Read Online Vanilla Ride by Joe R. Lansdale - Free Book Online Page B

going to do something to me that probably wouldn’t pass for a manicure and a haircut. And maybe those same people would do something similar to those around me. He also said next time I saw him I better run.”
    “And he’s a policeman?”
    “A big goddamn policeman. One of the two of No Enterprise’s finest on-the-take assholes. Actually, don’t tell Leonard, but between me and you, he was kind of scary.”
    “It’s okay, pumpkin,” she said and patted my hand. “If we’re going to be killed, it might as well be together.”
    “Sorry, hon.”
    “Don’t be. You’re my man and you do things others wish they could. I like you just the way you are. Most of the time. Though I do wish you could remember to change the toilet paper, and on top of the hamper is not where your underwear belong. They go inside, dear.”
    “But you have to lift the lid on the hamper.”
    “I know. It is a bother.”
    I gave her a look that I hoped made me look like a big-eyed puppy instead of a startled marmoset. It didn’t have the effect I hoped for—deep sympathy and a desire to pat my head. She drank more of her coffee.
    I said, “I’m a middle-aged man with a crummy job that’s over as of today and you may be a little less thrilled with me if this turns bad.”
    “It’s been bad before. And besides, you’re cute and well hung.”
    Now that was the response I wanted. I said, “That’s the first I’ve heard of that.”
    “Considering the circumstances, it seemed like a kind thing to say.”
    “Oh.”
    “Now don’t get pissy. Remember what Bessie Smith sang. It’s not the meat, it’s the motion.”
    “Okay. I can live with that. Brett… this policeman, I got to tell you, he had a loud voice and a big hat and an ugly cigar and his face was all wrinkled and he had a funny ear and he talked kind of loud and I don’t think he’s very nice. He uses bad words.”
    Brett smiled, looked me in the eyes. “Do you think this is really serious, baby? I mean, really?”
    “Yeah. I do.”
    “What do you think will happen?”
    “No way to know for sure, but my guess is the little guys, the ones me and Leonard gave a bad time, might think they got to get back at us to save face, so they can point to us and tell their bosses they got those nasty boys who destroyed the dope and made them lose all that money and insulted a perfectly nice pair of Scooby Doo shorts.
    “Course, we can flip that and say maybe the guys in the middle don’t believe the guys at the bottom. Not all of it anyway. The head dudes might just decide to take it out on the bottom-feeders because they might think they’re lying, that they took the dope, made up a story, and are settling other scores with us. All the middle guys know isthey didn’t get a piece of the profit. And the guys at the top, what they know is they didn’t get their slice of it. So instead of them solving the problem, they could want the two layers in the cake below them to solve the problem. Most likely, the top layer gets involved, they’ll bring in someone special and skilled. That’s the way it usually works. But I wouldn’t bet on any one scenario. We might be dealing with all of them.”
    “So what do we do?” Brett asked.
    “First, I’ll have Leonard move back in.”
    “That means more cookies and Dr Peppers and probably a box of shotgun shells.”
    “Absolutely,” I said. “You have some time off coming, don’t you?”
    She nodded. “Two weeks. Three if I really need it.”
    “You pack your highly attractive ass up and you and Marvin and his family head for the hills. Go someplace where no one knows you. Stay there until I tell you to come back.”
    Brett reached out and took my hand. “I don’t really have family anymore. My daughter isn’t exactly one to keep in touch. You know, the whoring business is so time-consuming, and her plans for college didn’t work out, she said.”
    “Oh yeah,” I said. “Something about having to get up