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Authors: Mindy Starns Clark
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tilting of the nose, that I realized we were getting close to our destination. I glanced out of the window over Tess’s head, shocked at how drastically the landscape below us had changed. Gone was the sprawling suburbia of the northeast corridor, gone were the rolling fields and red clay of the Southeast hill country. We were in the Delta now, the land vast and green and flatter than any flat I had ever seen.
For some reason, at the sight of the unusual terrain my heart felt as though it had flipped. It began to pound furiously in my chest, air whooshing from my lungs as if someone punched me in the solar plexus. The sound of my heartbeat roared in my head:
Boom! Boom! Boom!
“What is it, Mommy?”
Tess followed my shocked gaze to look out of the window herself. Right behind her, I felt sure I was having some kind of attack. All sound left my ears save for the pounding
boom boom boom
of my heart. I opened my mouth wide and gasped in another breath, refilling my suddenly aching lungs, and wondered why I had thought this trip would be no big deal, just another voyage in a lifetime of travel. I had not one single memory of here, not of the people or the houses or the land, but somehow the downward tilt of the plane and the sight of the unfamiliar topography outside caused my heart to race and my lungs to ache and my eyes to well with sudden tears.
What was wrong with me?
Squeezing my eyes shut, I swallowed hard and sucked in more air and tried to calm my pounding chest. Clearly, this wasn’t a heart attack. It was a panic attack, something I had heard of a million times but had never experienced before.
As I clutched the armrest and tried to get a breath and waited for my heart to explode, all I could think was that AJ had been right.
We weren’t even there yet, and already I was off the deep end, fragmenting into a thousand pieces.
SIX
Thus ere another noon they emerged from those shades; and before them
Lay, in the golden sun, the lakes of the Atchafalaya.
Water-lilies in myriads rocked on the slight undulations
Made by the passing oars, and, resplendent in beauty, the lotus
Lifted her golden crown above the heads of the boatmen.
“Ooo, look,” Tess cooed, oblivious to my condition, her little voice muffled against the clear portal. “The grass is all sparkly!”
Boom, boom, boom!
I counted to ten, willing my heart rate to slow down, praying they wouldn’t have to take me off of the plane either sedated or in a straightjacket.
Suck it up, Miranda!
my mind screamed.
Calm down!
Boom! Boom! Boom!
Through sheer force of will, I slowly succeeded in making myself relax, resisting the urge to gasp for air. Instead, I kept my eyes closed and just breathed, in and out, in and out, in a steady rhythm. It took nearly a minute, but finally the slamming of my heart against my chest became less all consuming, both in sound and feeling. Eventually, the urge to gasp for air dissipated as well and I continued to breathe steadily: in, out, in, out. Finally, I opened my eyes and wiped my face with the back of my hand, frustrated at the drama of it all.
Why was I reacting this way, all breathless and teary-eyed over some
place,
some stupid scenery spotted from an airplane window? Was this strange reaction just a visceral response to the idea of coming home? In theory at least, if not in memory, this region was indeed my home.
“Mommy, answer me!” Tess was saying, though thankfully her eyes were still focused in the other direction, out of the window. “Why is it sparkly? Is that diamonds?”
Twenty-seven years. That’s how long I had been gone from here. Twenty-seven years since I must have witnessed the same terrain from the sky, though flying in the opposite direction. Maybe I had a memory of it, lodged somewhere deep inside. Maybe seeing this place again had tapped into feelings that had been buried ever since. AJ had warned me, and I hadn’t listened—either that, or the warnings themselves had
For some reason, at the sight of the unusual terrain my heart felt as though it had flipped. It began to pound furiously in my chest, air whooshing from my lungs as if someone punched me in the solar plexus. The sound of my heartbeat roared in my head:
Boom! Boom! Boom!
“What is it, Mommy?”
Tess followed my shocked gaze to look out of the window herself. Right behind her, I felt sure I was having some kind of attack. All sound left my ears save for the pounding
boom boom boom
of my heart. I opened my mouth wide and gasped in another breath, refilling my suddenly aching lungs, and wondered why I had thought this trip would be no big deal, just another voyage in a lifetime of travel. I had not one single memory of here, not of the people or the houses or the land, but somehow the downward tilt of the plane and the sight of the unfamiliar topography outside caused my heart to race and my lungs to ache and my eyes to well with sudden tears.
What was wrong with me?
Squeezing my eyes shut, I swallowed hard and sucked in more air and tried to calm my pounding chest. Clearly, this wasn’t a heart attack. It was a panic attack, something I had heard of a million times but had never experienced before.
As I clutched the armrest and tried to get a breath and waited for my heart to explode, all I could think was that AJ had been right.
We weren’t even there yet, and already I was off the deep end, fragmenting into a thousand pieces.
SIX
Thus ere another noon they emerged from those shades; and before them
Lay, in the golden sun, the lakes of the Atchafalaya.
Water-lilies in myriads rocked on the slight undulations
Made by the passing oars, and, resplendent in beauty, the lotus
Lifted her golden crown above the heads of the boatmen.
“Ooo, look,” Tess cooed, oblivious to my condition, her little voice muffled against the clear portal. “The grass is all sparkly!”
Boom, boom, boom!
I counted to ten, willing my heart rate to slow down, praying they wouldn’t have to take me off of the plane either sedated or in a straightjacket.
Suck it up, Miranda!
my mind screamed.
Calm down!
Boom! Boom! Boom!
Through sheer force of will, I slowly succeeded in making myself relax, resisting the urge to gasp for air. Instead, I kept my eyes closed and just breathed, in and out, in and out, in a steady rhythm. It took nearly a minute, but finally the slamming of my heart against my chest became less all consuming, both in sound and feeling. Eventually, the urge to gasp for air dissipated as well and I continued to breathe steadily: in, out, in, out. Finally, I opened my eyes and wiped my face with the back of my hand, frustrated at the drama of it all.
Why was I reacting this way, all breathless and teary-eyed over some
place,
some stupid scenery spotted from an airplane window? Was this strange reaction just a visceral response to the idea of coming home? In theory at least, if not in memory, this region was indeed my home.
“Mommy, answer me!” Tess was saying, though thankfully her eyes were still focused in the other direction, out of the window. “Why is it sparkly? Is that diamonds?”
Twenty-seven years. That’s how long I had been gone from here. Twenty-seven years since I must have witnessed the same terrain from the sky, though flying in the opposite direction. Maybe I had a memory of it, lodged somewhere deep inside. Maybe seeing this place again had tapped into feelings that had been buried ever since. AJ had warned me, and I hadn’t listened—either that, or the warnings themselves had
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