Read Online Unwanted by Kristina Ohlsson - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Kristina Ohlsson
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at university.
Her father delivered thinly veiled lectures on the virtue of ‘settling for’ some things in life and ‘not being too greedy’. Only once Fredrika had grasped this would she, as her brother already did each Sunday, take her place at the parental dining table in the company of a family of her own. A year or two after Fredrika turned thirty and still seemed determinedly single (or ‘alone’, as her father put it), the Sunday dinners were putting such a strain on her mentally that she started to avoid them.
Lying in the dark beside a man she thought she loved in spite of everything, Fredrika knew that the day she told him she was having a baby, Spencer would be on his way out of her life. Not because she was replaceable, but because there was no room for a child in their relationship.
Fredrika and Spencer hadn’t talked about it for a long time, but after a long period of reflection, Fredrika was increasingly realizing that she might not find a man to start a family with, and that she might need to start thinking about the alternatives. It wasn’t a decision she could postpone indefinitely; she had to decide. Either she did something about it, even though she was alone, or there might be no children at all. She found it unexpectedly painful trying to visualize a whole life without the experience of parenthood. To put it bluntly, it felt unfair and unnatural.
There were various alternatives to weigh up. The most unthinkable of them was to force Spencer into paternity: she could stop taking the pill without telling him. Less unthinkable was a trip to Copenhagen to buy a chance of motherhood at a fertility clinic. The option that seemed the most feasible was adopting a child.
‘For fuck’s sake just send in the forms,’ Fredrika’s friend Julia had said, a few months earlier. ‘You can always back out, say you applied in too much of a hurry. You’ll have oceans of time to think it over; it takes forever to be approved to adopt. I’d get in the queue straight away.’
At first she hadn’t even seen it as a serious suggestion. What was more, it would amount to giving up somehow. The day she sent in her application to adopt would be the day she really gave up all hope of having a family of her own, with a partner. Had she reached that point?
The answer to that question came when Spencer didn’t answer the phone, either his mobile or his job number. After several days of silence, she started ringing round hospitals. He was in the cardiac department of the University Hospital in Uppsala. He had suffered a major heart attack and been given a pacemaker. Fredrika cried for a week and then, with a new perspective on what is enduring in life, she sent in the application form.
Fredrika planted a light kiss on Spencer’s forehead. He smiled in his sleep. She smiled back. She still hadn’t told him about her plan to adopt a little girl from China. After all, her friend was right: she had oceans of time.
One last thought formed in her head before she succumbed to sleep. How much time did Lilian have? Did she have oceans of it, too, or were her days numbered?
WEDNESDAY
T he woman on the TV screen was talking so fast that Nora almost missed the news report. It was early morning and her flat was shrouded in darkness. The only light came from the television, but since the blinds were down, Nora was almost certain its flickering gleam couldn’t be seen by anyone looking in from the street.
For Nora, this was very important. She knew she was condemned to feel unsafe, but she also knew there were certain little things she could do to improve her odds. One of them was simply not to be seen. By requesting protected identity from the tax authorities, she became less visible; by never having the light on in the flat in the evening, she became even less visible. She had a minimal circle of friends. She only had sporadic contact with her grandmother, always ringing her from a phone box in the street, and always
Her father delivered thinly veiled lectures on the virtue of ‘settling for’ some things in life and ‘not being too greedy’. Only once Fredrika had grasped this would she, as her brother already did each Sunday, take her place at the parental dining table in the company of a family of her own. A year or two after Fredrika turned thirty and still seemed determinedly single (or ‘alone’, as her father put it), the Sunday dinners were putting such a strain on her mentally that she started to avoid them.
Lying in the dark beside a man she thought she loved in spite of everything, Fredrika knew that the day she told him she was having a baby, Spencer would be on his way out of her life. Not because she was replaceable, but because there was no room for a child in their relationship.
Fredrika and Spencer hadn’t talked about it for a long time, but after a long period of reflection, Fredrika was increasingly realizing that she might not find a man to start a family with, and that she might need to start thinking about the alternatives. It wasn’t a decision she could postpone indefinitely; she had to decide. Either she did something about it, even though she was alone, or there might be no children at all. She found it unexpectedly painful trying to visualize a whole life without the experience of parenthood. To put it bluntly, it felt unfair and unnatural.
There were various alternatives to weigh up. The most unthinkable of them was to force Spencer into paternity: she could stop taking the pill without telling him. Less unthinkable was a trip to Copenhagen to buy a chance of motherhood at a fertility clinic. The option that seemed the most feasible was adopting a child.
‘For fuck’s sake just send in the forms,’ Fredrika’s friend Julia had said, a few months earlier. ‘You can always back out, say you applied in too much of a hurry. You’ll have oceans of time to think it over; it takes forever to be approved to adopt. I’d get in the queue straight away.’
At first she hadn’t even seen it as a serious suggestion. What was more, it would amount to giving up somehow. The day she sent in her application to adopt would be the day she really gave up all hope of having a family of her own, with a partner. Had she reached that point?
The answer to that question came when Spencer didn’t answer the phone, either his mobile or his job number. After several days of silence, she started ringing round hospitals. He was in the cardiac department of the University Hospital in Uppsala. He had suffered a major heart attack and been given a pacemaker. Fredrika cried for a week and then, with a new perspective on what is enduring in life, she sent in the application form.
Fredrika planted a light kiss on Spencer’s forehead. He smiled in his sleep. She smiled back. She still hadn’t told him about her plan to adopt a little girl from China. After all, her friend was right: she had oceans of time.
One last thought formed in her head before she succumbed to sleep. How much time did Lilian have? Did she have oceans of it, too, or were her days numbered?
WEDNESDAY
T he woman on the TV screen was talking so fast that Nora almost missed the news report. It was early morning and her flat was shrouded in darkness. The only light came from the television, but since the blinds were down, Nora was almost certain its flickering gleam couldn’t be seen by anyone looking in from the street.
For Nora, this was very important. She knew she was condemned to feel unsafe, but she also knew there were certain little things she could do to improve her odds. One of them was simply not to be seen. By requesting protected identity from the tax authorities, she became less visible; by never having the light on in the flat in the evening, she became even less visible. She had a minimal circle of friends. She only had sporadic contact with her grandmother, always ringing her from a phone box in the street, and always
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