Read Online Yiddish with Dick and Jane by Barbara Davilman, Ellis Weiner - Free Book Online

See Jane.
    Jane is married to Bob. Jane loves Bob very much. Bob is a real
mensch
.

    Jane and Bob have two children. Their names are Katie and Scott. They do well in school and help take care of Max and Whiskers.
    “What good kids we have,” say Jane and Bob. “
Kina-hora
.”
    Jane shows Bob and the kids the pretty purse she bought for Ellen’s birthday.
    Ellen is Jane’s best friend.
    “I wanted to get something nice for Ellen,” says Jane.
    “I did not want to get a piece of
schlock
.”

    Jane works in real estate.
    Today is Sunday.
    Jane has an Open House.
    She must
schlep
the Open House signs to the car.

    See Jane
schlep
.
    Schlep
, Jane.
Schlep
.
    Schlep, schlep, schlep.

    Bob takes Katie and Scott to visit Jane’s mother.
    Katie and Scott visit Grandmother a lot.
    She has been feeling
ibbledick
lately.
    See Stanley.
    He is Jane’s boss.
    He comes to the Open House.
    He puts fresh flowers and scented candles everywhere.
    He is a
shtikl
artistic and just has that gift.

    Jane likes Open Houses.
    She likes meeting new people. She even likes the
shnorrers
who come just to
nosh
.

    Nosh, shnorrers
,
nosh
.
Nosh, nosh, nosh
.
    Bob and Katie and Scott arrive at Grandmother’s house.
    They ring the bell and wait for
Bubbe
to open the door.
    Gornisht.

    They ring again.
    And again.
    And again.
    Takeh gornisht
.
    Bob finds the spare key under the mat.
    He opens the door.
    “Oy gevalt!”

    Jane goes to see Ellen.
    Jane gives Ellen her birthday present.
    “
Mazel tov
, Ellen!” says Jane.
    “What a beautiful purse!” says Ellen. “I cannot accept this, Jane.”
    “
Es gezunterheyt
, Ellen,” insists Jane.
    Ellen brings out coffee and Entenmann’s.
    They nibble and
kibbitz
for a while.
    Bob and Katie and Scott sit by Grandmother.
    They wait for the ambulance.
    “Father,” asks Katie, “will
Bubbe
be okay?”
    “Of course, Katie,” says Bob. “She is just a little
tsedoodelt
.”
    They hear the siren outside.

    The paramedics
tanz
themselves in.

    The paramedics examine Grandmother.
    “
Nu?
” asks Bob.
    The paramedics put Grandmother onto a stretcher.
    One paramedic looks at Bob.
    “
Nisht geferlich
,” says the paramedic.
    The paramedics carry Grandmother to the ambulance.
    They drive her to the hospital.
    Bob takes out his cell phone to call Jane.
    “When your mother hears this she will
plotz
,” says Bob.

    Bob tells Jane the news.
    “Your mother is not in pain, Jane,” says Bob.
    “But she is slightly
tsedreyt in kop
.”

    See Dick.
    Dick is Jane’s brother.
    Dick is playing golf with Tom. He borrows Tom’s sand wedge.
    Tom is Dick’s oldest
chaver
.

    Tom and Dick play golf with Frank and Steve.
    Dick wants Frank and Steve’s business.
    Dick
schmoozes
with them.

    See Dick
schmooze
.
    Schmooze
, Dick.
Schmooze
.
Schmooze, schmooze, schmooze
.
    Dick gets a call on his cell phone.
    It is Jane.

    “I am
schmoozing
on the golf course, Jane,” says Dick. “Can I call you back?”
    “No, Dick,” says Jane. “We have
tsuris
.”
    Jane tells Dick what has happened.
    “
Oy vey
, Jane,” says Dick.

    Jane also leaves a message for her sister, Sally.
    Sally teaches a course in Transgressive Feminist Ceramics. She lives in Berkeley.
    She might as well be in
Hotzeplotz
.

    Dick drives to the hospital.
    He stops for a red light.
    He sees Tom’s wife, Susan, coming out of a Courtyard by Marriott. She is wearing a dress up to her
pupik
.

    Susan is with Dick’s friend Phil. Phil puts his arm around Susan.
    “I wonder why they are at that motel,” thinks Dick.
    “They must be going to a party to celebrate some
simcha
.”
    Jane and Bob and Katie and Scott wait to hear from the doctor. They read old copies of
McCall’s
and sit on
shpilkes
.

    Old people
shmy
up and down the hallways.
    They
shmy
and talk to themselves.
    “Why do they do that, Father?” asks Katie. “Are they
meshugge
?”
    “The lady with the housecoat on her head is
meshugge
, Katie,” says Bob. “But the man