psychologist because my stepmother said she was at the end of her tether with my behaviour.
I have since questioned why Helen said there was a problem with my behaviour. She was treating me so badly, so cruelly, that it seems unbelievable that she would be the one to actually draw attention to how I was behaving. I think that, by this stage, she was so confident of two things that she simply didn't think she would be caught. Her first line of defence would have been the impression she gave everyone of being the perfect wife and mother. She was the young woman who had taken on all these kids who weren't her own or even, in the case of my two halfsiblings, her husband's. Even when she had two little ones of her own she kept everything together. The second thing was that she was fully aware of what an arch manipulator she was. She was skilled at getting people to think what she wanted, and she probably would have assumed she could talk her way out of anything. I also think she was probably covering her own back – if she could get me labelled as a problem child, then anything I might say about her wouldn't stick.
Unlike many of my other memories – where there is nothing on paper to back up that I do remember things accurately, I do know what went on – I have some social work files from this time. In them are various comments relating directly to the reasons for me going to the Children's Psychology Department in Rillbank Terrace (a child and adolescent mental health unit) in Edinburgh in the first place, and what was recorded after my visits there. In the report of 20 December 1968, the files say:
On the way to the door Mother said that Donna was really the trouble maker because she was 'stealing food at all hours'. Mrs Ford said things would be much better if Donna wasn't there.
The outcome of this was that it was recommended I see a psychologist. This strikes me as rather odd – my stepmother says that I am stealing food and I'm almost immediately sent to a psychologist? Perhaps things just worked differently in the 1960s, but I doubt that state-funded psychologists were readily on hand to provide support for one comment made about a child. Perhaps there are other files that say other things, but I wonder whether someone, somewhere, had already had their suspicions aroused about Helen, and decided to keep an eye on things by making me attend Rillbank regularly. What I do know is that I was then taken there on a weekly basis by either my Dad or Helen. In a report dated 5 August 1969, a psychiatrist from the Royal Hospital for Sick Children in Edinburgh states:
Donna is very unhappy and isolated. She suffers from a behaviour disorder which causes her to steal from school and from home.
She suggests regular psychotherapy. Whether anything was done to delve into why a 10-year-old girl was so unhappy and had feelings of isolation, I have no idea. Given what my life was like, and how it was about to continue, I guess not. Six months later, on 2 February 1970, another comment in the files says:
Miss H rang Miss B of Rillbank who agreed to visit. Said she found difficulty in making a relationship with Mrs Ford who adopted an aggressive attitude. The father is much more reasonable.
So, there were concerns. People had noticed what Helen was like, but – even after she left – no-one seemed to see the need to get to the root of it all. In a later visit of 24 April 1972, after Helen had left, the files show that I was truanting a lot and there was concern over this. The social worker, Miss J K, suggested that the school refer me to an educational psychologist. My father's reply was, 'Well, she used to see a psychiatrist, but then Mrs Ford went and stopped that.' I do not know why she stopped the visits but I do know that they stopped as quickly as they started. In one report, which has no date, my father is quoted as saying, 'Mrs Ford felt very embarrassed at having to take her to the
I have since questioned why Helen said there was a problem with my behaviour. She was treating me so badly, so cruelly, that it seems unbelievable that she would be the one to actually draw attention to how I was behaving. I think that, by this stage, she was so confident of two things that she simply didn't think she would be caught. Her first line of defence would have been the impression she gave everyone of being the perfect wife and mother. She was the young woman who had taken on all these kids who weren't her own or even, in the case of my two halfsiblings, her husband's. Even when she had two little ones of her own she kept everything together. The second thing was that she was fully aware of what an arch manipulator she was. She was skilled at getting people to think what she wanted, and she probably would have assumed she could talk her way out of anything. I also think she was probably covering her own back – if she could get me labelled as a problem child, then anything I might say about her wouldn't stick.
Unlike many of my other memories – where there is nothing on paper to back up that I do remember things accurately, I do know what went on – I have some social work files from this time. In them are various comments relating directly to the reasons for me going to the Children's Psychology Department in Rillbank Terrace (a child and adolescent mental health unit) in Edinburgh in the first place, and what was recorded after my visits there. In the report of 20 December 1968, the files say:
On the way to the door Mother said that Donna was really the trouble maker because she was 'stealing food at all hours'. Mrs Ford said things would be much better if Donna wasn't there.
The outcome of this was that it was recommended I see a psychologist. This strikes me as rather odd – my stepmother says that I am stealing food and I'm almost immediately sent to a psychologist? Perhaps things just worked differently in the 1960s, but I doubt that state-funded psychologists were readily on hand to provide support for one comment made about a child. Perhaps there are other files that say other things, but I wonder whether someone, somewhere, had already had their suspicions aroused about Helen, and decided to keep an eye on things by making me attend Rillbank regularly. What I do know is that I was then taken there on a weekly basis by either my Dad or Helen. In a report dated 5 August 1969, a psychiatrist from the Royal Hospital for Sick Children in Edinburgh states:
Donna is very unhappy and isolated. She suffers from a behaviour disorder which causes her to steal from school and from home.
She suggests regular psychotherapy. Whether anything was done to delve into why a 10-year-old girl was so unhappy and had feelings of isolation, I have no idea. Given what my life was like, and how it was about to continue, I guess not. Six months later, on 2 February 1970, another comment in the files says:
Miss H rang Miss B of Rillbank who agreed to visit. Said she found difficulty in making a relationship with Mrs Ford who adopted an aggressive attitude. The father is much more reasonable.
So, there were concerns. People had noticed what Helen was like, but – even after she left – no-one seemed to see the need to get to the root of it all. In a later visit of 24 April 1972, after Helen had left, the files show that I was truanting a lot and there was concern over this. The social worker, Miss J K, suggested that the school refer me to an educational psychologist. My father's reply was, 'Well, she used to see a psychiatrist, but then Mrs Ford went and stopped that.' I do not know why she stopped the visits but I do know that they stopped as quickly as they started. In one report, which has no date, my father is quoted as saying, 'Mrs Ford felt very embarrassed at having to take her to the
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