Read Online What to Expect the Toddler Years by Heidi Murkoff - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
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horizons by interacting with other adults occasionally or on a regular basis (which will enable you to return to parenting refreshed, and to make more of the time you do spend with her).
Guilt about your child’s reaction to your leaving. A toddler’s tearful pleas can make parents—especially those experiencing their own separation anxiety—feel guilty. On a subconscious level, your child’s crying may be intended to do just that. But those tears are almost always short-lived. Once the parent walks out the door and the child faces the choice between being miserable or having fun, she’s likely to opt for fun. The tears, whether real or crocodile, may make leaving harder, but they are rarely a sign that you shouldn’t go. Even daily crying, as long as it ends once you’ve left, is nothing to worry about. If your child’s crying raises concern about your child-care situation, see page 822.
Memories of separation anxiety from one’s own childhood. Some parents recall fears about going to school or about being left behind by their parents, and assume their own children will experience similar anxieties. That’s not necessarily so. All children are different, and yours may handle separation much more easily than you did. Tagging on emotional relics from your childhood to your child’s may create a problem where one does not exist.
A history of prematurity, serious illness, or disability. Many parents are loathe to leave a child they feel needs them every moment, though in fact, occasional breaks will benefit everyone. Even when the child has fully recovered, many parents continue to coddle and overprotect; they often harbor the secret fear that their child will suddenly fall ill again.
Jealousy of a caregiver. Though all parents want the best caregiver for theirchildren, many harbor the secret fear that the caregiver will do a better job than they’ve done—and, worse still, will become the favorite person in their child’s life. If that’s your concern, relax. Although children almost invariably become attached to a caring substitute caregiver, there’s no substitute for the real thing—and even the youngest toddler knows it. Loving parents, even those who work long hours, still manage to remain first in their little ones’ hearts. For tips on handling such jealousy, see page 827.
Whatever the reason for your separation anxiety, conquering it is important not only for you but for your toddler. Anxiety is more contagious than the common cold; if you’re anxious about leaving your child, your child will be anxious about being left. What’s more, your discomfort could signal to her that forming attachments or having fun with other people (baby-sitters, nannies, teachers) is wrong or unsafe—a notion that could hamper her social development.
To make the first separations easier, you may prefer to leave your child with someone you know well and trust implicitly (a grandparent, an aunt, your best friend) before leaving her with a baby-sitter. Discussing your feelings in a parenting group may also help you adapt to separation—you’ll find that most parents initially feel uncomfortable leaving their children but that they eventually find ways to adjust.
If your anxieties are so intense that they keep you from ever leaving your toddler with another person, talk to her doctor. Some counseling may be in order.
R ESISTANCE TO THE CUP
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to wean my daughter from the bottle when she won’t take a cup.”
Sooner or later, all children learn to drink from a cup. The trick is getting them to do it sooner rather than later. The best time is early in the second half of the first year, when babies are still relatively pliable and drinking from a cup is a novelty rather than a necessity associated with weaning.
But even though that ideal time has passed, it’s not too late to get your toddler started on the cup. Whether she has always resisted the cup or has just begun to fight it
Guilt about your child’s reaction to your leaving. A toddler’s tearful pleas can make parents—especially those experiencing their own separation anxiety—feel guilty. On a subconscious level, your child’s crying may be intended to do just that. But those tears are almost always short-lived. Once the parent walks out the door and the child faces the choice between being miserable or having fun, she’s likely to opt for fun. The tears, whether real or crocodile, may make leaving harder, but they are rarely a sign that you shouldn’t go. Even daily crying, as long as it ends once you’ve left, is nothing to worry about. If your child’s crying raises concern about your child-care situation, see page 822.
Memories of separation anxiety from one’s own childhood. Some parents recall fears about going to school or about being left behind by their parents, and assume their own children will experience similar anxieties. That’s not necessarily so. All children are different, and yours may handle separation much more easily than you did. Tagging on emotional relics from your childhood to your child’s may create a problem where one does not exist.
A history of prematurity, serious illness, or disability. Many parents are loathe to leave a child they feel needs them every moment, though in fact, occasional breaks will benefit everyone. Even when the child has fully recovered, many parents continue to coddle and overprotect; they often harbor the secret fear that their child will suddenly fall ill again.
Jealousy of a caregiver. Though all parents want the best caregiver for theirchildren, many harbor the secret fear that the caregiver will do a better job than they’ve done—and, worse still, will become the favorite person in their child’s life. If that’s your concern, relax. Although children almost invariably become attached to a caring substitute caregiver, there’s no substitute for the real thing—and even the youngest toddler knows it. Loving parents, even those who work long hours, still manage to remain first in their little ones’ hearts. For tips on handling such jealousy, see page 827.
Whatever the reason for your separation anxiety, conquering it is important not only for you but for your toddler. Anxiety is more contagious than the common cold; if you’re anxious about leaving your child, your child will be anxious about being left. What’s more, your discomfort could signal to her that forming attachments or having fun with other people (baby-sitters, nannies, teachers) is wrong or unsafe—a notion that could hamper her social development.
To make the first separations easier, you may prefer to leave your child with someone you know well and trust implicitly (a grandparent, an aunt, your best friend) before leaving her with a baby-sitter. Discussing your feelings in a parenting group may also help you adapt to separation—you’ll find that most parents initially feel uncomfortable leaving their children but that they eventually find ways to adjust.
If your anxieties are so intense that they keep you from ever leaving your toddler with another person, talk to her doctor. Some counseling may be in order.
R ESISTANCE TO THE CUP
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to wean my daughter from the bottle when she won’t take a cup.”
Sooner or later, all children learn to drink from a cup. The trick is getting them to do it sooner rather than later. The best time is early in the second half of the first year, when babies are still relatively pliable and drinking from a cup is a novelty rather than a necessity associated with weaning.
But even though that ideal time has passed, it’s not too late to get your toddler started on the cup. Whether she has always resisted the cup or has just begun to fight it
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