excitedly waving the newspaper. "They're having a drawing in the Bugle for a free luxury bingo cruise for two! And it ends this week."
"Big deal," says Ida. "You really think you have a chance in hell of winning?" She continues to browse through her mail. "All ads," she says with disgust. She hides her disappointment.
"Well, it couldn't hurt to try. I'm buying five dollars' worth. Anyone want to throw in a buck?"
Bella dips daintily into her purse, pulls out a dollar bill, and offers it over to Sophie. "Count me in, partner."
There are no other takers. "You'll be sorry," Sophie warns. "When I win, I get to pick my companion, so you better start being extra nice to me."
"What do you mean—when you win? What about me? I put my money in. Can't I be the companion?" Bella says.
Sophie ignores her.
"I miss bingo," Bella complains. "Now that we stay out late on our stakeouts, I'm too tired to play the next day."
"Me, too," adds Sophie.
"I never win, so I don't miss it," says Ida, the perpetual voice of negativity.
A group of women walk toward us, looking very determined. Those who are still hanging around the mailboxes stay to see what this is about.
Hy and Lola, standing on their balcony on the second floor, are leaning over the railing scanning the action. Mr. and Mrs. King of the Roost!
"Well, look who's here," says Tessie, sunning herself on her bench while eating potato chips. She's always eating something. She waves to one of the women. "Hey, Sarah, what's up?"
There is an exchange of greetings between those who know these members of Phase Five.
May Levine is the spokesperson. "We've come to see Gladdy." The four women walk up to our picnic table. "We want to hire you."
Hy leans far over the railing. "Hey, Glad, I told you about the peeper. She's the one who got peeped." He struts up and down the balcony, proud of himself.
May looks at me, surprised. "You already know?"
Hy isn't finished. "Of course she knows. I told her. I know everything that goes on around here. Sometimes before it even happens."
May scowls, turns her back on Hy, and looks at us.
Evvie asks, "Did you recognize the guy?"
"No," May says, hands on hips, "but if I ever see that limp putz again I'd know it!"
Bella covers her ears as everyone else laughs.
"The coward was wearing a mask!" number two in the delegation, Sarah, contributes.
"A Superman mask," says number three, Edna.
"Did he wear a cape?" Casey wants to know. Her cousin Barbi adds, "With a big yellow S on it?" Apparently this is more interesting than getting to the tennis court.
May says, "I don't know, all I saw were his eyes through the mask. And the putz. "
More giggles.
Practical me asks if she called the police.
May says, "Of course I did. Did I expect they would do anything? No. They laughed! And embarrassed me because they wanted me to translate putz. "
"This is a job for Super woman, " Sophie announces dramatically, pointing at me.
Sarah announces, "We, the women of Phase Five, want to hire you to find—"
"The putz !" Tessie screams out hysterically, spilling potato chip crumbs down her sizable bosom.
It's becoming a circus. But why am I surprised? I should have moved this meeting upstairs. Too late. Hail, hail, the gang's all here.
Hy joins in again from above. "Let's get all the guys around here to drop their pants!"
Lola smacks him on the head. "You'd like that, wouldn't you, you letch! Showing off your equipment. We don't know that he's even from around here!"
"First," says occasionally practical Evvie, "let's talk about the fee."
The four ladies of Phase Five look shocked.
"What fee?" asks Sarah.
"You do this for money?" asks May. "I never heard of
"Big deal," says Ida. "You really think you have a chance in hell of winning?" She continues to browse through her mail. "All ads," she says with disgust. She hides her disappointment.
"Well, it couldn't hurt to try. I'm buying five dollars' worth. Anyone want to throw in a buck?"
Bella dips daintily into her purse, pulls out a dollar bill, and offers it over to Sophie. "Count me in, partner."
There are no other takers. "You'll be sorry," Sophie warns. "When I win, I get to pick my companion, so you better start being extra nice to me."
"What do you mean—when you win? What about me? I put my money in. Can't I be the companion?" Bella says.
Sophie ignores her.
"I miss bingo," Bella complains. "Now that we stay out late on our stakeouts, I'm too tired to play the next day."
"Me, too," adds Sophie.
"I never win, so I don't miss it," says Ida, the perpetual voice of negativity.
A group of women walk toward us, looking very determined. Those who are still hanging around the mailboxes stay to see what this is about.
Hy and Lola, standing on their balcony on the second floor, are leaning over the railing scanning the action. Mr. and Mrs. King of the Roost!
"Well, look who's here," says Tessie, sunning herself on her bench while eating potato chips. She's always eating something. She waves to one of the women. "Hey, Sarah, what's up?"
There is an exchange of greetings between those who know these members of Phase Five.
May Levine is the spokesperson. "We've come to see Gladdy." The four women walk up to our picnic table. "We want to hire you."
Hy leans far over the railing. "Hey, Glad, I told you about the peeper. She's the one who got peeped." He struts up and down the balcony, proud of himself.
May looks at me, surprised. "You already know?"
Hy isn't finished. "Of course she knows. I told her. I know everything that goes on around here. Sometimes before it even happens."
May scowls, turns her back on Hy, and looks at us.
Evvie asks, "Did you recognize the guy?"
"No," May says, hands on hips, "but if I ever see that limp putz again I'd know it!"
Bella covers her ears as everyone else laughs.
"The coward was wearing a mask!" number two in the delegation, Sarah, contributes.
"A Superman mask," says number three, Edna.
"Did he wear a cape?" Casey wants to know. Her cousin Barbi adds, "With a big yellow S on it?" Apparently this is more interesting than getting to the tennis court.
May says, "I don't know, all I saw were his eyes through the mask. And the putz. "
More giggles.
Practical me asks if she called the police.
May says, "Of course I did. Did I expect they would do anything? No. They laughed! And embarrassed me because they wanted me to translate putz. "
"This is a job for Super woman, " Sophie announces dramatically, pointing at me.
Sarah announces, "We, the women of Phase Five, want to hire you to find—"
"The putz !" Tessie screams out hysterically, spilling potato chip crumbs down her sizable bosom.
It's becoming a circus. But why am I surprised? I should have moved this meeting upstairs. Too late. Hail, hail, the gang's all here.
Hy joins in again from above. "Let's get all the guys around here to drop their pants!"
Lola smacks him on the head. "You'd like that, wouldn't you, you letch! Showing off your equipment. We don't know that he's even from around here!"
"First," says occasionally practical Evvie, "let's talk about the fee."
The four ladies of Phase Five look shocked.
"What fee?" asks Sarah.
"You do this for money?" asks May. "I never heard of
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