Read Online Vampires Need Not...Apply? by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff - Free Book Online

together and help Penelope save the world.”
    She slammed the door behind her and smiled. She’d seen his aura shift from a deep gray to a light brown. Yes, there was hope for him yet.
    * * *
    Eighteen saves, twenty-five cleanses, and one accidental death later, Ixtab stood before a group of unfamiliar faces. “Hi. My name is Ixtab. My friends call me…”
Darn, I really need to get some friends so I can have nickname.
“… Ixtab.”
    “Hi, Ixtab.”
    “It’s been”—she looked at her pastel yellow watch—“ten minutes and seventeen seconds since I last killed an innocent mortal.”
    Applause.
    Why are they clapping? It’s awful!
    Because you compelled them to be attentive and polite perhaps?
    “Well, the reason I’m here is because something strange is happening. Take today, for example. I’d just removed the darkness from this poor woman who spends her days feeding the homeless and had fallen into a horrible slump; simply saw too much suffering is my guess. Anyway, I cleansed her, found a few thugs hanging out in front of the liquor store. Cleansed. Went on my merry way. I didn’t make it two blocks until my body filled up with dark energy again.”
    The group of elderly women exchanged glances.
    “I know, it’s weird. Right?” Ixtab said. “And the strangest part is that it started after I helped that physicist. I can’t get his damned taste out of my mouth.” Ixtab smacked her lips. “His darkness is kind of nutty.” Ixtab snorted. “Oh! Get it?
Nutty Professor.
I’m on fire today.”
    Crickets.
    She rolled her eyes. “Cut me some slack. I’m the Goddess of Suicide. Comedy doesn’t come naturally. Neither does not lopping people’s heads off when they don’t laugh at my jokes.” She paused. “
Seeee?
That was a joke. I really suck at this. Almost as badly as I suck at smiling. I once went an entire century without smiling—not that anyone would ever notice since I wear a veil.”
    Someone chuckled under their breath.
    “
That
wasn’t a joke.” She shook her head. Why was her suffering always funny? That just didn’t seem right.
    Ixtab sighed. “As I was saying… now I’m unsure what to do. I cleansed twice this afternoon—a sweet score: bagged a murderer and a pimp. But I keep filling up again. Any ideas what to do?”
    “Have you tried praying?” The slightly plump woman, wearing a gray sweater garnished with white cat hair, pointed toward the chapel in the other room.
    Ixtab shook her head. “My prayers don’t get a lot of traction with the whole killing innocent people and all. Even if it’s by accident.”
    “How about knitting?” asked one woman who sat farthest away in the circle. She had deep smile lines etched into her kind, wrinkly face. “When I have trouble finding an answer, I knit. Then the answer just pops in my head.”
    Ixtab bobbed her head. “Sure. Why not? What are we knitting today?”
    “Baby bootees.”
    “Oh, perfect. I can make some for Penelope and Kinich.” She grabbed a pair of needles from a basket in the center of the circle and plopped down in an open seat. Gods, her hair was itchy. “Mind if I take this off?”
    No one objected, so she did.
    The women gasped.
    “Dear,” said the woman with the cat hair garnish, “you
are
exquisite. And those eyes, they’re… stunning.”
    Ixtab squirmed in her chair. She didn’t like it when people looked at her that way, with admiration. Simply put, she didn’t deserve to be revered. Yes, it was true that being worshipped was one of the perks of being a god or goddess. In fact, many deities thrived on it. Fate, for example, wouldn’t last a day without having someone light a candle in her honor. But Ixtab didn’t want to be adored; she wanted to be good. “You’re only complimenting me because I’ve compelled everyone here. If you knew the real me, you and your walker would be ten blocks away already. I am about as ugly as they come.”
On the inside, anyway.
    Her mind quickly flipped to