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Authors: Helenkay Dimon
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craved her time alone with Paul. But the wide-open world kept nibbling at her heels. There was something else out there. The knowledge radiated through her and blocked out everything else.
“Do you think we fight more than most couples?” Jennifer asked as she watched Paul read the sports page in the morning newspaper.
He didn’t even look up. “You do.”
“Meaning?”
“I’m just sitting here.”
“Refusing to engage is fighting.”
He snuck a peek at her over the top of the paper. “Actually, it’s not.”
“That’s not true.”
“So now we’re fighting about what counts as fighting?” Amusement laced through his voice. “Did you run out of logical things to pick at?”
He made her argument sound ridiculous when he said it like that. She stuck to it anyway. “No.”
“Problem is, you won’t just let yourself be satisfied and happy as is.”
She dropped her hand through the paper, crumpling it into a ball against the counter and uncovering his sleepy face to her stare. “What do you want from life?”
“You.”
The fact he answered so fast and so sure brought the guilt racing up to meet her. She looked out on the horizon of her future and saw opportunities and possibilities. She often thought about his life view as limited. He didn’t ask for much or want much. On her most uncharitable days, she saw it as a lack of ambition. Today she envied his grounding.
“I mean, for yourself.”
“Same answer.” The fact he sat there and answered in a clear voice confirmed he didn’t have a need to reach outside his insular world.
“You’re happy to go from job to job, play the drums in clubs now and then, and hang out with friends.” Her assessment carried a slap, but she couldn’t pull the words once they were out there.
“I take it you disapprove.”
“I didn’t say that.” She knew she didn’t have to. The unspoken words hung between them, building an even bigger wall to their happiness.
“Is my life and what I want really so bad?”
She glanced out the kitchen window and saw the snow fall into steep piles outside his townhouse. In a few hours he would throw on a down coat and wool hat and head outside to shovel. He’d revel in the labor, in working with his hands in the brisk air and seeing what he’d accomplished. He was decent and hardworking . . . and not what she needed right now.
The realization made her stomach flop. “What if there’s more out there and you’re missing it?” she asked.
“Like?”
“I don’t know.”
“That’s not a particularly compelling argument.”
She watched the neighbor struggle to free his rear tires from the ice packed around them as she fought to find the right words to express her thoughts. “I know.”
Paul reached out and slipped his fingers through hers. His thumb caressed the back of her hand. “Explain to me why we can’t find whatever it is you’re seeking together. Why do you insist this something is out there and you have to be alone to find it?”
A reasonable answer escaped her. “I don’t want to just get by.”
“You want to experience and learn.” He dropped her hand and sat back. “Yeah, I’ve heard this all before.”
“I’m talking about me.”
“Us.
“This isn’t about you.”
“It’s about how you think I’m not adult enough for you. That I’m not ready for these grand plans you have in your head.”
She looked at him then. Saw sadness in eyes that usually danced when she walked into the room and wondered why her brain insisted on throwing it all away. “Are you ready to grow up?”
“This is all because I bought a lottery ticket when I picked up the paper?”
“Of course not.” It went so much deeper, and she couldn’t figure out a way to make him understand that.
It was a symbol of how they led their lives. When he stumbled across a few extra dollars, he played a hunch. She got money and tried to think of a way to stretch it into this magical adventure that would stay in her
“Do you think we fight more than most couples?” Jennifer asked as she watched Paul read the sports page in the morning newspaper.
He didn’t even look up. “You do.”
“Meaning?”
“I’m just sitting here.”
“Refusing to engage is fighting.”
He snuck a peek at her over the top of the paper. “Actually, it’s not.”
“That’s not true.”
“So now we’re fighting about what counts as fighting?” Amusement laced through his voice. “Did you run out of logical things to pick at?”
He made her argument sound ridiculous when he said it like that. She stuck to it anyway. “No.”
“Problem is, you won’t just let yourself be satisfied and happy as is.”
She dropped her hand through the paper, crumpling it into a ball against the counter and uncovering his sleepy face to her stare. “What do you want from life?”
“You.”
The fact he answered so fast and so sure brought the guilt racing up to meet her. She looked out on the horizon of her future and saw opportunities and possibilities. She often thought about his life view as limited. He didn’t ask for much or want much. On her most uncharitable days, she saw it as a lack of ambition. Today she envied his grounding.
“I mean, for yourself.”
“Same answer.” The fact he sat there and answered in a clear voice confirmed he didn’t have a need to reach outside his insular world.
“You’re happy to go from job to job, play the drums in clubs now and then, and hang out with friends.” Her assessment carried a slap, but she couldn’t pull the words once they were out there.
“I take it you disapprove.”
“I didn’t say that.” She knew she didn’t have to. The unspoken words hung between them, building an even bigger wall to their happiness.
“Is my life and what I want really so bad?”
She glanced out the kitchen window and saw the snow fall into steep piles outside his townhouse. In a few hours he would throw on a down coat and wool hat and head outside to shovel. He’d revel in the labor, in working with his hands in the brisk air and seeing what he’d accomplished. He was decent and hardworking . . . and not what she needed right now.
The realization made her stomach flop. “What if there’s more out there and you’re missing it?” she asked.
“Like?”
“I don’t know.”
“That’s not a particularly compelling argument.”
She watched the neighbor struggle to free his rear tires from the ice packed around them as she fought to find the right words to express her thoughts. “I know.”
Paul reached out and slipped his fingers through hers. His thumb caressed the back of her hand. “Explain to me why we can’t find whatever it is you’re seeking together. Why do you insist this something is out there and you have to be alone to find it?”
A reasonable answer escaped her. “I don’t want to just get by.”
“You want to experience and learn.” He dropped her hand and sat back. “Yeah, I’ve heard this all before.”
“I’m talking about me.”
“Us.
“This isn’t about you.”
“It’s about how you think I’m not adult enough for you. That I’m not ready for these grand plans you have in your head.”
She looked at him then. Saw sadness in eyes that usually danced when she walked into the room and wondered why her brain insisted on throwing it all away. “Are you ready to grow up?”
“This is all because I bought a lottery ticket when I picked up the paper?”
“Of course not.” It went so much deeper, and she couldn’t figure out a way to make him understand that.
It was a symbol of how they led their lives. When he stumbled across a few extra dollars, he played a hunch. She got money and tried to think of a way to stretch it into this magical adventure that would stay in her
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