peaceful, you’re not in pain and vice versa? The combination of both is ironic…it’s too heartbreaking to witness. To wage a war against two of the most extreme feelings one can feel, the person fighting both is certain to be in agony. How can you fight against yourself? Who wins?
LT starts biting his lower lip as if he’s fighting back tears, then he speaks, and my heart breaks for him. “The toughest decisions are the ones that hurt the most, but it shouldn’t deter you to make them, anyway. I’ve had men under my command for many years, many I’ve lost; but those that remained continued to rely and trust on my judgment. In my line of work, I don’t have the luxury to second guess myself. I listen to what’s right here,” He says, pointing to his head. “Because, if I listen to what’s right here,” He points to his heart, “…my judgments will be clouded with feelings. Feelings have no place in my line of work. So, it’s our trust and our faithfulness to each other that enable us to do what we’re called to do. No matter the cost, because the end game, is for the greater good. Do you know what it means to lay down your life to save another?” LT asks, his eyes searching mine, holding me with his stare, and silencing me at the same time.
How do I answer that? I haven’t ever thought of giving my life to save another. Then, it hits me, stopping my thoughts, and squeezing my heart. The force, which rocks me to my core makes my heart hurt as if something were squeezing it so hard. It’s enough to wake me and make me understand the meaning behind every single action Cody and the rest of the guys are doing to save me.
It hurts to know that Cody, the only man who has ever loved me; LT, my brother whose love I’ve been missing; Jake, whom I love like a brother; and Brian, who loves me like a sister, all of them are sacrificing their lives for mine. I let out a gut wrenching sob, knowing I could lose them all at any given time. Weakness takes over, and I fall…I fall on my knees with tears streaming down my face. The fear overtakes my senses, and it takes my entire being hostage.
I’m consumed by shame. Shame covers me like a blanket filled with thorns, each pin size sharp point reminds me of how selfish I am…of how selfish I’ve been. The weight of my shame and selfishness, as well as, the fear of losing the ones I love, most specially Cody, cripples me. I think I’m strong enough to face anything….strong enough to weather whatever comes my way. Boy, was I ever wrong.
Living with my dad made me think I could survive the ugly parts of life, but I was mistaken. The helplessness I felt ten years ago is nothing …nothing compared to the sense of anguish and despair I feel, right now. It’s in this moment, I realize the thought of not having someone love me is not as debilitating as losing the ones who love me….selflessly.
Then, what do I do in return? I act like a child, stomp my feet, and treat them like crap. All because shit didn’t go down how I wanted it. The secret wasn’t meant to hurt me. In reality, Cody kept it to protect me, and Damien kept it to prepare me. How could I be so wrong?
I feel LT’s strong arms shield me from my imaginary, self-inflicted wound. His calm, even voice, and sweet words make me cry even more, my guilt slashing my heart like freaking Edward Scissor Hands. I don’t deserve his kindness…his understanding. Yet, he gives it willingly.
Suddenly, I feel a familiar pair of arms…arms full of love and acceptance, so I surrender to them. I embrace them with no humiliation, because his love erases every single morsel of guilt piercing my soul. His words… his words heal me.
“I’m here, love. Let it go; I’m here,” Cody sweetly whispers in my ear.
I mutter between sobs, “I’m so sorry…so sorry.”
His arms tighten around me as he says, “Nothing to be sorry for.”
I bury my face in his neck, needing his warmth. “I love you, Cody. Please
LT starts biting his lower lip as if he’s fighting back tears, then he speaks, and my heart breaks for him. “The toughest decisions are the ones that hurt the most, but it shouldn’t deter you to make them, anyway. I’ve had men under my command for many years, many I’ve lost; but those that remained continued to rely and trust on my judgment. In my line of work, I don’t have the luxury to second guess myself. I listen to what’s right here,” He says, pointing to his head. “Because, if I listen to what’s right here,” He points to his heart, “…my judgments will be clouded with feelings. Feelings have no place in my line of work. So, it’s our trust and our faithfulness to each other that enable us to do what we’re called to do. No matter the cost, because the end game, is for the greater good. Do you know what it means to lay down your life to save another?” LT asks, his eyes searching mine, holding me with his stare, and silencing me at the same time.
How do I answer that? I haven’t ever thought of giving my life to save another. Then, it hits me, stopping my thoughts, and squeezing my heart. The force, which rocks me to my core makes my heart hurt as if something were squeezing it so hard. It’s enough to wake me and make me understand the meaning behind every single action Cody and the rest of the guys are doing to save me.
It hurts to know that Cody, the only man who has ever loved me; LT, my brother whose love I’ve been missing; Jake, whom I love like a brother; and Brian, who loves me like a sister, all of them are sacrificing their lives for mine. I let out a gut wrenching sob, knowing I could lose them all at any given time. Weakness takes over, and I fall…I fall on my knees with tears streaming down my face. The fear overtakes my senses, and it takes my entire being hostage.
I’m consumed by shame. Shame covers me like a blanket filled with thorns, each pin size sharp point reminds me of how selfish I am…of how selfish I’ve been. The weight of my shame and selfishness, as well as, the fear of losing the ones I love, most specially Cody, cripples me. I think I’m strong enough to face anything….strong enough to weather whatever comes my way. Boy, was I ever wrong.
Living with my dad made me think I could survive the ugly parts of life, but I was mistaken. The helplessness I felt ten years ago is nothing …nothing compared to the sense of anguish and despair I feel, right now. It’s in this moment, I realize the thought of not having someone love me is not as debilitating as losing the ones who love me….selflessly.
Then, what do I do in return? I act like a child, stomp my feet, and treat them like crap. All because shit didn’t go down how I wanted it. The secret wasn’t meant to hurt me. In reality, Cody kept it to protect me, and Damien kept it to prepare me. How could I be so wrong?
I feel LT’s strong arms shield me from my imaginary, self-inflicted wound. His calm, even voice, and sweet words make me cry even more, my guilt slashing my heart like freaking Edward Scissor Hands. I don’t deserve his kindness…his understanding. Yet, he gives it willingly.
Suddenly, I feel a familiar pair of arms…arms full of love and acceptance, so I surrender to them. I embrace them with no humiliation, because his love erases every single morsel of guilt piercing my soul. His words… his words heal me.
“I’m here, love. Let it go; I’m here,” Cody sweetly whispers in my ear.
I mutter between sobs, “I’m so sorry…so sorry.”
His arms tighten around me as he says, “Nothing to be sorry for.”
I bury my face in his neck, needing his warmth. “I love you, Cody. Please
Similar Books
