultaneously or even in quick succession would suffice to rid Earth of her infestation forever, a figure arrived at by the comets and asteroids themselves during emergency meetings of the Kuiper Belt and Oort Cloud objects, and yet among a membership of trillions not even the lowly figure quoted above could be found willing to sacrifice their molecular integrity for the sake of the health of a noble planet.
“Steady on,” said Jupiter. “You did have a few hits!”
“Yes,” agreed Mars, “and one quite recently, if I remember rightly. Only about sixty million of your years ago, a very large asteroid smashed into you and wiped out those awful bugs, what were they called?”
“Dinosaurs,” muttered Earth.
“And you were very pleased at the time. You wore
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