psychiatrist.'
These files are the only means I have of trying to fill in the blank spaces in my memory and explaining the things I missed as a child, because I only saw what Helen and my Dad allowed me to see. I feel in many ways – even other than the obvious – I was made a scapegoat by Helen. By this time, she was pregnant with her third baby, so the question of me seeing a psychologist came at a difficult time when she would have known that the baby was not my father's. Focusing the attention on me may well have deflected it from her.
At the start of the files I have (from 6 January 1961), I am described as 'a happy child full of life'. At just over 18 months, when I was admitted to the care of Barnardo's, I was described as a responsive, placid child with a happy smile who got on with everyone. To give them credit, they seemed to have kept me that way. When I was 'restored' to the care of my Dad and Helen on 8 July 1964, I was five years, one month and two days old. My character at that time was described as, 'Good. An affectionate child.' Alongside some comments about my half-siblings, the report continues: 'Little Donna is especially charming . . . she has not yet started school but is a bright wee girl . . . the darling of all.' I am further described as clean, healthy, affectionate and polite.
Once I had been taken back to Edinburgh, the reports do raise a few concerns. Given that these official documents are often full of careful wording, I think that it is still relatively easy to hear the worried phrases which are there. By 8 June 1970 the social worker reports on a home visit:
I found Mrs Ford and the children all at home. One child G [Helen's eldest] was playing outside all the others were sitting in the kitchen watching television. Mrs F was resplendent in a gold blouse and yellow trousers. Donna is very small for her age and I felt there was a 'cowed' look about her or maybe she is just shy. She was 'cleaning up' another room when I arrived.
I know that, on this occasion, Helen had forgotten that the social worker was due to visit and, as usual, I had been sent to my room as soon as I returned from school. I was a very frightened, abused little girl and this report in particular is the most poignant because it was at the end of this year that the worst abuse of my life occurred. Why did this social worker not investigate her suspicions further? Other entries in this report point to further concerns such as: 'Neither of the girls [my elder half-sister and I] nor A [my elder half-brother] was dressed nicely. There is a marked difference between the Ford children and the other three.' A marked difference indeed.
Chapter Ten
'H APPY N ORMAL C HILDREN '
AS AN ADULT, READING THROUGH these files makes me so angry. Vital warning signals were not picked up on. I was a little girl who was being abused. My older siblings were also 'at risk'. But although these signs were noted, they were ultimately dismissed and overlooked.
On 5March 1965, just before they were 'restored' to the care of my Dad and Helen, my elder half-brother and half-sister were both reported as being 'happy normal children'. By December 1966, these children had also changed. The police called at my father's workplace to return the two of them as they had run away from Edina Place during the night. Of this incident the files say, 'They had slipped out of the house during the night after being punished by their father and Mrs Ford.' I recall clearly the events leading up to that incident and what happened afterwards.
Helen had given birth to another son, Andrew, in November 1966, and it was clear by then that she was unable to cope with all the responsibility she had. We were all unhappy as we were being beaten and punished on a regular basis, so, after all being hit really badly again one night, the three of us hatched a plan to run away together. I soon chickened out – being the youngest I was too scared
These files are the only means I have of trying to fill in the blank spaces in my memory and explaining the things I missed as a child, because I only saw what Helen and my Dad allowed me to see. I feel in many ways – even other than the obvious – I was made a scapegoat by Helen. By this time, she was pregnant with her third baby, so the question of me seeing a psychologist came at a difficult time when she would have known that the baby was not my father's. Focusing the attention on me may well have deflected it from her.
At the start of the files I have (from 6 January 1961), I am described as 'a happy child full of life'. At just over 18 months, when I was admitted to the care of Barnardo's, I was described as a responsive, placid child with a happy smile who got on with everyone. To give them credit, they seemed to have kept me that way. When I was 'restored' to the care of my Dad and Helen on 8 July 1964, I was five years, one month and two days old. My character at that time was described as, 'Good. An affectionate child.' Alongside some comments about my half-siblings, the report continues: 'Little Donna is especially charming . . . she has not yet started school but is a bright wee girl . . . the darling of all.' I am further described as clean, healthy, affectionate and polite.
Once I had been taken back to Edinburgh, the reports do raise a few concerns. Given that these official documents are often full of careful wording, I think that it is still relatively easy to hear the worried phrases which are there. By 8 June 1970 the social worker reports on a home visit:
I found Mrs Ford and the children all at home. One child G [Helen's eldest] was playing outside all the others were sitting in the kitchen watching television. Mrs F was resplendent in a gold blouse and yellow trousers. Donna is very small for her age and I felt there was a 'cowed' look about her or maybe she is just shy. She was 'cleaning up' another room when I arrived.
I know that, on this occasion, Helen had forgotten that the social worker was due to visit and, as usual, I had been sent to my room as soon as I returned from school. I was a very frightened, abused little girl and this report in particular is the most poignant because it was at the end of this year that the worst abuse of my life occurred. Why did this social worker not investigate her suspicions further? Other entries in this report point to further concerns such as: 'Neither of the girls [my elder half-sister and I] nor A [my elder half-brother] was dressed nicely. There is a marked difference between the Ford children and the other three.' A marked difference indeed.
Chapter Ten
'H APPY N ORMAL C HILDREN '
AS AN ADULT, READING THROUGH these files makes me so angry. Vital warning signals were not picked up on. I was a little girl who was being abused. My older siblings were also 'at risk'. But although these signs were noted, they were ultimately dismissed and overlooked.
On 5March 1965, just before they were 'restored' to the care of my Dad and Helen, my elder half-brother and half-sister were both reported as being 'happy normal children'. By December 1966, these children had also changed. The police called at my father's workplace to return the two of them as they had run away from Edina Place during the night. Of this incident the files say, 'They had slipped out of the house during the night after being punished by their father and Mrs Ford.' I recall clearly the events leading up to that incident and what happened afterwards.
Helen had given birth to another son, Andrew, in November 1966, and it was clear by then that she was unable to cope with all the responsibility she had. We were all unhappy as we were being beaten and punished on a regular basis, so, after all being hit really badly again one night, the three of us hatched a plan to run away together. I soon chickened out – being the youngest I was too scared
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