Read Online Vanilla Ride by Joe R. Lansdale - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Joe R. Lansdale
Tags: Fiction, General, detective, Suspense, Humorous, Humorous fiction, Gay, Thrillers, Action & Adventure, Mystery & Detective, American Mystery & Suspense Fiction, Mafia, Fiction - Mystery, Texas, Mystery & Detective - Series, Adventure fiction, African American men, Collins; Hap (Fictitious character), Pine; Leonard (Fictitious character), Drug Dealers
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to warn me and you think I’m supposed to thank you for it, but mostly you want me to stay out of your business, because you are the scum at the bottom of this big old pond and what you’re afraid of is that me and Leonard are going to ripple the surface so much that the big frog on the big lily pad is going to hop on your head. You aren’t doing me any kind of favor. Now get out of my yard before I take that cigar out of your mouth and shove it up your ass.”
He stood up so fast he knocked over the lawn chair. “I ought to kick you into next week.”
I stood up carefully. “Start kicking. You’re out of your jurisdiction.”
He stood there with his fists clenched. A vein vibrated in his neck like the string on a stand-up bass. Provided the string was really big.
I didn’t want any part of him, but I didn’t want him to know it. I managed not to piss myself, tried to look like I was thinking about something pleasant, like a politician waiting for a free blow job.
He took a deep breath. “All right. I tried. You warn that fart, Hanson, warn him that he’s in this too. I was him, I’d take that split-tail you two rescued, pack all of you in a bus and head for the high country, or just some goddamn rabbit hole. Change your names. Change your sex. ’Cause they’re comin’, smart-mouth. And when they do, you ain’t gonna like it. It might be the little fucks first, but they ain’t nothin’.You might take care of them. But then it’s the others, and I tell you again, you ain’t gonna like it.”
“Neither are they,” I said.
Conners tossed his cigar on the lawn, gave me a last look that told me there was nothing he’d like better than to reach up my asshole and jerk me inside out. “When it comes down,” he said, “remember your old Uncle Conners tried to tell you how it was going to go.”
“That’ll certainly cheer me,” I said. “But I wouldn’t count me and Leonard out just yet, Uncle Tom … Oh, sorry, that was Conners, wasn’t it?”
“You don’t know a thing. Ain’t no Uncle Toms no more, just a fella trying to do business.”
“One way of looking at it, I suppose.”
“It’ll be a clean sweep,” he said. “Not just you and Leonard, but those around you. You have a woman, don’t you? That’s what I’ve heard. And Hanson, his family. I don’t want to see that, something happening. Truly, I don’t.”
“Here’s a feather for your cap. I ever think you have anything to do with screwing around with me and mine, some morning you just might find yourself dead.”
“You threatening a law officer?”
“I don’t consider you much of an officer. Besides, you couldn’t arrest a fly here. You’re nothing but one of a two-man operation in a little town that has its presidential elections in a filling station. You two are so small-time you probably share a dick. So don’t come in here and act like the FBI. You are nothing to me. And yeah, that is a goddamn threat, with bells and whistles on it.”
“Have it your way, pal. But next time you see me comin’, man, you better run.”
Conners went out to his car and drove away.
15
“He came here to the house?” Brett said.
I nodded.
We were sitting at the kitchen table, she still in her nurse uniform, me still in my sweaty, filthy work clothes. She was sitting out from the table, had her legs crossed, and the nurse dress was hiked up pretty far. I liked that, and she knew it. I liked the little hat she was wearing too. I’d have liked her without the hat. I’d have liked her without the dress. She could lose those nurse shoes too. I don’t have a fetish for stuff like that, but I do have a fetish for her.
I was laying out what had happened with Conners, and I was drinking a cup of coffee. I had fixed some for both of us, and Brett was stirring creamer into hers. She even made me horny doing that. I know. I’m a bad dog.
“He threatened you here in our yard?” she said.
“He threatened that other people were
He stood up so fast he knocked over the lawn chair. “I ought to kick you into next week.”
I stood up carefully. “Start kicking. You’re out of your jurisdiction.”
He stood there with his fists clenched. A vein vibrated in his neck like the string on a stand-up bass. Provided the string was really big.
I didn’t want any part of him, but I didn’t want him to know it. I managed not to piss myself, tried to look like I was thinking about something pleasant, like a politician waiting for a free blow job.
He took a deep breath. “All right. I tried. You warn that fart, Hanson, warn him that he’s in this too. I was him, I’d take that split-tail you two rescued, pack all of you in a bus and head for the high country, or just some goddamn rabbit hole. Change your names. Change your sex. ’Cause they’re comin’, smart-mouth. And when they do, you ain’t gonna like it. It might be the little fucks first, but they ain’t nothin’.You might take care of them. But then it’s the others, and I tell you again, you ain’t gonna like it.”
“Neither are they,” I said.
Conners tossed his cigar on the lawn, gave me a last look that told me there was nothing he’d like better than to reach up my asshole and jerk me inside out. “When it comes down,” he said, “remember your old Uncle Conners tried to tell you how it was going to go.”
“That’ll certainly cheer me,” I said. “But I wouldn’t count me and Leonard out just yet, Uncle Tom … Oh, sorry, that was Conners, wasn’t it?”
“You don’t know a thing. Ain’t no Uncle Toms no more, just a fella trying to do business.”
“One way of looking at it, I suppose.”
“It’ll be a clean sweep,” he said. “Not just you and Leonard, but those around you. You have a woman, don’t you? That’s what I’ve heard. And Hanson, his family. I don’t want to see that, something happening. Truly, I don’t.”
“Here’s a feather for your cap. I ever think you have anything to do with screwing around with me and mine, some morning you just might find yourself dead.”
“You threatening a law officer?”
“I don’t consider you much of an officer. Besides, you couldn’t arrest a fly here. You’re nothing but one of a two-man operation in a little town that has its presidential elections in a filling station. You two are so small-time you probably share a dick. So don’t come in here and act like the FBI. You are nothing to me. And yeah, that is a goddamn threat, with bells and whistles on it.”
“Have it your way, pal. But next time you see me comin’, man, you better run.”
Conners went out to his car and drove away.
15
“He came here to the house?” Brett said.
I nodded.
We were sitting at the kitchen table, she still in her nurse uniform, me still in my sweaty, filthy work clothes. She was sitting out from the table, had her legs crossed, and the nurse dress was hiked up pretty far. I liked that, and she knew it. I liked the little hat she was wearing too. I’d have liked her without the hat. I’d have liked her without the dress. She could lose those nurse shoes too. I don’t have a fetish for stuff like that, but I do have a fetish for her.
I was laying out what had happened with Conners, and I was drinking a cup of coffee. I had fixed some for both of us, and Brett was stirring creamer into hers. She even made me horny doing that. I know. I’m a bad dog.
“He threatened you here in our yard?” she said.
“He threatened that other people were
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