Read Online Why I Love Singlehood: by Elisa Lorello, Sarah Girrell - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Elisa Lorello, Sarah Girrell
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didn’t actually say this to Norman’s face.
“Wasn’t Trent Reznor a middle-class kid from Ohio?” I go in for the kill. “If you ask me, I’d say he was a whiny little narcissist. What did he know about anger and despair other than the Cleveland Browns?”
He looks at me in disgust. “He grew up in Mercer, Pennsylvania, not Ohio.”
“You say to-MAY-to, I say to-MAH-to. Tell me he’s from the South Bronx and I’ll take it all back.”
I might as well have called Trent Reznor the Donny Osmond of techno—no, excuse me—
industrial
rock. “Listen, we gotta end this date right now. I just can’t be with someone who doesn’t, like, get it.”
To his credit, Randy—er, Trent—pays the bill, but leaves the diner without, like, even saying good-bye to me.
And so, readers, I’ve decided to compile a list of other deal breakers for future potential dates, and I invite you to please share your own…or ones you possess.
Uses one of those shampoo-conditioner-body-wash all-in-one products.
Doesn’t get the appeal of
Weekend at Bernie’s
.
Secretly watches
The Bachelorette
and wonders if he has a chance.
Double-parks his car so no one messes with it.
Prefers microwavable brownie mix to scratch.
Calls tortellini “noodles.”
The next day, the Originals and Regulars ranked their top ten favorite comments.
min-imalist: Yells at the TV during sports games.
Normal: doesn’t properly wrap leftovers
hot_heather: won’t kill spiders or any other bug.
PC: Expects me to kill the damn bugs for her…and then complains about gender equality and women’s lib shit.
jonesin: Flosses his teeth and leaves spots all over the mirror.
Anonymous: leaves her hair in the sink, the tub, the shower…my god, it’s *everywhere*!!!
Mysterio: Hell yea, guy. and she uses my razor on her legs.
Anonymus 2: color-blind
That last one elicited a bunch of follow-up comments.
tracingpaper: he can’t help that!
SVU: That’s cruel, dude.
min-imalist: How can you tell he’s color blind?
PC: How do you know it’s a he?
And finally, my favorite deal breaker:
jayblue: can’t stand to lose at Scrabble
To which someone replied:
Anonymous: i effing hate this game. this one and monopoly. there’s nothing fun about spending a whole freaking day *thinking* about a *game*. where’s the fun in that??
Which then provoked:
Normal: You hate Scrabble *and* Monopoly???? What kind of communist are you? Please don’t tell me your idea of a good game is Hungry Hungry Hippos. And btw, what’s your beef against capital letters? That’s *my* deal breaker.
SVU: Dude, I love Hungry Hungry Hippos. No joke!
Some people’s ideas of deal breakers rather frightened me. I had been expecting the typical toilet seat up, toothpaste cap off, toilet paper roll facing up or down, and other such bathroom hygiene issues. I also felt relieved that I was not as shallow as I thought. And yet, I couldn’t help but wonder if my expectations were too high. Shaun had his own idiosyncrasies, of course (such as having to organize the pantry according to the size and height of cans and boxes), as did I, no doubt. What made anyone bearable to live with?
I called Olivia.
“Hey, Liv, what’s your deal breaker?”
“My what?” she replied, sounding frazzled. I could hear pots and pans banging in the background.
“Your deal breaker? You know, what could David do that would send you packing?”
“Aside from cheating on me?”
“Well, I wasn’t going for anything so dramatic. You know, like leave the seat up or track mud on the carpets or something.”
I heard Tyler and Tara bickering while Olivia tried to referee. “I don’t really know, Eva. Things that seem horrifying in the beginning are rather inconsequential when you’re cleaning up your kid’s puke and taking him to the emergency room at three a.m.—WOULD YOU GIVE HER BACK HER ELEPHANT AND BE DONE WITH IT ALREADY??”
“Ugh, thanks
“Wasn’t Trent Reznor a middle-class kid from Ohio?” I go in for the kill. “If you ask me, I’d say he was a whiny little narcissist. What did he know about anger and despair other than the Cleveland Browns?”
He looks at me in disgust. “He grew up in Mercer, Pennsylvania, not Ohio.”
“You say to-MAY-to, I say to-MAH-to. Tell me he’s from the South Bronx and I’ll take it all back.”
I might as well have called Trent Reznor the Donny Osmond of techno—no, excuse me—
industrial
rock. “Listen, we gotta end this date right now. I just can’t be with someone who doesn’t, like, get it.”
To his credit, Randy—er, Trent—pays the bill, but leaves the diner without, like, even saying good-bye to me.
And so, readers, I’ve decided to compile a list of other deal breakers for future potential dates, and I invite you to please share your own…or ones you possess.
Uses one of those shampoo-conditioner-body-wash all-in-one products.
Doesn’t get the appeal of
Weekend at Bernie’s
.
Secretly watches
The Bachelorette
and wonders if he has a chance.
Double-parks his car so no one messes with it.
Prefers microwavable brownie mix to scratch.
Calls tortellini “noodles.”
The next day, the Originals and Regulars ranked their top ten favorite comments.
min-imalist: Yells at the TV during sports games.
Normal: doesn’t properly wrap leftovers
hot_heather: won’t kill spiders or any other bug.
PC: Expects me to kill the damn bugs for her…and then complains about gender equality and women’s lib shit.
jonesin: Flosses his teeth and leaves spots all over the mirror.
Anonymous: leaves her hair in the sink, the tub, the shower…my god, it’s *everywhere*!!!
Mysterio: Hell yea, guy. and she uses my razor on her legs.
Anonymus 2: color-blind
That last one elicited a bunch of follow-up comments.
tracingpaper: he can’t help that!
SVU: That’s cruel, dude.
min-imalist: How can you tell he’s color blind?
PC: How do you know it’s a he?
And finally, my favorite deal breaker:
jayblue: can’t stand to lose at Scrabble
To which someone replied:
Anonymous: i effing hate this game. this one and monopoly. there’s nothing fun about spending a whole freaking day *thinking* about a *game*. where’s the fun in that??
Which then provoked:
Normal: You hate Scrabble *and* Monopoly???? What kind of communist are you? Please don’t tell me your idea of a good game is Hungry Hungry Hippos. And btw, what’s your beef against capital letters? That’s *my* deal breaker.
SVU: Dude, I love Hungry Hungry Hippos. No joke!
Some people’s ideas of deal breakers rather frightened me. I had been expecting the typical toilet seat up, toothpaste cap off, toilet paper roll facing up or down, and other such bathroom hygiene issues. I also felt relieved that I was not as shallow as I thought. And yet, I couldn’t help but wonder if my expectations were too high. Shaun had his own idiosyncrasies, of course (such as having to organize the pantry according to the size and height of cans and boxes), as did I, no doubt. What made anyone bearable to live with?
I called Olivia.
“Hey, Liv, what’s your deal breaker?”
“My what?” she replied, sounding frazzled. I could hear pots and pans banging in the background.
“Your deal breaker? You know, what could David do that would send you packing?”
“Aside from cheating on me?”
“Well, I wasn’t going for anything so dramatic. You know, like leave the seat up or track mud on the carpets or something.”
I heard Tyler and Tara bickering while Olivia tried to referee. “I don’t really know, Eva. Things that seem horrifying in the beginning are rather inconsequential when you’re cleaning up your kid’s puke and taking him to the emergency room at three a.m.—WOULD YOU GIVE HER BACK HER ELEPHANT AND BE DONE WITH IT ALREADY??”
“Ugh, thanks
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