Read Online Wrong Girl by Lauren Crossley - Free Book Online Page B

that’s
what made me it an ideal fantasy. It was something unobtainable and out of
reach.
    After
Paul and I slept together, I realised what a stupid mistake I had made and promised
myself I’d go back on the pill as soon as I my next period. That day never
came. I wasn’t too worried at first, I thought my periods might have got a
little mixed up with me coming off the pill so suddenly, I never actually
believed I’d be pregnant so soon.
    I
remember sneaking into Rachel’s room to steal one of her pregnancy tests. She
always had a couple of them hidden underneath her clothes in one of her drawers
and I thought I better take one just to make sure. When it came up positive I
almost died with shock. I know I sound naive but that’s exactly what I felt
like. I was already on such a downward spiral, I hardly knew what I was doing
and I was certainly in no fit state to make such a monumental decision like the
one I had made.
    Rachel
was the first person I told and she was absolutely amazing during the whole
thing. She came with to every single appointment I had and she even stayed with
me when I broke the news to mum. She was furious with me and disgusted, she
couldn’t bring herself to look at me and all I remember her saying to me was to
get it taken care of. I couldn’t believe my own mother could be so heartless. Wasn’t
she supposed to comfort me and promise me everything was going to be ok? I knew
that I was nowhere near ready to have a baby, I was an emotional wreck and
falling apart at the seams but I still loved my unborn child. I wanted it and
if I had been healthy, there’s no doubt in my mind that I would have chosen to
continue with my pregnancy.
    The
whole thing was traumatic, I wasn’t eating and I was being sick all the time, I
felt so unwell. I started to worry about myself and the dark, desolate place inside
my head. I felt like the walls were closing in on me, threatening to suffocate
the remaining life left in me. I honestly felt like I had no choice, I truly
believed I would die if I had the baby, fear had me in a vice-like grip and
refused to relinquish its hold on me, even for a moment.
     Rachel
came with me when I had the procedure, I only had to swallow a pill but I felt
like I was walking towards my own execution. She cradled me as I sobbed, she
stayed with me whilst I was sick and would stay up with me into the early hours
of the morning when I wanted to talk. She really was incredible and that’s why
I despise myself for the inappropriate feelings I have for her fiancé. I would
never, ever do anything to hurt her, she is loved by everyone, including me and
it’s my job to be there for her just like she was for me all those years ago.
I’ve continued to observe and admire all of the accomplishments and success my
sister has achieved, she’s a phenomenal actress and deserves all of the
positivity in her life. I will always be grateful for everything she has done
for me and that’s why I’m so determined to stay far away from Zack.
    I
only told Paul about the baby after the termination. I know he had a right to
be told before I made my decision but that would have been really difficult. He
hardly even spoke to me after the one and only time we slept together, he
barely glanced in my direction and actually seemed to be ignoring me whenever
we shared a class together. He was the one who had taken my virginity and it
hurt me so much when he went on to treat me like a complete stranger. I remember
the brutal conversation we first had when I finally told him about the
pregnancy and the abortion I’d just had. It’s a conversation I will never forget
the cruelty of the words he spoke to me that day, they will always be engraved
into my memory and there’s nothing I can do to erase them. I recall every
single moment of our exchange because it turns out it was the last conversation
I would ever have with Paul.
    “I’m
so sorry.” I wept, holding my head in my hands.
    We
were at his house.