Read Online We Are Both Mammals by G. Wulfing - Free Book Online

remarked on the fact that she had
not seen me so much as glance at Toro-a-Ba, ever.
    I shrugged, regarding the blankets.
    “ This surgery was
performed without your consent,” the psychologist began. “I have
never experienced anything similar, but of course I can imagine
that it’s shocking and it’s traumatic to wake up to find that you
are permanently attached to someone else, and that you’re going to
have to live the rest of your life that way.” She paused briefly.
“You’ve effectively gained a conjoined twin, Daniel, and that’s
shocking. It is only natural that you should struggle to accept it;
anyone would. No one would go through this surgery happily and
without any issues.
    “ But I get the feeling
that you are really unhappy about this. I’m starting to wonder if
you wish the surgery had not been performed.”
    I was silent, regarding the blankets again,
but without really seeing them. I suspect that my face told
everything.
    There was a long pause.
    “ If you don’t want to
live, Daniel, that is understandable,” Tara said calmly. “But when
a person goes through something like this – any great trauma
– there is a lot of grief and processing that has to happen.
Even if you feel like dying now, it doesn’t follow that you’ll
always feel that way.”
    “ May I speak?” Toro-a-Ba
asked quietly, after a brief pause had elapsed.
    “ Go ahead,” the
psychologist invited him.
    “ The surgeons have told us
that, if Avari-Ba were to die, then it is possible that the
surgeons could separate me from him, providing I could get to a
hospital in time. That being the case, I have discussed with
Avari-Ba the possibility that he could ask Surgeon Suva-a and
Surgeon Fong to separate us. If the surgeons can do so
successfully, then there is a good chance that I will survive, as
my organs are healthy. Avari-Ba would die … but he may consider
that preferable to living with me.”
    Toro-a-Ba paused. No one spoke.
    “ The thought that Avari-Ba
might not accept me occurred to me when I was volunteering to
undergo this surgery,” the thurga explained, in his calm,
soft-spoken manner. “I thought to myself about how I might feel in
Avari-Ba’s place, and I thought that I might feel angry and upset
that such a thing had been done without my consent.
    “ But I had no way of
knowing what Avari-Ba would want. So I decided that if Avari-Ba was
angry with me, and wanted to die, I would accept that. I would
rather offer my life to a person who did not want it than hold onto
my life and send to death someone who, if they had been given the
choice, would have chosen to live, albeit with me.”
    He paused again. The psychologist and I were
silent. Even I could not help but gaze at the thurga beside me.
    “ And so, if Avari-Ba
wishes to die now, I will accept that. I do not want him to think
that he must live because of me. I have already risked death in
partaking in this surgery; I hold my life lightly and am ready to
let it go. I have given my life to Avari-Ba; if he wants it not, he
is free to reject it. My life is worth nothing if it causes more
grief than it alleviates; if it causes someone to wish for death
rather than for life. If Avari-Ba would rather die than live, I
will not demand that he live for my sake. My life for his was
supposed to be a gift from me, not a curse.”
    There was a long moment of silence. I
returned my gaze to the blankets and sheets that covered my lap,
but I saw nothing. I did not know what to feel; part of me
definitely wanted to weep, but not in front of others.
    ‘ Not in front of others.’
If I did not die, my whole life would be lived in front of others,
now; at least one other.
    “ I feel sorry for Avari-Ba,”
Toro-a-Ba murmured, since no one had spoken; he was making the
longest speech I had ever heard from him. “I did not know that my
actions would cause him such grief. I wish that I had known then
what I know now about Avari-Ba’s desires; but I wished that