Read Online Why She Buys by Bridget Brennan - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Bridget Brennan
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for help is an efficient way to get something done, and they won’t hesitate to ask for something if you make help available to them. It’s impossible to know how many women have walked out the door or abandoned a website simply because they couldn’t find the help they needed in an easy or a timely fashion. Too much is better than too little.
GENDER DIFFERENCE #2
Women connect with each other by talking about their feelings and revealing their vulnerabilities. Men connect with each other by engaging in activities and hiding their vulnerabilities .
At the root of women’s relationships is the ritual of sharing feelings, fears, and vulnerabilities, or what’s called self-disclosure . (Men sometimes call this yakking .) This is why women talk on the phone for so long or have lunch for three hours on a Saturday afternoon. I’ve noticed that my husband starts giving me the eye after I’ve spent just twenty minutes on the phone with one of my sisters or girlfriends. In his mind, twenty minutes is about nineteen longer than necessary. When I start to feel bad that I’m not paying attention to him, I begin the slow process of hanging up. What he doesn’t realize is that, given the chance, I could easily go on for much longer. There is simply not enough time in the day to chat with our girlfriends about all the subjects that need to be covered.
So what do women talk about? Everything. There is no subject too small, no observation too minute. But mainly we talk about how we feel about things. Conversations about emotions are the stuff that binds women together throughout their entire lives. Women actively seek out the counsel of friends and family members for help with their problems and as a way of connecting with one another. The strange thing is that women feel powerful when they can give advice and help people with their problems—not just when they can boss them around. (For reference, see any episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show .)
Biologically, women have high levels of oxytocin, which is a “bonding” hormone that’s triggered by intimacy. Sharing secrets and connecting in an intimate way actually activates the pleasure centers in a woman’s brain. Physiologically, it feels great to bond with other women—that’s one reason the phone calls are so long! 18 Most men don’t have tolerance for the level of detail involved in women’s conversations.
Women also have a habit of getting personal fast. On a flight from Austin to Dallas I sat next to a woman who was a perfect stranger. By the time the short flight was over, I knew all about her struggle with infertility and her decision not to adopt a child from China. An extreme example of self-disclosure? Sure. Was I surprised? Not really. Women, and American women in particular, are known for talking about their feelings quite openly. And they enjoy the opportunity to connect with someone else, no matter how briefly. The woman on my flight was an extreme case, but she was clearly looking for validation from me—a stranger—that she had made the right decision about her fertility options. Somehow these conversations never happen to me when I sit next to a man, especially in business class.
From the time they are little girls, talking about feelings is the linchpin of women’s relationships. Prick up your ears at the office and listen to what you hear. If a woman is having a bad hair day or feels like she’s put on five pounds, she will tell all her female colleagues before they even have a chance to notice.
In female culture, a woman reveals a weakness knowing full well that the woman she’s talking to will make her feel better by telling her that no, her hair really looks great today, and those pants truly do look loose. Women depend on these responses and are stricken when they make these remarks in front of men who either agree with them (not the answer they are looking for) or stay silent because they don’t understand how the female conversational
GENDER DIFFERENCE #2
Women connect with each other by talking about their feelings and revealing their vulnerabilities. Men connect with each other by engaging in activities and hiding their vulnerabilities .
At the root of women’s relationships is the ritual of sharing feelings, fears, and vulnerabilities, or what’s called self-disclosure . (Men sometimes call this yakking .) This is why women talk on the phone for so long or have lunch for three hours on a Saturday afternoon. I’ve noticed that my husband starts giving me the eye after I’ve spent just twenty minutes on the phone with one of my sisters or girlfriends. In his mind, twenty minutes is about nineteen longer than necessary. When I start to feel bad that I’m not paying attention to him, I begin the slow process of hanging up. What he doesn’t realize is that, given the chance, I could easily go on for much longer. There is simply not enough time in the day to chat with our girlfriends about all the subjects that need to be covered.
So what do women talk about? Everything. There is no subject too small, no observation too minute. But mainly we talk about how we feel about things. Conversations about emotions are the stuff that binds women together throughout their entire lives. Women actively seek out the counsel of friends and family members for help with their problems and as a way of connecting with one another. The strange thing is that women feel powerful when they can give advice and help people with their problems—not just when they can boss them around. (For reference, see any episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show .)
Biologically, women have high levels of oxytocin, which is a “bonding” hormone that’s triggered by intimacy. Sharing secrets and connecting in an intimate way actually activates the pleasure centers in a woman’s brain. Physiologically, it feels great to bond with other women—that’s one reason the phone calls are so long! 18 Most men don’t have tolerance for the level of detail involved in women’s conversations.
Women also have a habit of getting personal fast. On a flight from Austin to Dallas I sat next to a woman who was a perfect stranger. By the time the short flight was over, I knew all about her struggle with infertility and her decision not to adopt a child from China. An extreme example of self-disclosure? Sure. Was I surprised? Not really. Women, and American women in particular, are known for talking about their feelings quite openly. And they enjoy the opportunity to connect with someone else, no matter how briefly. The woman on my flight was an extreme case, but she was clearly looking for validation from me—a stranger—that she had made the right decision about her fertility options. Somehow these conversations never happen to me when I sit next to a man, especially in business class.
From the time they are little girls, talking about feelings is the linchpin of women’s relationships. Prick up your ears at the office and listen to what you hear. If a woman is having a bad hair day or feels like she’s put on five pounds, she will tell all her female colleagues before they even have a chance to notice.
In female culture, a woman reveals a weakness knowing full well that the woman she’s talking to will make her feel better by telling her that no, her hair really looks great today, and those pants truly do look loose. Women depend on these responses and are stricken when they make these remarks in front of men who either agree with them (not the answer they are looking for) or stay silent because they don’t understand how the female conversational
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